The Plastic Hippo

January 29, 2015

Desperate

Cartoon via mikemock.wordpress.com

Cartoon via mikemock.wordpress.com

There is a world of difference between a distraught employee begging not to be made redundant and some conniving, incompetent fraudster desperately trying to worm-out of being justifiably sacked. The difference is that a public sector care worker is distressed at the prospect of not being able to put food on the table and a Westminster politician worries about directorships, expenses claims, perks, power and being found out. We are already a month into the general election campaign and there are three and a bit months still to go.

If the last 28 days are anything to go by, we are in for a depressing winter and spring. On one level, it can be amusing to witness the head-on car crash between the Labour and Conservative bandwagons as the flag was dropped to start the race and equally funny to see the hearse carrying the corpse of the Liberal Democrat Party run into the back of the Tory ministerial limo but it is soul destroying to again endure Punch and Judy road rage politics. The nation is falling apart and the petty bickering and childish point scoring presented by our law makers will only alienate the electorate resulting in voter apathy and another dog`s breakfast coalition. Even more terrifying is the prospect of waking up on May 8 to a breakfast stinking of kippers. Sort yourselves out, lads; you are looking and sounding ridiculous.

It started badly for Labour. A fairly innocuous comment from none other than Tony Blair suggesting that Labour should concentrate on the “middle ground” and not move to the left resulted in Blairites shrieking in agreement, Brownites shrieking in outrage and Milibandites screaming “shut up” at Tony Blair. For geology geeks out there, Milibandites and Cameronites and Cleggites are sub-species of Trilobites; a pre-Cambrian fossil. The present day Arthropods crawling through the corridors of power are direct descendants of this seabed dwelling predator. For all his failings, Tony Blair can still manage to emit spectacular flatulence and still pervade society with a silent but deadly stench. Don`t mention Chilcot unless you want the wind to become more solid.

It started badly for the Tories. The farcical launch of a poster claiming economic recovery based on bare faced lies was destroyed within hours and Grant Shapps and Lynton Crosby might just find themselves` queuing up at Job Centre Plus on a Friday morning in May. It got worse.

The Conservatives ordered civil servants, at public expense, to scrutinise every Labour criticism of government cuts and invent a £20billion black hole of unfunded Labour government expenditure. I might be a bit dim, but criticising the crazy increase in rail fares does not mean I wish to travel on the railway for free. Being unhappy at the cuts to arts funding does not mean that I will sell my house and children to fund an experimental punk opera based on the life and times Simone de Beauvoir. A whole bunch of cabinet ministers held a press conference and waved the dodgy dossier about as if it were some forgotten episode of “The Weakest Link” but without the invented dominatrix telling them to leave because they were useless. Come on lads; we are not stupid.

It got worse for Labour. Trilobite Jacobite Blairite Jim Murphy stated that he would break into mansions in Surrey, kidnap children and force them to become nurses in Scotland. Pond life Boris shrieked outrage as did Arthropod Diane Abbott who stated that teachers in Hackney own £2million homes – what? Blairite Alan Milburn and Blairite Lord Hutton of Furness attacked Ed Milibite on the NHS and the millipedes attacked Alan Milburn and Lord Hutton of Furness. It seems that the noble lord and the former Labour Minister are now employed by private health companies. Desperate for ammunition, Cameron quotes Nick Robinson quoting an unverified private conservation in which Milibite threatens to “weaponise” the NHS resulting in both sides screaming abuse at each other for shamelessly exploiting the NHS crisis for political advantage. Lads, lads; you`re politicians. That`s what we pay you to do. It`s all getting to be a bit hysterical.

Then up jumped Jeremy Hunt to say that the best way to stop the serious incidents currently crippling the NHS is to stop declaring serious incidents in the hope of keeping them out of the media was nothing to do with him. “Not me, guv. Wasn`t me. Nope. Wasn`t even there.” A serious incident, by the way, is caused by sacking nurses, removing ward beds, closing hospitals and flogging the lucrative bits off to your chums. As one exasperated health professional wryly commented, ignoring the A and E train wreck is all about news management and nothing to do with patient care. Given his track record and on the reasonable balance of probability, any utterance coming out of Jeremy Hunt`s gob is almost certainly a great, big, fat lie. Come on, lads; the bloke`s a weasel.

As both sides chuck meaningless statistics at each other like confetti at an arranged marriage, the political process has descended into the survival of the nastiest. Confrontational negativity might boost reality TV viewing figures but the reverse is true in terms of electoral turn-out. PMQ`s has become a disgraceful embarrassment to democracy. There is an opportunity for a senior politician to summon up enough courage to clearly state what they believe in and not hurl childish insults at another identical suit. Come on, lads; it could be a vote winner.

Millionaire Tory cabinet ministers are still claiming that the ship is unsinkable and deny the existence of a bloody great iceberg as they elbow women and children out of the way in their panic to get to the lifeboats. Below decks, the shadow cabinet are fighting over life jackets. The Liberal Democrats have formed a string quartet and are playing “Nearer, My God, to Thee” rather badly. Sharks are circling, so come on lads, do your jobs and start thinking about the nation rather than your own longevity, power and wealth. Leave the negativity, snide name-calling, personal insults, hypocrisy, lies, idiocy, inaccuracy and shameless attention seeking to insignificant, anonymous bloggers.

Those sad, desperate anoraks have no influence – you do.

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