The Plastic Hippo

March 10, 2015

Missing pets – reward offered

Coq au vin

Coq au vin

The 2010 election campaign was not won, lost, drawn or quartered due to televised debates by party leaders but was influenced by a shrewd and calculated understanding of knowing who to keep away from media attention.

Realising that he was an electoral liability, Conservative strategists basically kept George Osborne locked in a cupboard with a pool ball gaffer taped to his gob until after polling day. Now in 2015, Osborne`s retreat into Trappist silence is probably self-imposed as he manoeuvres to inherit Cameron`s hollow crown. He was last sighted in public explaining that, as Chancellor, it was not his job to investigate the tax arrangements of the boss of a very big British bank who happened to be a former Conservative minister. George argued that scrutiny of money laundering, drug running, illegal arms deals and massive tax evasion would be a threat to democracy. George is a much-loved family pet and if you find him please return him to HSBC Canary Wharf.

Fortunately, Osborne is not alone in political purdah and purgatory and is enjoying some splendid company. Realising that he was an electoral liability, Cameron sacked Michael Gove by “promoting” him to government chief whip for reasons based on his obvious intellectual authority and communication skills. Sadly, two Tory MPs defected and we never see little Michael on the telly anymore. He is greatly missed and if you find him please reunite him with his adoring Murdoch family.

Pickles the dog, who found the missing World Cup in 1966, has not been seen for ages and Esther McVey along with her owner Iain Duncan Smith are missing from Battersea Dogs Home. Having been promised a top job at the UN by David Cameron which the UN promptly ignored, former Health Secretary Andrew Lansley is feared to have turned feral and his successor, Jeremy Hunt, only appears in public to blame doctors and nurses for his own bad behaviour. Adorable tabby cat Theresa May was last spotted explaining away yet another child abuse scandal. If you find her, please, please give her some Whiskers. Mercifully, Free Willie Hague has jumped out of the cruel nets that were holding him and can return to the freedom of Dolphin Square.

These missing pets are not just animals; they are part of the family. In their absence we only have bantam cock David Cameron to lavish our affection on. His honesty, loyalty and devotion to the British people is lovingly displayed in his adorable eyes and pecking beak as he tells lies on behalf of his missing menagerie. If you have any compassion, please return these creatures to where they belong.

The reward will be paid on Friday 8th May 2015 in the form of a tasty Chicken Tikka Masala.

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