The Plastic Hippo

March 15, 2015

Kitchen cabinet

Filed under: Media,Politics — theplastichippo @ 3:00 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,
Image credit - Desmond O`Neil

Image credit – Desmond O`Neil

After exposing Ed and Justine Miliband as communist aliens, the Daily Mail`s star columnist is now saving the really big scoop that proves conclusively that Justine is a practicing witch.

A curious Hello Magazine style puff piece chez nous with the Miliband aliens run by BBC News prompted Sarah Vine to sharpen some stakes and appoint herself as witch-finder general. The BBC`s Deputy Political Editor James Landale informed the Leader of the Opposition that the electorate thought he looked odd, he stabbed his brother and was a bit of a geek. Now that a completely innocent and totally impartial growth has discovered that it has Nick Robinson attached to it, Landale is continuing the tradition of bold and challenging political interrogation. Miliband laughed at him.

The old Etonian then turned his considerable insight toward Justine and it is here that we find irrefutable evidence of witchcraft. She said that she expected the torrent of vilification and highly personal attacks to worsen as the election approaches. There – an admission from her own lips – she uses vile occult rituals to see into the future – she`s a witch – she`s a witch.

Within hours, Sarah Vine took vilification and personal attacks to a new level by questioning the suitability of Mrs Miliband as a mother, wife and homemaker based on a photograph of a kitchen. Apparently the “fancy” house is in “trendy” Kentish Town. No – honestly – political comment has come to this. According to the divine Ms Vine, the Miliband kitchen has “Communist-style egalitarian lino” which, it seems, is proof that the UK with Miliband as Prime Minister will become a gulag. In full flow, Ms Vine concludes her piece thus:

“And that is exactly what we will get if Ed wins the election. An austere, self-conscious, self-righteous and, ultimately, hypocritical society of socially engineered equals.

A Britain made in the image of that sad, self-consciously modest Miliband kitchen: bland, functional, humourless, cold and about as much fun to live in as a Communist era housing block in Minsk.”

Only a journalist of the quality and bravery of Sarah could cheerfully ignore the correct use of the semi-colon in her assertion that high office is a matter of kitchen design and spell-check is the work of the devil or a communist plot. Her editor might also question starting a sentence with “and” and give some guidance in the use of metaphor and simile and defamatory offense.

And as the wife of a senior politician, one might assume that Sarah would have displayed some sisterly support for Justine but that turns out not to be the case. Justine, it seems, is one of those awful career feminists who insist on working for a living and refuses to cook and care for husbands and children. Sarah, on the other hand, is the perfect wife and mother and has a lovely kitchen. In her piece she describes her own kitchen in glowing terms. There is a cat on the work tops, a dog waiting to be fed, a smoking oven and some sort of rodent infestation. It sounds idyllic but perhaps Sarah should seek advice from Godfrey Bloom about cleaning an oven to stop it smoking.

After her critique of the Miliband kitchen which she later described on television as “mischievous”, perhaps Mrs Gove would allow an interview in her own magnificent catering facility. Perhaps the wonderful Jack Monroe could be persuaded to give the Gove kitchen the once over. She knows a thing or two about kitchens and, incidentally, benefits which is how the ten-year-old Gove kitchen came into being.

Shorty after being elected as an MP in 2005, Michael Gove set about furnishing his “fancy” house in “trendy” north Kensington at a cost to tax-payers through expenses claims. He engaged the services of Oka, an upmarket interior design company that just happens to have been established by Lady Annabel Astor who just happens to be David Cameron`s mother-in-law. Small world. When the expenses scandal broke, Gove paid back the £34.99 for a cot mattress bought at Toys `R` Us but it took a little while longer to pay back the rest of the seven grand he embezzled to equip his humble kitchen to a standard that his fragrant wife deserved.

Apart from the Chinon armchair, the Manchu cabinet, the elephant lamps, the Loire table and a mere £432 for the birch Camargue chair, Gove and his charming wife bought more practical goods. There was a dishwasher, a range cooker, a fridge-freezer, a toaster and eight coffee spoons and cake forks at a piffling £5.95 each. When he was caught fiddling the Additional Cost Allowance for a second home, Gove did the right honourable thing and paid the money back. However, Gove did not pay back the 13 grand removal costs when he decided to buy a house in 2006 actually in his constituency and claimed £500 per night at a “fancy” hotel when his poor, unfortunate family found themselves temporarily homeless between moves.

Further evidence of Miliband communist, feminist, occultist devilry emerged when it was discovered that there are two Miliband kitchens. Yes, that`s right, two Miliband kitchens. How hypocritical is that? What disasters will befall us if we elect a man in possession of two kitchens? Two kitchens with communist lino, for heaven`s sake.

There is a stench of desperation here. Miliband might have two kitchens but he paid for them himself as part of what Cameron likes to call a “hard working family”. We will never know how many kitchens or, indeed, properties Gove and Vine have managed to accrue. As for being aliens who look a bit odd; take another look at the image at the top of this post.

All this is becoming utterly ridiculous.

1 Comment »

  1. I too have a lot of vinyl. Some of it comprises treasured artefacts of an earlier age. The other stuff, lino, is laid across the floor of my house.

    It’s not that I prefer it. After all, who would not want underfloor-heated marble or granite under one’s feet. Or Persian rugs to roll in?

    However, a floating floor will just not support such luxury, so vinyl will have to do. Hopefully, the term ‘floating’ will resonate with voters. Particulaly those who walk on bare boards because they cannot afford carpets.

    Then, perhaps, they will relegate at least one of these pampered, primped and corrupt individuals to a skip containing badly-fitted avocado bath suites, rotting faux brass plumbing, cat-flaps that ruin good doors, doormats saying ‘Welcome Friend’ and dog shit, preferably unbagged.

    Keep it up

    The Realist

    Comment by The Realist — March 15, 2015 @ 7:49 pm | Reply

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