The Plastic Hippo

March 19, 2015

Come back Britain



With his boyish good looks, irrepressible optimism and hilarious sense of humour, the grateful nation will surely miss George Osborne when he checks out of Downing Street and into the Priory. The first steps on the road to recovery are to acknowledge that denial is unhelpful and that “problems” need to be addressed. In his final budget, the Chancellor of the Exchequer has confirmed that his long term economic plan is working and that we are all literally rolling in money. It must be true because he said so.

According to George, the deficit is down, employment is up and Britain is walking tall again. We are, he said, a “comeback country” which comes as great news for the one million people needing access to food banks, young people unable to gain access to employment or higher education and those irritating children who insist on waking up hungry and going to bed hungry. It must be true because the voices inside Osborne`s head said so.

By spooky coincidence, figures released on the day of the final budget confirm that there are more people in employment in the UK than ever before. Not since the days of wise old King Arthur has the nation enjoyed such prosperity. Low paid part time work, zero hours contracts and self-employed cat herders are all proper jobs even if they attract absolute zero tax revenue. George has captured the Holy Grail of full employment which must be true because his pet Unicorn, which lives in a Cheshire paddock bought by the tax payer, told him so.

Everything is perfect and wonderful and lovely and we`ve never had it so good. Not since the days of wise old King Harold Macmillan has the UK – sorry – England – sorry – the Home Counties – prospered under the stewardship of such an economic genius. Osborne`s long term economic plan is working because the downstairs lobster that lives in the grandfather clock in his drawing room said so.

The success of Osborne`s fiscal acumen means that he can once again reduce the price of a pint of beer by one princely new penny. Hoorah for George; they will be dancing in the streets of Chipping Norton tonight. This is the third year he has reduced the price of beer which by strange coincidence ties in with the brewers putting up the price of beer by 10 pence. As for the rest of the budget, wage slaves will earn a slightly higher pittance before paying tax; pensioners are encouraged to spend their annuities before they die and buy-to-let landlords can expect a three grand bung if they stump up 12 grand to stick a deposit on a death-trap to rent to the undeserving poor. Paper tax returns will disappear to be replaced by online digital accounts. Given the experience of Iain Duncan Smith`s disastrous online Universal Credit fiasco that cost millions but will never work, tax avoidance just got easier. Apart from that and a more favourable tax regime for the very well off, not a great deal of roof fixing.

This leaves a bloody great hole roughly the size and shape of 12 billion quid. But don`t worry, this shortfall will be made up by further cuts in the benefits that the poorest and most vulnerable are entitled to or by making sure that corporations and millionaires pay their sodding tax. Even now, corporations and millionaires are throwing money at the treasury to ensure a Conservative victory. It must be true because the tiny little princess that sleeps in George Osborne`s right shoe said so and the grumpy dragon that sleeps in the left shoe agreed.

The Priory are preparing to welcome George into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Duvets are being nailed to the wall, rubber furniture is being installed and only spoons will be found in the cutlery drawers. The grateful nation will miss George Osborne but satire will not.

Poor old satire is exhausted after writing itself for the last five years. Come back satire – come back Britain – go away George.

1 Comment »

  1. I have just overheard a carpenter talking to a walrus about magic beans, an evil giant, a pot of gold and a feckless lad called Gideon.

    Apparently, Gideon has planted said beans and fully expects that the resulting growth will lead all of us to a life lived happily ever after. To this end, he has dedicated his efforts to the production of vast quantities of manure in order to nourish what he has named ‘Stairway to Heaven’. Apparently, if it grows, it will take the form of a greasy pole. After the boy has scaled to summit (no doubt with vile Gollum on hand to help), we must all clamber up unaided without a safety net.

    Goodness only knows if this will work. I know for sure that Red Riding Hood is nervous. The big bad Wolf, despite his daring, is also deeply concerned. Only the axeman seems comfortable with it.

    There has, despite Gideons committment to speak of many things, been no consultation. He has never mentioned cabbages, let alone kings, sailing ships, sealing wax and string. Nor has he said anything to Treebeard, Gandalf and the Hobbits. Frankly, as a senior member of the Council representing the Land of Nod, I am worried.

    Tinkerbell tells me that there is not one but several giants to slay. She also tells me that Gideon and his wife Alice are negotiating with the wicked witch to buy a well-positioned property in the Land of Far, Far Away. From appearance, it has been badly dealt with and needs full repair. Having researched on OUIJA.lunacy.mad, it seems that some cowboy builders made rather a mess of it. I think that the outfit was called ‘Hansel & Gretel’.

    Still, it will keep him busy. The gingerbread structure will cushion his head from persistent bang of the walls. Also, he might find a use for the many magic mushrooms that grow there.

    Must go now – I’m away with the fairies later. No doubt Gideon has already arrived.

    The Realist

    Comment by The Realist — March 20, 2015 @ 12:07 pm | Reply

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