The Plastic Hippo

March 23, 2015

World Cup Walsall

Filed under: Fiction,Walsall — theplastichippo @ 2:00 am
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Walsall`s supreme leader

Scandal hit world football governing body FIFA has taken the extraordinary decision to relocate the 2018 World Cup away from Russia and stage the competition in the Metropolitan Borough of Walsall. In a further sensational development, FIFA supremo “Mr Football” Slap Bladdered has stepped down with immediate effect in order to spend more time with his money.

FIFA insist that the decision to withdraw from Russia is not due to the abuse of basic human rights, rampant corruption, the brutal murder of journalists and opposition leaders, the invasion of Ukraine or even the former host nation`s insistence on playing their group games at Chelsea`s Stamford Bridge. Instead, the emergence of Walsall as a world football powerhouse is the reason for this dramatic about face. Also the cheque from Vladimir Putin bounced.

The astonishing journey of Walsall FC culminating in a Johnstone`s Paint Wembley cup final against the mighty Bristol City has not just impressed the football ruling class, but has also inspired the town, the nation and football fans across the world. Every man, woman and child in Walsall bought a Wembley ticket and marched south to annex Brent Cross in the name of the Saddlers. These proud supporters have realised that paying to travel to see a one-nil defeat on a dismal October Tuesday night in Crawley is a little bit weird but are happy to break out the scarves and banners at the chance of winning something. Sadly, Walsall were unlucky and suffered a defeat brought about by the misfortune of not playing terribly well. But the sun was shining on the 30,000 travelling fans and a splendid day was enjoyed by all. Chesterfield police are now reviewing their crowd control policy at the prospect of 30,000 Walsall fans descending for the away game next Saturday.

The level of support for Walsall FC seems to have caused a seismic shift in the minds of the movers and shakers that run FIFA. Russia is no longer considered as a suitable host for something as important as a World Cup especially as its leader is a little bit deranged. Walsall is the perfect alternative as its leaders, past and present, are only a little bit delusional and would never, ever dream of behaving in an autocratic and arrogant fashion. If all goes well in 2018, Walsall could become the permanent home of the World Cup and even now slave labour is being flown in from Qatar to start the important work of clearing unsightly slums.

FIFA has also announced a number of other initiatives to refresh the World Cup brand. Because Russia is too cold and Qatar is too hot, the 2012 and 2016 World Cup final will be played in Walsall on Christmas Day behind closed doors to avoid crowd trouble. The Queen`s Christmas address has been re-scheduled for July and players will be managed by an X Box. Television rights will be re-negotiated to allow for a game of four quarters rather than two halves and sponsors and advertisers will be able to judge off side decisions and a separate diving completion.

The departure of FIFA president just days before Interpol caught up with him will result in the re-naming of the famous World Cup trophy. Formerly known as “Jules Rimet” and then some other name when Brazil won the thing outright, the cup will now be called simply “Bladdered”. FIFA, however, now find themselves in something of a dilemma in finding a replacement as the job description is quite specific. They require a short, rotund, pompous red-faced man who does not understand football or the necessity of financial probity. They need a man desperate to retain or regain power and man who is not afraid to deny any spurious allegation and has the ability to dismiss any credible scrutiny. He must also be able to point at things.

With Walsall confirmed as the official World Cup host and with UK elections just weeks away, sources close to FIFA suggest that there is a short list that contains a single name.

Slap Bladdered

Slap Bladdered

1 Comment »

  1. Walsall does have an advantage as Sepp Blatter and Mike Bird must be related not just from their appearance but also the fact that they have both headed organisations one of which has now been proven to be corrupt to the core. and one also being well known for having made some dodgy decisions.

    Comment by The Twitcher — May 28, 2015 @ 9:04 pm | Reply

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