The Plastic Hippo

March 29, 2015

Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte

Defending hard-working tax-dodgers

Defending hard-working tax-dodgers

Even if we embrace and take delight in a constantly evolving language, there are some occasions when the mangling of English is completely unacceptable. When asked “how are you?” the correct response is “I`m fine, thank you”. Replying “I`m good” disqualifies you from membership of the human race. The question is about your health not your morality.

Similarly, the correct way to ask for a cup of coffee is to say “can I have a cup of coffee please?” Do not, under any circumstances, attract ridicule by stating; “can I get Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte?” Going forward in an over-arching common framework might just maximise the potential of not getting a punch up the throat from colleagues, strategic partners and other stakeholders in the queue behind you. It`s only a blue sky thinking outside the box holistic initiative but let`s run it through the percolator and see if it comes out brown. Have a nice day.

A lot of this nonsense originated across the pond but it would be unfair to blame the nation that gave us friendly fire, collateral damage and the unholy periodic table union of Oxygen and Magnesium as a universal expression of surprise. Here in the old country, politicians and their script writers have become expert at producing statements that are completely meaningless. It was George Orwell who described political language as “designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance of solidity to pure wind.” Thus we have “outcomes” describing failure, “disappointment” describing failure, “negative growth” describing failure and failure described as proof of the success of “our long-term economic plan”. When backed into a corner with any actual evidence, ministers talk of the “inherited mess” and the need to draw a line and move on. When pressed, they claim not to “recognise” the figures and then proceed to tell another massive lie.

The undisputed master of the art of double-speak has to be Prime Minister David Cameron. Having dropped an almighty tactical gonad in ruling out a third term of power, he now casts himself as the champion of the straight answer. There is nothing straight about David Cameron; he is pathologically incapable of telling the truth. Failing to understand that Prime Minister`s Questions is about him giving answers, he regularly irritates Mr Speaker by asking a question of the questioner rather offering a reply. His response to formal accusations of obfuscation was to hatch a plot to remove Mr Speaker. As in so many other endeavours, Cameron completely failed.

His straight answer to a rise in VAT was an emphatic “no”. He said exactly the same thing in 2010 before he failed to win an election. Within weeks there was a rise in VAT. He said that there would be no top-down reorganisation or privatisation of the NHS, he would eliminate the structural deficit, reduce borrowing and make everything really, really lovely. The opposite has come to pass. Across every government department, the “outcomes” served up by this woeful coalition emit a stench so rank that it cannot be disguised by a marshmallow and a few chocolate sprinkles added to the froth at the last minute.

Even if there is a Costa living crisis or big bucks being awarded to stars or caffeine addicts tempted by a tea party, the chimps desperate for power at Westminster should do us all a favour and wake up and smell the coffee as our colonial cousins across the pond are so fond of saying.

In a constantly evolving language, the word Cameron has become a synonym for the word failure.

1 Comment »

  1. We can only hope that, having failed to get his required dose of electoral stimulant, Cameron will proceed, after the manner of his idol Clarkson, to punch his advisers very hard and then seek pastures new.

    Even more optimistically, like froth on a coffee, he might disappear from view altogether.

    Unfortunately, I suspect that Dave will hang around like a nasty stain on a tea cup.

    Comment by The Realist — March 30, 2015 @ 12:56 pm | Reply

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