The Plastic Hippo

April 5, 2015

Ambassador, you are really spoiling us



Even after less than a week and with the Easter egg feeding frenzy in full flow, the election campaign is spoiling us with irresistible treats of ludicrous hysteria and delicious confections lovingly crafted in abject desperation. Having triumphed at the rather ridiculous television debate by being marginally less evasive than her male counterparts, Nicola Sturgeon has managed to frighten the life out of Cameron and Miliband.

Clearly, something must be done to counter the sugar rush brought about by a politician blatantly displaying principles. Cameron did what he is good at and summoned up the spectre of Lynton Crosby to invent an immediate untruth. A memo was suddenly discovered that confirms beyond reasonable doubt that the Scottish First Minister fully supports everything that Cameron has done and will do if that particular shyster is returned to power. This astonishing revelation came about during a meeting with the French ambassador when Her Excellency conducted a courtesy visit to Scotland. One can only hope that Mme Sylvie Bermann brought with her a chocolate and hazelnut gift for Ms Sturgeon and that they the shared luxurious treats even though they resemble droppings left by the monarch of the glen or the remnants that result in gelding a West Highland Terrier.

Problem is; the senior UK government civil servant who composed the memo was not actually at the meeting but that did not impede the clear endorsement of Cameron finding its way onto the front page of the Daily Telegraph just a few days after 103 Tory donors signed a front page letter predicting Armageddon if Labour win the election. The French Consul General in Edinburgh who took the notes of the meeting, the French Ambassador and the Scottish First Minister who were actually at the meeting have all stated categorically that no such comment was made. In short, the story is complete and utter gonads. An enquiry has been launched but don`t hold your breath given this government`s record on transparency and accountability.

Obviously the SNP would love to see Cameron returned in the short term because this would hasten a second independence referendum which they will undoubtedly win after the Tories reneged on the deal by switching focus to English laws decided by an English parliament seconds after the narrow referendum result was announced. Another five years of the bunch of crooks who have ruined the UK will inevitably lead to a fragmentation of the union and possible armed insurrection. The SNP are wise enough to play the long game and are probably heading for a landslide in May.

Ed Miliband reacted differently and the reaction was very, very bad. As the only credible alternative south of Hadrian`s Wall and east of Offa`s Dyke, one might hope that a leader with ambitions to be Prime Minister would have spotted the absolutely obvious and massive elephant trap that Cameron and Crosby had laid for him. Sadly, he didn`t and had a pop at the SNP which might turn out to be a big mistake. With Ms Sturgeon doing well by promoting anti-austerity and positioning herself to the left of the Labour Party, Ed`s yah-boo response suggests that he believes a bogus story in the Daily Telegraph rather than someone he will have to work with if he wishes to govern.

It`s not quite the Gordon Brown “bigoted woman” moment, but it`s close. Miliband needs to retreat and admit that he was duped by the Telegraph nonsense and for the sake of his ambition and all our futures STFU before being fully aware of actual facts. Oh…and as an aside…stop staring into the camera…it makes you look creepy.

In the meantime, to commemorate a resurrection, let`s all eat lots of chocolate before it`s all completely spoiled.



  1. Cracking article 🙂

    Comment by AFormerLondonGirl — April 6, 2015 @ 9:15 am | Reply

  2. As a doctor of many years, may I offer my professional opinion?

    The problem is obvious – E numbers. Every parent knows the behavioural havoc that they can wreak on infant minds. Hence young Milibands misguided reaction to a likely shortage of such stimulants in his forthcoming visit to Scotland.

    I also am told that an anticipated shortage can lead to facial tics, staring blindly into the distance and unexplained weaving, ducking and diving. Above all, delusion is the threat.

    The cure is radical and may not work. The therapy is savage, short and brutal. Nevertheless, it is offered.

    It begins with a thorough purge of the internal system. It is followed by the insertion of a broomstale. This is usually down the back of the patients shirt, but in extreme cases, other openings should be considered.

    Thereafter, it is essential to keep the patient away from any negative self images and cultivate in him a real sense of of the wider world. This will help him to maintain a grip on reality and to interact with the wider community in which he now reluctantly exists.

    He must be encouraged to focus. Not on E numbers, but something more widely drawn.

    Having done a little research into hereditary afflictions, I would avoid all talk of victory. I would not continue with the present austerity treatment – he will only see this as encouragement. Instead, I would attempt regressive therapy.

    The final treatment is not pleasant. The physician advising Milipede Minor must decide between porage oats, humble pie, a Libotomy or total isolation. Critically, he needs to accept emasculation. Balls may well be at the root of his problem.

    Otherwise, I fear that his condition may be terminal.

    Dr Realist

    Comment by The Realist — April 6, 2015 @ 12:47 pm | Reply

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