The Plastic Hippo

April 7, 2015

The silence of the lambs

Filed under: Politics — theplastichippo @ 2:00 am
Tags: , , , ,
Image via Leon Neal and Getty Images

Image via Leon Neal and Getty Images

The three secrets to cooking up a perfect Moroccan Lamb Tagine are ensuring the right balance of herbs and spices used for the marinade, choosing a suitable cut of meat and allowing enough time for preparation and cooking.

Mix together paprika, cayenne pepper, ground ginger, turmeric, ground black pepper and cinnamon in a bowl. When thoroughly combined, divide the spice mixture into two halves. Alternatively, mix up some invented statistics, a large pinch of salt, fudge, deception, a smear of panic, raw greed and a little Cameron in a slop bucket. Then divide the nation into the few enjoying a rich sauce and the many getting by on a diet of gruel and taxes. These more exotic alternative ingredients might be difficult to obtain but a visit to your local fear and hate mongers should prove to be successful.

Next, select your meat. The best quality Oxfordshire lamb can be rather expensive particularly if it is a cute, photogenic orphan being represented by a modelling agency. However, lamb suitable for ordinary people is readily available at all good supermarkets for only slightly less than the cost of a second mortgage. Ask your butcher to trim the meat and cut it into two inch cubes. If ordinary lamb is beyond your budget, there is at the moment a plentiful supply of badger which makes for a cheaper substitute. Make sure the meat has been properly gassed or dispatched by a qualified marksman. Wounded badgers in excruciating pain are notoriously difficult to get into the oven. Contact DEFRA for details.

Fox should be avoided for a tagine as there is very little meat left after it has been torn to pieces by hounds for the entertainment of people sitting on horses wearing red coats.

Place the cubed meat in a large bowl with one half of the spice mix and stir making sure that the meat is coated with the seasonings. Cover and place the bowl in the fridge to marinade overnight. If using the alternative ingredients, cover everything up and lock it in the cellar until everyone has forgotten about the CSA Inquiry or until all the guilty have died peacefully of natural causes.

Heat a little olive oil and gently fry two finely chopped grated onions and the other half of the spice mix. After about five minutes, add three crushed garlic cloves and then brown the meat. When the meat is completely sealed, transfer the contents of the pan into a tagine or, if you do not live in Oxfordshire or Downing Street, a simple casserole dish. Add pasata, chopped tomatoes, dried apricots, dates, sultanas, flaked almonds, a little saffron, lamb stock and a tablespoon of clear honey.

Cover the casserole and cook in a preheated oven at gas mark two for about three hours or until the meat is tender. Garnish with chopped parsley and coriander and serve with lemon couscous, warm pitta bread and side bowls of olives, pistachio nuts and minted yoghurt.

The method of cooking this delicious meal remains basically the same when using alternative ingredients apart from a few minor differences. Instead of a tagine or casserole, use a trough lined with snouts. Replace all the standard components and load the trough with hypocrisy, untruths, crushed hope, the bedroom tax, chopped Sure Start centres, dry old fruitcakes, warped political dogma, invented austerity and a good handful of minted hedge fund managers. Leave the trough to rot for five years and then discard. Cook the books in a preheated hot oven and then increase the temperate to Fahrenheit 451 in order to crisp the evidence.

Serve with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.


  1. I tried the tagine recipe but it left a very nasty taste. Maybe the marinade contained too many artificial conservatives.

    Comment by Suzanne MacLeod — April 7, 2015 @ 6:44 am | Reply

  2. You forgot to include baloney, half-baked beans, pork pies and bullshit.

    Comment by The Realist — April 11, 2015 @ 2:49 pm | Reply

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