The Plastic Hippo

April 19, 2015

Less than three weeks to go

If he only had the nerve

If he only had the nerve

What seems to have been overlooked during the increasingly tawdry election circus is the simple fact that we are being asked to elect a government; not a president, not a king and not an emperor.

All this nonsense about a straight choice between Cameron and Miliband not only undermines parliamentary democracy but also re-enforces the dangerous reality TV notion that personality outweighs conviction, principle or political integrity and suggests that the merits and commitment of constituency candidates are meaningless. The future of the nation is a straight choice between a man who has two kitchens and a man who forgets to take his daughter home from the pub. Is this what democracy is about?

If only the decision was that simple. As the most recent televised debate demonstrated, with the opinion polls projecting no overall majority, we must now also judge the personalities of the also-rans as potential kingmakers. It seems astonishing that in the second decade of the 21st century, the majority of the media focussed on the statements made by 40 per cent of those brave enough to participate and the appearance of the remaining 60 per cent who bothered to turn up. Nigel`s suit was very nice and his hair style was immaculate but he was a bit sweaty. I didn`t like Ed`s tie at all and even though his suit was nicer than Nigel`s, his decision to employ that particular shade of lipstick was a disaster darling.

Now that the political parties have released their manifestos, the judging committee of the Man Booker prize are in for a tough time ploughing through the short list of the best published fiction of 2015. The sheer depth and beauty of imagination, fantasy and creative invention harks back to the magical realism of Salman Rushdie and Isabel Allende. Skilfully crafted with phantasmagorical surrealism, authorial reticence, hybridity and metafiction, the manifestos take us somewhere over the rainbow.

Nick Clegg wants to be judged on his record in government and claims that he has been a stabilising influence on the vindictive and venal Conservative dismantling of the state. Realising that his number is up, this jaded street walking is once again offering his “services” to anyone with the money to pay. He said that the Liberal Democrats would “add a heart to a Conservative government and a brain to a Labour one”. It seems a shame that the cowardly lion lacked the courage to vote against the Bedroom Tax, the disgraceful Welfare Bill, the selling off of the NHS and the ruination of the education system. To be fair, he did say sorry for tuition fees so that makes everything alright. Judging his record, his new career starting on May 8th might just involve him being charged with living off immoral earnings and being done for soliciting. He did not have the nerve to attend the debate so it might be best not to mention Geoff Huhne, David Laws, Lord Rennard and definitely not Cyril Smith.

At least Ed Miliband decided not to stay at home and wash his hair on the night of the televised debate. He struck a manly pose and addressed the people at home by staring intensely into the camera. It was a difficult gig but he managed to not blow the election. However, he looked weak against the leaders of Plaid, the SNP and the Greens and was saved by the Farage creature shouting “liar” at him. In continuing with austerity, replacing Trident, alienating benefit claimants and joining in with the anti-immigration poisonous rhetoric, Miliband is desperate for votes rather than socialism and as such comes across as a scarecrow already equipped with a considerable brain but not much principle. He did not have the nerve to accept Nicola Sturgeon`s offer of support so it might be best not to mention Denis MacShane, Eric Joyce, Jack Straw and definitely not Lord Janner.

David Cameron was told by Lynton Crosby to claim that he was “not invited” to the televised debate and so was not allowed to defend his period in government. The left-wing bias of the BBC clearly wanted to silence the most successful leader on this or any other planet and wilfully ignored the “hard working families” now rolling in money thanks to the “long term economic plan” that sees a million people reliant on food banks and children going to bed hungry. The BBC is clearly now part of the “coalition of chaos” that will result in not voting for President Cameron and poor old Nick Robinson was dragged from his sick bed to whisper support for his mate on the 10 o`clock news. With a Prime Minister scared of public debate, the Lizard of Oz has changed tactic and has now abandoned crude personal attacks on Miliband and replaced the pitch to the electorate with Thatcherism Two – the sequel. Bloody immigrants, eh? Someone should tell Cameron that the witch is dead – ding dong. It seems that the Bullingdon Boys are now the party of the working class and the stink of desperation is almost overpowering. In abject terror of debate, Cameron lacks the brain, heart or courage to come out from behind the curtain and expose himself as a completely fraudulent shyster. It might be best not to mention Jeremy Hunt, Grant Shapps, Malcolm Rifkin and definitely not Lord Brittan.

With the LibDem Munchkins hanging from trees in the middle distance and the Farage creature adopting the form of Toto – a tiny irritation yapping at the heels of common decency and basic humanity – the “fringe” parties will create the king. Nicola is wearing Dorothy`s Ruby Slippers. Three strong, intelligent and principled women might just put an end to this ridiculous willy-waving over Trident, the economy, social care, welfare and the migration bogey-man. If they fail to stop the stupidity, then migration to Scotland, Wales and Brighton will probably increase.

If you want to see what a real coalition looks like, take a look at the image that will define the 2015 General Election.

When shall we three meet again


  1. Clegg, the perennial Straw Man, will be blown away. The Tin Man, having no heart, and the Wizard, having no scruples, will give up, accept a place in the City and gather storm clouds over Merry England.

    The cowardly Lion will continue to prevaricate. Perhaps he might be better off with Dorothy after all – or not.

    Athough not visible, we now know who wears the red shoes.

    The realist

    Comment by The Realist — April 19, 2015 @ 2:54 pm | Reply

  2. Fantastically written!! I’m with you!

    Comment by wanderluststeph89 — April 20, 2015 @ 10:51 am | Reply

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