The Plastic Hippo

May 4, 2015

On the doorstep

Via Atlantic Syndication

Via Atlantic Syndication

If you are fed up with election leaflets comprising of an airbrushed photograph, vague platitudes and rank negativity, spare a thought for the candidates who need to have them delivered. Let`s hear how the final weekend of the campaign is going.

Labour
Another fantastic day on the doorstep; an army of volunteers delivered 10,000 leaflets to 20,000 households and the 30,000 people we spoke to all said they were sick and tired of the government and will be voting Labour. We met a millionaire buy-to-rent landlord who was innocently evicting tenants who said he was sick and tired of the government and will be voting Labour.

Setting aside 11 months of plotting against each other, we stopped to take a photograph at a street name sign and held up placards, smiled and gave a thumbs-up. We have four days to save the NHS. In the evening, we RT`d hundreds of #cameronmustgo tweets which is obviously going to remove him from Downing Street. Royal baby…blah blah…congratualtions…blah blah…because we have to say that, don`t we?

Green Party
Another fab day on the doorstep; we met some lovely, lovely people who all said that they would vote Green this time. We didn`t give out leaflets because, like, leaflets are made of trees and trees are like really important. We let everyone know that fracking would, like, make fire come out of their taps and make their houses, like you know, fall down. We went home and signed loads and loads of online petitions. Has she had the baby yet?

Liberal Democrat
Another politically responsible day on the doorstep; I stayed at home and hid in the cupboard under the stairs.

Conservative
Another spiffing day on the doorstep; at least that`s what the delivery company I employ to stuff things into letterboxes tell me. By the way, those glossy leaflets are very expensive and don`t grow on trees, you know. All the benefit scroungers and idlers pretending to be disabled, ill or poor agree with me that the mess we inherited is their entire fault and will be voting for me because the idiots will believe anything.

My chauffeur took me to some God forsaken cul-de-sac on some shabby council estate for a photo opportunity with some grubby councillor types. Christ; those plebs are dim. The main thrust of the campaign is that Miliband looks weird…okay…got that…end of. After informing the staff to celebrate the birth of a new princess that will ensure my landslide, I settled at the computer with a decent bottle of Armagnac to upload endless links to the Daily Mail and lots of pictures of me doings things including grinning through gritted teeth with the grubby councillor types around a wretched street name sign.

UKIP
Another grate British day on the doorstop; so the Slovakian migrants I employ at 50p a day to deliver my leeflets tell me via a translator. Do you know that there are entire urban areas in England where not a single soul speaks their language? This is disgraseful and is proof that the fat cat eurocrats milking the gravy train in Brussels are nothing short of racist.

I met a bloke in a pub who quite understandably wanted to set fire to immigrints. No, no, I said, UKIP are a party of compassion and would never condom such a thing. Instead, I explaned that the use of a house brick to stun the 8 million cut-throwts invading us any day soon is the humane thing to do before reaching for the jerry can full of petrol. He agrreeed and told me that he loved me.

Later, I had to punch a fotographer who had the nerve to try and take my picture as I was leaving a brothel. This is just another example of the left-wing media and the establishmint attempting to smear the party of the working man. The political earthquack is coming and the establishmint don`t like it.

I prepared for the final push by watching Richard Desmond`s excellent Asian Babes Channel on cable television.

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1 Comment »

  1. You forgot the Monster Raving Loony Party.

    In the interest of balance, here is a synopsis

    *We will reduce the national debt by selling the castles back to the French. (Buyer dismantles)
    *Tax payers to receive Nectar Points from HMRC
    *Parliament will be relocated to Wormwood Scrubs, reducing the commuting costs for most Peers and MPs

    Personally, I think the last 2 proposal have legs.

    However, I report zero visits from any party, let alone a saft bugger in a top hat.

    Shame really, as I was looking forward to tea, crumpets and a compulsory viewing of a ‘Very British Coup.

    The Realist

    Comment by The Realist — May 4, 2015 @ 8:44 pm | Reply


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