The Plastic Hippo

May 6, 2015

Cool Hand Luke

Filed under: Politics,Walsall — theplastichippo @ 2:00 am
Via Ryan Tear-Bartlett

Via Ryan Tear-Bartlett

If the first rule of comedy is sometimes but not necessarily always timing then the first rule of parachuting is to always check that you are wearing an actual parachute. Skydiving is risky enough so spare a thought for the three Conservative parliamentary candidates being parachuted into the three Walsall constituencies.

Whatever the result of the General Election, I shall miss the social media presence of the Conservative candidate for Walsall North because in victory or defeat we will never hear of him again. At first, I thought the constant stream of unsubtle cliché satirising Tory stereotypes were part of a parody account to cheer us all up yet the discovery that the nonsense was intentional made the output even more hilarious. The charm offensive comprises of photographs of the candidate being posted almost hourly. Here he is with old people, here he is with young people, with other people wearing turbans, here is drinking a pint of beer or abseiling or at a football match. Fortunately the season is over and he managed to avoid the Cameron moment of confusing Walsall FC with Wickham Wanderers, a team much closer to home.

His day is so full of being photographed that we might be interested in what he does for a living. HLD Partners “advise companies, institutions and government bodies on how best to deploy and raise capital”. In others words, a hedge fund mainly, it seems in the Gulf States and the candidate is a managing partner. Here is a photograph of a hedge fund manager that is unlikely to be posted by the candidate.

So good is he at managing hedge funds, that the Tory government asked for his opinion on the situation in Bahrain during the Arab Spring. In Bahrain, you may remember, peaceful protestors were gunned down by the dictatorship and doctors treating civilians with gunshot wounds were imprisoned. According to the candidate for Walsall North,it was all a lot of fuss about nothing, only 55 died and Bahrain is a lovely place. He did witness some terrible things, though. Heavily armed and hard working security forces entering villages in blistering temperatures wearing heavy body armour, poor loves. He recommended that because they are very, very rich we should say nothing and continue with export agreements, presumably for body armour, tear gas, assault rifles and bullets. Imagine how the candidate will react to the Willenhall Bread Riots of 2016.

His campaign is not just about his boyish good looks though. He has proved to be a great statesman by repeating just about anything spewing out of Downing Street and CCHQ in addition to opinions expressed the Telegraph, Spectator and Daily Mail as if any of this was even remotely connected to truth or reality. The Aiden Burley moment was inevitable and it came when the candidate tweeted:
“Terrible to hear news of local student stabbing whilst at school. Hopes for speedy recovery & appropriate action.”
Unfortunately the candidate only read the headline and not the story in the ghastly local paper. There was no stabbing; no attempted stabbing and no knife but just a child climbing over a fence suffering a minor cut. What the ghastly local paper and the candidate did was to stoke up wild rumour and the mentality of the mob to the detriment of children. It seems that children in Bahrain have more in common with children in Walsall North than originally thought.

When not posting his pretty face or quoting Iain Duncan Smith, the candidate enjoys nothing more than dishing out good, old-fashioned Tory nastiness. His main target is his opponent, a long-standing and well-respected Labour MP. It seems the MP is too old, is useless, never speaks in parliament and is responsible for every problem in Walsall North and probably the planet. Apparently, the MP has “claimed” £1.5million of tax-payers money – outrageous.

Given the sitting MP has been there for 36 years, it must be a pretty incompetent hedge fund manager not to understand that £1.5million equates to an average annual salary of about the same as he pays his leaflet delivery service or that £1.5million equates to what your average hedge fund manager takes home in a 12 month period. The candidate isn`t very good at maths or, indeed, commitment.

The Famous Grouse moment came when he announced on Twitter that he would resign if there was no EU referendum. Can anyone else spot what is utterly hilarious about this? Yes there is a triumphant arrogance and almost breathtaking narcissism but what is funny is that he thinks people will vote for him after threatening to resign over Europe and walk away from a constituency he keeps telling us he is working for. The candidate is certainly shallow but he is also a bit dim.

It`s not much better in Walsall South where the Conservative campaign comprises of spending a lot of money, sticking up banners on derelict pubs and screaming “local girl” from the turret of a gated mansion way out in the countryside.

It is only marginally less farcical in Aldridge-Brownhills because that is a safe Tory seat. However, rumours are circulating of bullying and resignations in a former life and serial non-dom allegations in constituencies fought elsewhere.

What the Tory free fall parachute team seem happy to forget is that if elected, they represent a constituency, communities and individuals and not themselves or big business or David bloody Cameron.

The candidate for Walsall North might wish to reflect upon that as he flies back to Bahrain on Friday evening.

1 Comment »

  1. Hi Hippo. Great stuff. Thanks.

    Let’s also not forget that while expounding the need for austerity, food banks and the bedroom tax, Mr. Hasno-Luck also organises dinners to further democracy, open to anyone for £1,000ish per ticket.

    I hear the Beechdale and Short Heath tables were a hoot.


    Comment by BrownhillsBob — May 6, 2015 @ 10:05 am | Reply

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