The Plastic Hippo

May 26, 2015

Suprise, surprise

Lucille Balls

Lucille Balls

Cor blimey, strike a light, lawks a mercy you could knock me down with a feather Mary Poppins and no mistake. As we bask in the consolidation of traditional British values of not liking foreigners and poor people very much, imagine the horror and incredulity at discovering that the banks have been acting illegally again…and again…and again. I didn`t see that one coming and I am shocked – shocked I tell you – that one or maybe two bad apples have yet again besmirched the impeccable reputation of our entrepreneurial financial wealth creators. Never mind, no harm done, lessons have been learned and it`s time to draw a line and move on. No arrests have been made.

Never in a million years did I ever suspect that the noble and courageous investigative journalists working at Mirror Group Newspapers would emulate their rivals at News International by hacking into the phones of minor celebrities to bring us tittle-tattle that is as relevant as a bunch of former Liberal Democrat MPs. Shocking…shocking, never mind…no arrests have been made.

Completely out of the blue came the shocking news that a former Liberal Democrat cabinet minister invented a complete pack of lies in an attempt to rubbish his masters` political rivals in Scotland. Blow me down, that came as a complete surprise. Who would have thought that an elected representative would be dishonest and who could imagine that the ruling party in a former coalition government would turn on their former slaves with such ferocity. Never mind…Alistair Carmichael is still a serving MP.

Who could have possibly predicted that one or maybe two bad apples in the police service would tell massive lies about the Hillsborough disaster? Mercifully, their more honest colleagues have identified a group of old aged pensioners who drilled their way into a vault to steal the expensive trinkets of the already obscenely wealthy. Thankfully, the full force of the Met has resulted in arrests being made.

The boys in blue, under the formidable auspices of the National Police Chief`s Council, have also indentified more than 1,400 “prominent men” in establishment circles who have been investigated regarding accusations of historic child sexual abuse. The number of powerful perverts revealed by Operation Hydrant is surprisingly low and may or may not include the two high profile minor celebrities given custodial sentences as a result of Operation Yewtree. No names have been disclosed and no further arrests have been made. Surprise, surprise – any news on the start of the CSA Inquiry? – No, I thought not.

Only the most cynical of curmudgeons would shrug knowingly and say “quelle surprise” at the tawdry spectacle of a re-elected Prime Minister tinkering with the terms of reference and voting eligibility for a European Union Referendum. I`m shocked and stunned – what betting man or woman would have put money on that?

I have been knocked for six and completely flabbergasted by the unexpected and completely out of character reaction of the parliamentary Labour Party to electoral defeat. It is beyond imagination to ever have thought that members of the shadow cabinet jockeying for position in an endless leadership replacement process could possibly blame the former leader and each other and not themselves for making a complete hash of it. There`s a turn up for books and no mistake and is about as unexpected as the shadow chancellor losing his seat.

In these strange times, perhaps the most ridiculous and unlikely surprise is that Andy Coulson knew of the hacking of a dead schoolgirl`s voice mail and had actually read the transcripts. What utter nonsense. I`m shocked – shocked I tell you – that people could sink so low as to besmirch the good character of a fine, upstanding public servant. The allegations are nothing more than piffle and any judge left with any credibility should dismiss these outrageous claims without any further unnecessary investigation.

These smears are as believable and implausible as England winning a test match at Lords utilising cricketing skill, dedicated team work, strong leadership and honest hard work.

Oh…cor blimey.

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