The Plastic Hippo

July 10, 2015

Urgent travel advice

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 2:00 am
Tags: ,


There now follows an important message from the Department for Foreign Affairs issued by the Tunisian Government on Friday 10th July 2015.

“Citizens of Tunisia; your democratically elected government has been made aware of credible and serious threats to the safety and lives of the Tunisian people. Therefore, it is vital that any nationals currently residing in the United Kingdom should return home with immediate effect. Do not collect belongings or talk to your neighbours and make your way to the nearest airport.

Those people on holiday in the UK should contact their travel company to arrange a swift evacuation. Under no circumstances should citizens enter areas such as Hackney, Handsworth or Toxteth as these tourist destinations are now controlled by militant extremists. Your government has declared that the UK is now a rogue and failed state based on its human rights record and the way it treats the poor, the young, the old and just about everyone else that disagrees with them. Do not even consider using the London Underground.

Our heroic security services have uncovered dastardly plots that intend to end civilisation as we know it and, in terms of public interest, these conspiracies have to remain undisclosed. It might be a bit unspecific and rather vague but you can be confident that whenever some nutter with a gun goes on the rampage, we will stand firm against terrorism and bomb the intercourse out of anyone who looks a bit foreign. Even now our armed forces are targeting Charleston, Cumbria and Dunblane to eradicate terrorists that threaten our traditional Tunisian values.

Citizens are urged to return home at once where you will be allowed to cower in fear and be grateful to a government that is happy to destroy the economy of a valued ally and sell them lots of lovely guns.

We are all in this together; be vigilant and stay strong.”

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