The Plastic Hippo

August 4, 2015

Summer 2016

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 2:06 am
Tags: ,
Severn Bridge Toll via

Severn Bridge Toll via

It is completely outrageous and totally unacceptable that my third holiday of the year should be disrupted by hoards of foreign scroungers attempting to cross our borders. The government must do something to prevent our once proud nation from descending into anarchy at the hands of so-called refugee shirkers intent on destroying our way of life.

We made good time on this nation`s wonderful motorway system as we sped toward our luxurious rented holiday cottage on the Pembrokeshire coast until we approached the second Severn crossing on the M4. Due to thirty or forty Welshmen attempting to enter England from the other side of the bridge, Operation Slack had been put into place across the whole of Gloucestershire. Mile upon mile of parked juggernauts waited patiently until the media arrived to report an invasion of a Swansea pub cricket team hell-bent on reaching the Edgbaston test match “by any means possible”.

Hundreds of English holidaymakers were forced to endure the agony of listening to Steve Wright in the Afternoon for up to 45 minutes instead of the usual five seconds in order to prove that our British values are under attack. Heroic film crews interviewed the true victims of the calamity – the English. It became clear that responsibility for the delay and disruption lay on the western side of Offa`s Dyke and speaker after speaker who said that it was no worse than a Bank Holiday ended up out of the edit in favour of the one or two who said: “It`s disgusting – send them back – England is full”.

Having secured the footage and the voxpops, the heroic media move across the border where there be dragons and the traffic began to move. There was, however, further delay as the security services intercepted an extended family group attempting to flee into Wales to join the Plaid Cymru caliphate. It turned out that they were from Yorkshire and the adult males were ex-miners. Radicalised and brainwashed into the ridiculous idea that sheep and coal are still economically viable, these terrorists were promptly deported back to England and put under 24 hour surveillance. Mercifully, we had our Home Counties passports and our faces were not covered in coal dust or beards so we were allowed to continue our journey.

There was some confusion at the tolls as some of the directional signage was in Welsh which is most inconsiderate. If people want me to spend my money in their country the least they can do is to speak English. The squatter camp beyond the toll was beyond description. Our brave media film crews were desperately and unsuccessfully searching out migrants who wanted to come to England to claim benefits, live for free in a mansion and be given three meals a day by a “soft touch” government. Graduates, doctors, lawyers and teachers were climbing the fences to get away from the BBC, ITN and Sky News.

The holiday itself was okay I suppose. Yes, the scenery was beautiful, yes the beach was stunning, the pubs were welcoming, the tea shops charming but the problem was the natives and the problem is that they are not English or wealthy. I really think that the government should stand firm against anyone wishing to escape misery, find a job, buy food and find somewhere to live in safety. If any of these scroungers make it across our borders, the government should introduce legislation to evict them and starve their children. That will teach them a lesson and they will think twice before trying to work in a school, hospital, transport or even a government department.

There is, it seems, an old Welsh proverb:
“Eang yw`r byd i bawb”

The approximate translation is:
“The world is wide to everyone”.

Thank goodness the government thinks otherwise. Nos da.

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