The Plastic Hippo

October 3, 2015

Red October

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 2:01 am
Tags: , ,
Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn

It is June 2020 and Captain First Rank Jeremy Corbyn surveys the eastern seaboard of the United States from the conning tower of his recently surfaced Typhoon-class nuclear submarine. Equipped with an undetectable stealth drive propulsion unit and loaded with multiple warhead intercontinental ballistic missiles, his submarine represents the pinnacle of human ingenuity it its pursuit of the most efficient way to destroy humanity.

Russian President Roman Abramovich, fearing that Captain First Rank Corbyn had gone stark, raving mad, dispatched the entire Russian Navy to hunt down and destroy the renegade submarine. In Washington, American President Donald Trump, fearing an imminent nuclear attack, placed the US military on full alert deployed a carrier task force and a fleet of submarines to hunt down and destroy the clear and present danger. In London, Prime Minister Boris Johnson immediately ordered the launching of the last remaining pedalo commissioned into the Royal Navy.

Captain First Rank Jeremy Corbyn reflected upon his voyage to this moment as he scanned the horizon for the inevitable incoming weaponry. It was only five years earlier that he had been a lowly deckhand working un-noticed in the bowels of the ship before finding himself promoted to commander by making the simple mistake of being honest and sticking to his principles. Uncomfortable in a nice hat and lots of gold braid, the captain now had a simple choice; push the button or not push the button.

After becoming disillusioned with decades of political hypocrisy and corruption and after removing the submarines` political officer, a very sinister character by the name of Putin, Captain First Rank Corbyn announced to the crew that he would not push the button and instead would scuttle the vessel and consign it to the deepest part of the ocean. The ensuing mutiny saw the crew accuse him of being insane, unpatriotic, unelectable and, more importantly, they did not like the shade of his neck tie on the few occasions that he did not wear a neck tie in a blatant display of disrespect to King Charles III.

Captain First Rank Corbyn went down with his ship due to his stubborn belief that he did not want to be responsible for incinerating the entire human race and every other living thing apart from the cockroaches and single cell primitive life forms that make money from wars. The UN Secretary General Rupert Murdoch described his demise as a victory for common sense.

In the autumn of 2020, a fictional film biography of Captain First Rank Corbyn was premiered in a great, big shed at the former Royal Navy facility at Faslane. Posthumously scripted by Tom Clancy and starring the 90-year-old Sean Connery, the film won an Oscar for the most ridiculous Russian accent ever recorded.

The UK Secretary for Culture, Media and Sport, Jeremy Clarkson, described the film as “crap”.


1 Comment »

  1. Absolute genius.

    The only thing missing is some music. The Band Played Waltzing Matilda might work.

    Comment by The Realist — October 3, 2015 @ 10:43 am | Reply

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