The Plastic Hippo

October 30, 2015

Trouble and strife me old China


He has only been gone a week but a grateful United Kingdom is already missing the wisdom, kindness, easy charm, wit and boyish good looks of the supreme leader and President of the People`s Republic of China, Xi Jinping. Since he`s been gone, it has been an uncomfortable week for Chancellor Osborne and the splendid deal he struck with China now seems to be a forgotten memory.

The spectacular pomp and ceremony of a full state visit is, or course, the very least that an unelected stranger to democracy deserves especially if he or she controls vast amounts of money. Assad of Syria, Robert Mugabe, General Pinochet, Emperor Hirohito, Joseph Mobuto of Zaire, Nicolae Ceausescu, King Faisal of Iraq, the Shah of Iran, a long line of Saudi Kings and various Israeli Prime Ministers have trooped up the red carpeted apples and pears for a banquet with the Queen.

However, the visit of Xi (known to crossword compilers as “eleven”) proved to be of greater significance as millions of Chinese cockneys spontaneously took to the streets to welcome and adore the Great Leader and by total coincidence, drown out the pathetic protests by anti-business, unpatriotic extremists deluded enough to care about the insignificance of human rights and somewhere called Tibet. Mercifully, any discussion of governmental corruption, ruthless state surveillance, oppression of the poor and vulnerable, suppression of any dissent and a discredited media controlled by a single party took place behind closed doors. Additionally, President Xi displayed statesmanlike diplomatic courtesy by not bringing up the embarrassing Iain Duncan Smith question or why Jeremy Hunt is still not breaking rocks in a government labour camp. You wouldn`t Adam and Eve it?

Apart from the cheering crowds, there are so many happy memories and enduring images to cherish and give witness to Osborne`s genius at securing a future for British industry and infrastructure. A photo opportunity with the Prime Minister drinking fine English Ale in a fine English pub with shotguns attached to the wall might send a mixed message to the Chinese public but a photograph with Argentine footballer Sergio Aguero and Manchester City chairman Khaldoon Al Mubarak is proof that Britain is in no way even a tiny bit racist when it comes to a cheque book or credit card and welcomes immigrants as long as they can score goals and leave farm animals unmolested. Doctors, nurses and teachers, however, can wait as Britain is already full of doctors, nurses and teachers.
The image of Theresa May killing a flock of birds with a single stone by wearing red, standing closer to the Queen than Cameron and sporting a giant titfer poppy on her head to prove that she cares more about the war dead than the rest of us put together sends a more powerful message than any gunboat sailing up the Yangtze. Like tractor production, rice cultivation, steel production and cloned technology, the poppy harvest is the best since the Long March, the Great Leap Forward and the Cultural Revolution.

On the down side, we see Britannia stripped of her shield, trident and Corinthian helmet hanging around a deserted industrial estate late at night touting for business in a mini skirt and string vest. Her elderly oil-rich customer is about to fall off the perch or, any day soon, be knocked off the perch by an oppressed population. Whore Britannia needs a new, more virile client. With America talking to Iran, Putin rattling sabres and Israel gone stark, staring mad, a new Arab Spring might result in some old friends being removed from the Christmas card list along with the Dalai Lama, Europe and the British public.

There can be no better time to right off the manufacture of British steel and then offer tenders to heavily subsidised and inferior hard stuff from China. It might be cheap now but once a monopoly is established, it will not be cheap for long. It is disconcerting that a Chancellor committed to globalisation and the free market economy should exhibit behaviour that suggests complete ignorance of globalisation and the free market economy. He is to fiscal acumen what Cameron is to the truth.

As a new James Bond film has been recently released to entertain the easily distracted, scriptwriters might be brainstorming the plot for the next blockbuster in the jaded franchise. With the working title “Lame Sexual Innuendo”, a drug-crazed cabinet minister allows a sinister and dictatorial foreign power to design, build and operate nuclear facilities on British soil. “M”, played by Theresa May in a splendid hat that looks like a poppy, instructs Bond to foil the plot. He fails, the lights go out and we all die in a series of massive nuclear explosions or “accidents” as they say in Beijing.

It seems that the Chinese media avoided describing Jeremy Corbyn as the “Leader of the Opposition” because such a concept is alien to voters in China. Apparently Jeremy Corbyn has a very large cat that he likes to stroke and is obviously a threat to national security.

With the economy in a right two and eight, Osborne is desperate to save his boat race and so chucks his dummy in the dirt and invents a constitutional crisis to have the old heave ho at the Berks in the Lords. When he`s not completely Brahms, old Butter Osborne is a bit of a J. Arthur. Thank goodness for Chinese cockneys.

1 Comment »

  1. thank you sorry to have missed you today
    good luck with the book

    Comment by davidh936 — October 31, 2015 @ 9:29 pm | Reply

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