The Plastic Hippo

December 21, 2015

Fifth column

Smiley`s people

Smiley`s people

Regardless of the systematic dismantling of the state, the blatant lies and the ideological glee at making the disadvantaged suffer, the British public owe a huge debt of gratitude to the clever spooks who tell David Cameron what to do, think and say. The Machiavellian undermining of political opponents by Tory Party strategists is as good if not better than a John Le Carré novel and the intrigue and subterfuge employed to allow kippers to implode has seen off the danger of a nasty bigot and his odd followers getting anywhere near parliament. The spin doctors at Conservative Central Office deserve our undying and, in some cases, dying thanks.

The clever manoeuvring began on day one of the coalition government with the appointment of utterly useless Liberal Democrat MPs into ministerial responsibility for making the tea and fetching the biscuits. Within days Nick Clegg had learnt to think of England and bite the pillow when abandoning any pretence of modesty or principle as “promises” made on tuition fees, the NHS and a steelworks in his own constituency were cast aside like a whore`s drawers. Within weeks, Liberal Democrat lightweights with ideas above their station were quickly neutralised by a quiet word to the Standards Committee and the Essex constabulary. Obviously the errors made by David Laws and Chris Huhne were the result of a misunderstanding. Vince Cable vowed to take on Murdoch over BSkyB but the old fool fell for an elaborate sting involving a couple of young lovelies working for Murdock. Danny Alexander was too dull to smear so he was promoted to Chief Secretary to the Treasury.

The really clever bit is that Tory strategists managed to shift blame and responsibility for a woeful coalition onto the Liberal Democrats who, after electoral humiliation, now camp out on the pavement outside the BBC in the vain hope of being invited in for an interview.

With the enthusiastic cooperation of a feral right-wing media, Tory spymasters set about Ed Miliband with the ferocity of fox-hounds after Reynard or possibly Rennard the Liberal Democrat lord. The best that quality journalism and profound political thinking could come up with was that Miliband has two kitchens, his father “hated” Britain and that he looks a bit odd when eating a bacon sandwich. As informed political debate goes, all this was a reminder that informed political debate is dead.

During the Scottish referendum, the schemers in the bowels of CCHQ played a blinder at smearing and insulting the YES campaign who, in turn, were not quite as effective at smearing and insulting the NO campaign. Portraying the SNP and Labour as being joined at the hip provoked an almighty bust-up on the centre left resulting in a Labour wipe-out in Scotland and a later Conservative majority in Westminster. Miliband might look like a geek eating a butty but he was a complete fool to be duped into signing up to a Tory “pledge” that turned into “English votes for English MPs” about five minutes after the referendum result was declared.

When Miliband resigned after defeat, Tory spin doctors worked on plans to discredit any possible successor and must have squealed with delight when the name Jeremy Corbyn appeared on the ballot paper with seconds to spare. In a brilliant piece of skulduggery, Tory activists were encouraged to pay three quid to become “associate” supporters of the Labour Party and vote for Corbyn to ensure a completely unelectable Leader of the Opposition. Duly elected with a considerable majority, the systematic destruction of Corbyn began. Unfortunately, Comrade Corbyn seems able to ignore the increasingly hysterical attacks and even a casual observer might be impressed with his dignity under such savage provocation. He regularly wipes the floor with David Cameron at the dispatch box leaving the Prime Minister red in the face unable to answer reasonable questions and shouting at the opposition benches that everything is the fault of a party last in power five and a half years ago. Tory activists will be asking for their three quid back.

Undeterred by this set back, the shadowy tacticians have managed to reduce the threat of core voting little Englanders and blue collar racists being tempted away by an aggressive xenophobe. The plan is deceptively simple. First identify two underperforming back bench MPs who are going nowhere on the greasy pole and instruct them to shout a lot about needing to leave the EU. A few months before a general election, have them resign and defect to the kippers and then call by elections. Make sure that they win and then instruct them to go into deep cover and wait for a coded signal. Sadly, one of them lost in the general election but remains programmed to carry out his task. When the coded signal is transmitted, they are to make mischief, cause trouble and disrupt the kipper machine from behind enemy lines. Promise them that after a year or two, they can return to the fold with a junior ministerial post or a peerage.

The coded message has been sent. An off the record briefing to the media by Tory spooks, un-attributable of course, suggests that the EU referendum will take place in June 2016. Just as the thing that kippers have always wanted is imminent, up pops the first mole and although no longer an elected representative is invited to occupy the chair reserved for kippers on Question Time. Spouting carefully scripted nonsense he draws groans from the audience as his rehearsed and deliberate idiocy becomes an embarrassment. Then mole two goes into action and calls for a change of leader triggering lots of shouting and the inevitable melt-down. Such espionage is a thing of beauty if you don`t mind the sordid trashing of the democratic process.

Smears, dirty tricks and the black arts are nothing new in politics but the current Tory controllers have taken the subversion of opponents to new levels of devilment. Having thanked the Liberal Democrats for five years of allowing the dismantling of compassion, the Liberal Democrats are no more. The kippers have been well and truly stitched and some might argue that Corbyn`s downfall will be brought about by long dormant sleeper cells within the Parliamentary Labour Party.

Clearly, lots of time, effort and thought has been devoted to the black arts by the Conservative Party, their corporate backers and a sympathetic media. It seems a shame that they are unwilling to turn their expertise to reducing the national debt, securing public services, ensuring that no child goes hungry and made some effort to unite the nation and not divide it for the sake of short-term electoral advantage.

Perhaps it is time for a sixth column.


  1. cast aside like a whore`s drawers.

    Comment by davidh936 — December 21, 2015 @ 5:45 pm | Reply

  2. […] Read Plastic Hippo’s article in full here. […]

    Pingback by Happy Christmas: despite the ideological glee at making disadvantaged people suffer | Our Birmingham — December 22, 2015 @ 10:36 am | Reply

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