The Plastic Hippo

January 1, 2016

Old Bores Armagnac

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 12:10 pm
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Via mainlesson.com
The turn of the year is the perfect opportunity for various clairvoyants, mediums, soothsayers, astrologers and other fraudsters to separate gullible fools from their money by publishing spurious predictions for the coming 12 months. The majority of arcane prophesy is predictably vague to ensure an element of self fulfilment and a continuing reputation for uncanny second sight. Thus we have the foretelling of lots of weather in 2016 and the occasional earthquake and aeroplane crash. There will be scandals involving people who are famous for being famous exposed as promiscuous, publicity seeking dilettantes. Old people will die and corruption will be discovered within governments. Sport will take place and minor celebrities will rise and fall and give and receive the gift and curse of pregnancy. Civilians will be killed by bombs, either dropped from the sky or carried in vests and although lots of oratory will continue, not very much will be done about it. Here is the plastic hippo`s Armagnac for 2016.

January
An MP dominates media attention for about 10 minutes after being exposed as a hypocrite and rather pathetic if creepy dirty old man. Quite why his employers at a national newspaper revealed his sordid habits remains, by necessity, unclear but it has nothing to do with shifting the news agenda away from the banking industry that can now officially operate above the law.

The UK government is rocked by a further scandal involving a veteran cabinet minister`s shocking and unacceptable opinions. A Freedom of Information request produces evidence that the minister submitted expenses claims for peas, rice, ackee, saltfish and jerk chicken purchased from the Harrods food court. Recently released cabinet papers made public under the 30 year rule also revealed that he bought a Toots and the Maytals long playing record in 1985. The nation is shocked to discover that a cabinet minister might not actually be a racist. The minister apologises for any unintentional offence and reminds the public that it was all a long time ago and that he is now a fully functioning racist.

Unprecedented rainfall in “The North” results in record flood levels not experienced since December 2015.

A state of emergency is declared in Chipping Norton after a gust of wind blew over a pub menu board.

The Chilcot report is delayed for administrative reasons

February
The UK Labour Party continues on the downward spiral to irrelevance and self-destruction by objecting to needless austerity and offering an alternative to spiteful cruelty. The parliamentary party continue to smear and plot against their leader and membership and the leader and membership continue to smear and plot against the parliamentary party.

The independent Office for National Statistics confirms that Jeremy Corbyn is responsible for an increase in borrowing, debt, deficit and unprecedented rainfall in “The North” prompting the government to table a bill seeking to abolish Her Majesty`s Loyal Opposition as this would be in the best interests of the Labour Party. Large sections of the business community, the banking industry and the media are supportive of the bill yet the Labour Party is too pre-occupied to notice.

A £10billion flood defence scheme is announced to protect Chipping Norton.

The start of the CSA Inquiry is delayed for administrative reasons.

March
The latest fracking licenses come into effect in the Peak District, the North Yorkshire Moors and the Yorkshire Dales with shale gas production starting before Easter.

Following unprecedented rainfall and record flood levels in Cumbria, the National Trust seek to rename the Lake District as simple “The Lake” and the government announces that it is redeploying the UK`s Trident nuclear deterrent to a newly commissioned submarine facility in Keswick.

Donald Trump buys York and converts it into a trout farm creating millions of jobs.

The Chilcot report is delayed because nobody can find the stapler.

April
The Peak District, the North Yorkshire Moors and the Yorkshire Dales collapse forming huge holes which are rapidly inundated by the North and Irish Seas. The government announces the construction of two ship canals to link the new port of Thirsk with Keswick and the new deep sea harbours in Sheffield and Manchester. Millions of jobs are created.

A half eaten cheeseburger wins Strictly Bake-off Talent Factor.

The CSA Inquiry is delayed because a panel member became stuck in a lift.

May
The Football Association hold a private meeting at the luxury Russian resort of Sochi and decide that Chelsea Football Club have been unfairly disadvantaged throughout the 2015/2016 season. Having meticulously reviewed video tapes over the course of three weeks at a poolside bar, the FA retrospectively award Chelsea the full three points for every game played taking the club to the top of the premier division. In an unrelated development, the entire Leicester City squad suffer a series of separate freak power tool accidents involving kneecaps and toes.

There is no rainfall anywhere in the UK during May.

A half eaten cheeseburger is elected as London mayor and announces that as part of the commemorations for the Battle of Hastings, another inquiry into airport runway capacity will take place in the year 2066.

The Chilcot report is delayed as there is no R in the month.

June
The European Referendum takes place to coincide with the return of a British Astronaut, the EUFA Euro 2016 football tournament in France and the Queen`s Official Birthday. The surge in national pride results in UK voters simultaneously deciding to stay in the European Union and to leave the European Union. Amid growing tension between England and Scotland, troops are deployed to the hastily constructed coastal batteries at Barnard Castle and Kirkby Stephen.

England suffer a power tool related defeat against Russia in the opening game and then suffer a five nil drubbing in the match against Wales. Needing to beat Slovakia 27 nil to qualify for the next round, England manage a lacklustre goalless draw and return to a barrage of criticism from a dejected nation.

In the Birthday Honours List, Rupert Murdoch is awarded a knighthood, a peerage, the Order of the Garter and the BBC. Oliver Letwin is made a Dame but the heroic British astronaut refuses an O.B.E. and says that he wishes to return to the International Space Station and live there forever.

The CSA Inquiry is delayed as the panel are watching the football.

July
A drought is declared in parts of “The North”.

August
Surrounded by controversy, the summer Olympic Games take place in Rio. Specially invited corporate sponsors are treated to a riot of colour and spectacle in a half-finished stadium as baton wielding police fire tear-gas at thousands of local residents attempting to storm the opening ceremony as a protest against austerity and corruption. The IOC managed to escape by helicopter accompanied by suitcases full of money.

Following a raid on the Olympic village by officers of the Rio drugs squad, Greenland top the medal table winning every gold, silver and bronze in every event with the exception of an ice-skating gold for South Sudan and a solitary bronze in synchronised swimming which Lord Coe awarded himself when nobody was looking.

The Chilcot report is delayed as Tony Blair remains in good health.

September
Three prominent elderly men die leading to speculation that the CSA Inquiry might arrange a meeting. Unfortunately a member of the panel was washing her hair that day.

Persuaded not to go back into space, our heroic British astronaut takes up a new challenge and sets a new land speed record in a British built vehicle that utilises HS2 technology and Brimstone missile targeting. Powered by locally sourced shale gas, Frack II covered the dry lake bed of what was once Coniston Water in less than an hour.

The NHS introduce a contactless card paying system in a pilot scheme limited to inner city A&E units and fit millage metres ambulances operated by Aviva and National Express.

A brief shower of rain is observed in Cumbria bringing the drought to an end.

October
Increasing hostility between Scotland and England escalates into skirmishes in the Hexham Bay area resulting in the UN deploying peace keeping forces drawn from the Central African Republic and Burundi. A creepy MP sends suggestive texts to the First Minister and a veteran cabinet minister suggests that Scots are morally weak and spend money on drugs in discos. Scotland reacts by annexing Northumberland and then declaring unilateral independence. The European Union expels the UK, now known simply as “The Kingdom”, because it is judged to be a failing rogue state and a drain on resources and patience.

Unprecedented rainfall causes record flooding.

An American actress that nobody has heard of adopts a series of homeless English children from Airedale assuming that they will be as cute as a breed of terrier.

November
Unprecedented rainfall again submerges “The North” as 100ft razor wire flood protection barriers are erected around the Houses of Parliament and Downing Street. The economy slips into recession and the government borrow money from Sepp Blatter proving that the long-term economic plan is working.

A fully digested cheeseburger completes its journey through the alimentary canal and is elected President of the United States.

Benjamin Netanyahu, Tony Blair and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi are jointly awarded the Nobel Peace Prize.

US drones fly reconnaissance missions over Fort William.

December
The discovery of primitive life-forms in the polar regions of Mars causes an existential crisis in world religion resulting in the cancellation of Christmas.

The Chilcot report is finally published. The 10,000 page dossier gives an insight into the workings of government. Page one details the title of the report and the final page carries the signature of the chair of the inquiry. The other 9,998 contain close typed text redacted with thick black lines in the interests of national security.

The CSA Inquiry is delayed because most of the panel members have died of old age. A new panel is formed which will first meet at a date to be determined by the longevity of prominent elderly men with something to hide.

Sir John Chilcot, Hon. Lowell Goddard DNZM, Tony Blair and Lynton Crosby are each awarded a peerage in the New Year`s Honours List for services to politics and for exemplary public duty.

On New Year`s Eve, thousands of homeless people sleeping rough in central London are treated to a thoroughly marvellous firework display.

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