The Plastic Hippo

January 14, 2016

Vacant situations

Filed under: Fiction,Politics — theplastichippo @ 12:01 am
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Due to unprecedented success and expansion, Her Majesty`s government is seeking to recruit further high quality senior executives across a broad range of disciplines to consolidate and develop corporate excellence going forward. We require high-end, front-facing, hands-on, self-starting, low-maintenance, top class professionals with a proven track record of leadership, innovation, accountability, robust scrutiny, sound economic judgement and previous extensive experience in the scapegoat sector.

The successful applicants will be expected to support hard working ministers by providing detailed reports based on hearsay, spurious data sets and statistical evidence that irrefutably proves that everything is going ever so well. A comprehensive understanding of public relations and media manipulation is essential as is the ability to respond to aggressive media interrogation by keeping a cool head and not saying anything stupid. As well as protecting ministers from impertinent questioning, the post-holders will be expected to investigate, identify and eradicate any risk to both reputation and bottom line profitability.

Here is a selection of current vacancies:

Environment Agency
The post holder is the head responsible for all natural disasters, global warming and the total destruction of the planet. The role ensures that the organisation has effective, efficient and value for money services and solutions, appropriate operating infrastructure and management controls and information. A working knowledge of Caribbean holiday resorts is desirable and candidates will be expected to wear wellies at photo opportunities.

Her Majesty`s Revenue and Customs
This high profile role requires strong relationship management skills coupled with a risk and controls mind set and a broad compliance appreciation. The successful candidate will demonstrate empathy for innocent and hard working multi-national corporations as they struggle to understand a complex system of taxation and will ensure that single mothers in part time jobs pay for their idle lifestyles by removing the luxury of working tax credits. Experience in a call centre environment and an excellent telephone manner is desirable.

Financial Conduct Authority
This senior leadership position is a unique and critical role to assist with the delivery of robust and efficient finance processes and systems across the banking and trading sectors. Stressing the core values of accountability, responsibility, transparency and deniability, the post holder will ensure that any suggestion of impropriety or wrongdoing perpetrated by honest, hard working wealth creators is ignored, buried and forgotten about. In compliance with the equal opportunities policy, candidates with a blind eye are encouraged to apply for this position.

Care Quality Commission and NHS England
As well as having the ability to work a wide scope of role, the successful applicant will have the credibility and experience of working with capacity providers with confidence and authority. Together with a thorough understanding of the market values of life saving medication and the necessity of stable profit margins in the private health care industry, careful monitoring of the news agenda will allow the post holder to exploit the threat of terrorist atrocities to maintain discipline within an unruly and selfish workforce. Arbitration and negotiation skills are desirable but not essential as the ability to prioritise value for money outweighs any outdated model of care outcomes. A medical qualification is not required.

Other posts include senior positions at Ofsted, Ofcom, Ofgem, Ofwat, the Office of Rail and Road, the BBC Trust and Sport England. Under the Rehabilitation of Offenders legislation, previous criminal convictions will not be taken into account when processing applications.

An excellent remuneration package is offered to suitable candidates. All posts are part time (three hours per week plus additional media interviews) with a six figure annual salary depending on the number of influential old school chums on the applicants CV. Free private health care and a second or third home are provided along with a car plus driver, food, drink, help with utility bills and school fees for any grandchildren. The contract lasts approximately 12 months or until a scapegoat is required when “retirement” triggers the award of considerable severance pay, a generous pension scheme, introductions to major companies requiring directors and a peerage. In return, the outgoing post holder is required to keep his or her mouth shut and not write any memoirs.

To apply, send a covering letter, a current CV and a donation payable to the Conservative and Unionist Party of Great Britain. The address is on our website (currently unavailable due to essential maintenance). Interviews will be held over drinks at White`s Club in St James`s Street.

Her Majesty`s government* aspires to being committed to working towards becoming an equal opportunities employer and welcomes applications from people unfortunate enough not to be white, wealthy and approaching retirement age. Candidates in possession of a conscience, heart or any actual ability are encouraged to apply as a comprehensive training programme is available to remove these obstacles to employment.

*Her Majesty`s government is a wholly owned subsidiary of Halliburton, News International, Goldman Sachs, Serco, G4S and Virgin Healthcare.


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