The Plastic Hippo

January 30, 2016


Filed under: Politics,Rights,Society,World — theplastichippo @ 2:00 am
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Ducks are deceptive calculating creatures that must not under any circumstances be trusted. Cleverly pretending to be harmless dabbling surface grazers or amusing up-ended bottom feeders, these vicious Anatidae can turn nasty in an instant and lay waste to an entire English village pond.

The accuracy of taxonomy proves beyond any shadow of doubt that ducks are cunning masters of disguise. In order to cause maximum disruption, they take on the appearance of geese to frighten children and even impersonate English swans in the hope of poisoning Her Majesty the Queen at a private banquet. Fortunately, experts with years of dedicated training and vigilance can identify this extremist threat due to ducks being marginally smaller than real English swans and by displaying a completely different coloured plumage.

These usurpers intent on eroding our British values describe themselves using a variety of names. To avoid detection, when gathered together in a group on dry land, they style themselves as a “badling”. In flight they prefer to be known as a “skein” and when occupying an area of open water they adopt a much more sinister collective noun. When floating, they are known as a “bunch”. More worryingly, many ducks indulge in the selfish and reckless habit of deliberate migration.

These wily water fowl have become so adept at deception that some of them are able to take on human form and have even managed to acquire some rudimentary language skills. At this point of transformation, the collective nouns for ducks are subtly altered. A “badling” refers to a group aggressively standing around in squalor at Calais. A “skein” is when they take flight from bombing, starvation as a weapon of war and summary execution at the hands of oppressive dictatorships and barbaric insurgents. A “bunch” is when they swarm in boats having deliberately forgotten how to swim.

The behaviour exhibited by these semi-aquatic vagrants is utterly abhorrent. Some callous parents have been observed abandoning a duckling in the hope that the unaccompanied orphan will be taken in by an innocent family of coots. In an exploitative abuse of charitable compassion, the so-called orphan eats the hosts out of house, home and nest and then installs the absent parents to enjoy a something-for-nothing life of luxury.

The metamorphosis is completed when the invaders demand unemployment benefits and simultaneously steal jobs from hard-working indigenous moorhens. At this point, the descriptors applied to this vile species change yet again. An “economic migrant” is the term used for a thief; “asylum seeker” refers to the perpetrator of any criminal act and “refugee” only applies to a small, drowned child face down on a beach within 50m of a photographer. Mercifully, the term “refugee” has become an archaic description having fallen out of common usage now that razor wire fences have been completed to encourage the migrating swarm to die quietly somewhere else.

Unless they are called Donald or Daffy Dave, ducks are not to be trusted. But remember that the only good duck is a crispy duck lying in a pool of plum sauce with a bunch of spring onions and pancakes on the side. Kung Hei Fat Choi – next year we must beware of monkeys.

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