The Plastic Hippo

March 26, 2016

Wrong, wrong, wrong



If we accept the old Spanish proverb that suggests a wise man is capable of changing his mind but a fool never will, I hereby tender my wisdom credentials by conceding that for a number of years I have been completely wrong about Iain Duncan Smith.

This damascene moment of realisation coincides with other glaring errors now mercifully reversed and corrected. I can only offer heartfelt apologies for years of snide invective, defamation, grubby insults and ignorant left-wing dogma based on the politics of envy. I now understand that a long-term economic plan is only truly long-term if it needs to be extended by five years every two years when every target has been missed and debt, deficit and borrowing has increased. Obviously a nation can only live within its means by awarding tax breaks for the wealthy funded by taking 30 quid a week away from the dying and people with profound disability. I was wrong to describe George Osborne as a crooked duplicitous liar. I now realise that George Osborne is too incompetent to be a crook, too dependent on lines of white powder for duplicity and too stupid to be a successful liar. He actually believes that the harm he is causing is necessary and that whatever comes out of his mouth is true and, more worryingly, whatever he is shoving up his hooter is good for the economy.

I fear that I have also been wrong about David Cameron. Far from being a privileged, shallow snake-oil salesman with inherited wealth and influence he is, in fact, quite a shrewd operator and, rather like a cockroach, is one of the few species likely to survive nuclear annihilation. Any son who would make his mother redundant and any father that would use his dead son`s disability to score cheap political points must be something of a class act and in the mean streets of Eton, something of a survivor.

I was also wrong about the Labour Party. Having lost a general election by pretending to be all nice and friendly and harmless, a return to something approaching socialism was inevitable in the face of such rejection. Now, with factions within Labour fighting like drunks outside a pub at closing time, Cameron and his ilk are being allowed to dismantle the state, reduce democracy and transform the right to an education, health provision and social care into businesses purely to generate profit for a few Tory donors. Instead of randomly swearing at each other and throwing punches destined never to land, it would be nice if more opposition MPs behaved like opposition MPs. Pretty please with sugar on it.

Furthermore, I now firmly believe that every word reported in the Murdoch media is God`s honest truth. I believe that Priti Patel has a towering intellect and I believe that Michael Gove should be the next James Bond. It is patently obvious that Nicky Morgan has been on the receiving end of a rudimentary education and it is an absolute certainty that Jeremy Hunt knows more about medicine and health care than the pitiful total accumulated by every doctor since the birth of Hippocrates. I now understand that democracy is vital in Syria but not in Saudi Arabia and that finding bits of British weaponry in bits of kids in Yemen is nothing to be concerned about. How stupid I was not to understand that only by leaving the EU and closing our borders with razor wire can we possibly hope to escape being blown to bits by evil terrorists born and raised in Yorkshire and the West Midlands.

At this point, we should return to Mr Duncan Smith and his own damascene moment of divine realisation. Ironically, Saul of Tarsus saw the light on the road to Damascus when en route to persecute some early Christians. After being blind for a bit he became that nice Saint Paul. You can look all this up at the start of Chapter 9 in the Book of Acts in something called the Bible. Duncan Smith of Chingford, a practicing Christian, has been persecuting the vulnerable for years but after seeing some people, including Christians, attempting to escape along the road away from Damascus, he saw the light and described his own “welfare reforms” as unfair and then resigned.

Saint Iain will be remembered forever as the bloke who sanctioned the dying and summoned the dead for interrogation. Shame he didn`t turn his hatred on George Osborne who refused to appear in the commons to answer for this latest omni-shambles budget. Saint Iain, you may remember, engineered the persecution of the poor and the sick and waved his fists in delight when his final solution was announced in the commons.

God forgave Paul of Tarsus and restored his sight. Saint Iain, a practicing Christian, remains blind to the damage he continues to cause and God, unfortunately, is unavailable for comment. I humbly apologise again for suggesting that Iain Duncan Smith falsified his qualifications and employment history and expenses claims. He is not an unpleasant man. He is not a charlatan and any inferred criticism was made in error. I have changed my mind…I was wrong.

Iain Duncan Smith is a self-interested murderous psychopath and if God exists He will ensure that the evil bastard burns in Hell for eternity.

1 Comment »

  1. As there has been no post for a month, should I assume that there will be no more blisteringly brilliant analyses and exposures of hypocrisy and cant such as this?

    Say it aint so, Joe

    Comment by The Realist — April 28, 2016 @ 10:52 am | Reply

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