The Plastic Hippo

May 22, 2016


Duel between Onegin and Lenski - Ilya Repin 1899

Duel between Onegin and Lenski – Ilya Repin 1899

In these enlightened times of character assassination by sound bite, gossip and actual defamation, it is interesting to look back at a more chivalrous age when aristocratic politicians desperate to wield power would demand satisfaction from opponents by taking up rapiers or by the challenge of pistols at dawn. The noble heritage of snotty-nosed inbred yet wealthy imbeciles nominating themselves for the Darwin Awards in the name of saving face or some misplaced notion of self-importance is an honour code that deserves revival given the arrant nonsense, cant, garbage, perfidy and unmitigated testicles currently being spouted by snotty-nosed inbred yet wealthy imbeciles on both sides of the European argument.

If duelling was good enough for the 2nd Lord Kinloss and the 4th Earl of Dorset, the 2nd Duke of Buckingham and the 11th Earl of Shrewsbury, the 4th Baron Mohun and the 4th Duke of Hamilton, the Earl of Bath and the 2nd Baron Hervey, the 5th Baron Byron, HRH Prince Frederick Duke of York, William Pitt the Younger, the 1st Duke of Buckingham and the 7th Duke of Bedford and the Duke of Wellington, then duelling is good enough for the illegitimate descendant of King William IV via the 1st Duke of Fife and then Viscount Norwich and the illegitimate descendant of King George II via Prince Paul of Wurttemberg.

David Cameron and Boris Johnson are eighth cousins and as ordinary men of the people born and raised free from privilege or a divine right to expect power and further wealth, they are perfectly placed to tell the rest of us what is good for us. Unfortunately, the sons of snotty-nosed inbred yet wealthy imbeciles do not fall far from the tree and we now have to endure a long-running feud between two rather strange and very unpleasant caricatures who as little boys were encouraged to believe that they are “the elite” even as they were removed from the family home in order to instil backbone. If your own mother will not allow you house room, you will always find comfort in the lower fourth dormitory even if the comfort is imposed by older abusive snotty-nosed inbred yet wealthy imbeciles.

The referendum on the UK`s membership of the European Union is obviously the most significant ballot in at least a generation but, for Cameron and Johnson, it has nothing to do with sovereignty, security, economics, morality, immigration, the free market or anything else that might be considered important. It is not even about who will be the next leader of the Conservative Party or the absolute nastiness that is currently oozing out of the Tory cess pit. The abject falsehoods, insults and playground name-calling from both sides of the Conservative divide cheapen what should be a serious and measured decision regarding the future of this nation. The arguments to remain or leave have been lost to a dismal grudge between two posh buffoons who had a falling out at Eton when they were sad, frightened and abandoned little boys.

Joseph Conrad was something of an expert on the darkness that inhabits hearts and his short story “A Military Tale” first published in 1908 charts a bitter and long-running feud between two aristocratic cavalry officers that culminates in a futile and rather ridiculous duel. Conrad observed:
“A duel, whether regarded as a ceremony in the cult of honour, or even when reduced in its moral essence to a form of manly sport, demands a perfect singleness of intention, a homicidal austerity of mood.”

Both Boris Johnson and David Cameron display a singleness of intention. Ambition, self-interest, survival and duplicity take precedence to anything remotely resembling the national interest and their homicidal austerity of mood condemns them play duelling banjos rather than cross duelling rapiers.

But here is a suggestion that might allow us to make an informed decision regarding our collective future. David Cameron should have a second deliver his business card to Boris Johnson demanding satisfaction. Boris Johnson`s second should slap David Cameron`s third across the face with a silk glove. Various other seconds, thirds and fourths should talk of female ancestors as pox-ridden whores and male ancestors as slave-owning, tax-dodging bastards.

The two snotty-nosed inbred yet wealthy imbeciles could meet at dawn on Hampstead Heath and raise an antique flintlock in the hope of dispatching each other to the Eton old boys` hedge fund in the sky. Sadly, Cameron and Johnson consider themselves as being more important than the collective good and seem happy to pollute just about everything in order to further their own rather dubious careers. Ancient flintlock pistols are notoriously unreliable and have a tendency to blow up in the face of the shooter so we can only live in hope that this stupidity will end.

Maybe then we could have a serious think about Europe.


  1. This sort of thing doesn’t go on in Venezuela.
    If only we could be like them.

    Comment by Rob — May 22, 2016 @ 12:24 pm | Reply

  2. I am reminded of the duel between the Optimist and the Pessimist in Thomas Manns ‘The Magic Mountain.

    The Optimist, believing that there must be a better way to resolve matters, deliberately aims to miss. The Pessimist, believing that he will inevitably lose, shoots himself.

    Comment by The Realist — May 25, 2016 @ 10:45 am | Reply

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: