The Plastic Hippo

September 9, 2016

Area 50 Article 51



Area 51, as any self-appointed expert on alien life forms will more than happily tell you, is a top secret dark operations base located on a salt flat near Groom Lake in Nevada some 83 miles north-northwest of Las Vegas. The dead and injured victims of crashed space craft are taken there for either autopsy or examination. Some experts go so far as to suggest that surviving extraterrestrial beings are actually sharing their knowledge of advanced technology and are even now colluding with earthly governments in secret research. Obviously the presence of non-earthlings would create panic and be very bad for business for world religion so it makes perfect sense to keep such creatures locked up and safely out of sight.

Such is the cunning logic applied to close encounters with those not of this planet, Area 50 is not actually next door to Area 51 but is, in fact, a rather grand country mansion just off the B2211 near Sevenoaks in Kent. Having suffered an inevitable decay in orbit and crashing horribly to the surface, dead and injured Conservative politicians are beamed to Chevening to keep them safely out of sight. Just as the authorities continue to claim that Area 51 is an innocent WMD test range devoted to developing new ways of killing people and has nothing to do with live and kicking bug-eyed monsters, so Area 50 is portrayed as the grace-and-favour country retreat of the latest UK Foreign Secretary, a certain Boris Johnson.

Our new Prime Minister, the increasingly erratic Theresa May, might not be the sharpest stiletto in the shoe rack but she can be ruthless with political opponents when given half a chance. With any semblance of party political opposition currently unavailable due to terminal stupidity, Mrs May has devoted her limited acumen and expertise to ambition and has successfully manoeuvred her rivals through the air-lock and into Area Chevening.

Appointing Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary might be very, very clever but having Michael Gove destroy the buffoon`s leadership fetish was the work of genius. Keeping Johnson in his place by announcing a house share with the crooked Liam Fox and the vacuous David Davis is worthy of Machiavelli as May serenely walks on the hands and feet of this trio of serial failures now tasked with securing Britain`s exit from the European Union. Mrs May, after all, campaigned to remain in the EU and will be happy to see the endless leaving negotiations become increasingly endless. Sadly, May is not that bright and merely parroting that “Brexit means Brexit” over and over again suggests that even a Grammar School girl from Oxfordshire might not yet have a full mastery of the English language or, indeed, of English grammar.

After the failure of the Academies programme and the belated realisation that Free Schools are nothing more than a money making scam, perhaps this is not the best time to champion Grammar Schools. Area 50 might be big but it is nowhere near big enough to contain the legions of fans who think HG and Orson Wells were producing documentaries. But still, the new Prime Minister has managed to disappear the appalling Michael Gove and the psychotic Iain Duncan Smith to the basement laboratories of Area 50 which, by any measure of progress, must be a very good thing.

Amusingly, however, the noble trio negotiating the final, circular countdown are being slowly re-introduced into the wild. Boris Johnson appeared at some photo shoot to promote a peace plan for Syria. Let us consider that for a moment. Have you thought about this? Boris Johnson? Peace? Syria? When a murderous bastard like Bashar al Assad says that Boris Johnson has lost touch with reality then all our onboard sensors indicate that we are heading into a black hole at warp factor seven. Interestingly, Boris Johnson (and others) claimed that leaving the EU would return £350million per week to fund the NHS. The referendum result said leave – the referendum was 11 weeks ago – Boris Johnson is Foreign Secretary and the UK is still in the EU – Boris Johnson owes the NHS £3850million.

David Davis (who?) stood for two hours in the House of Commons and said precisely nothing about the UK`s exit from the European Union and Liam Fox has been spotted at Area 50 measuring up for carpets and curtains in an adjoining room allocated for his friend Adam Werritty. It is blindingly obvious that “Brexit” is not an actual word but is not even an aspiration.

Ask any self-appointed expert on national sovereignty to define Article 51 and they will tell you with absolute certainty that it is the article that follows Article 50. Ask any self-appointed economists about Article 50 and they will either raise their eyes to the heavens of bow their heads in disbelief. Some, of a more religious bent, might make the sign of the cross or might ceremoniously beat themselves over the head with a copy of Adam Smith`s Wealth of Nations.

We are about to boldly disappear where no one has boldly disappeared before.

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