The truth is out there

We all love a good conspiracy theory no matter how far-fetched or unlikely the juicy confection might be; so when the reputation and character of the Democrat US presidential candidate offers a buy one get one free deal on the legality of Hillary Clinton`s emails, we should form an orderly queue at the checkout. According to her rival, Hillary Clinton is the “biggest liar who ever lived” and the latest announcement from the Federal Bureau of Investigation that it has unearthed further emails not sent by or received by the former US Secretary of State, is “bigger than Watergate”. With less than two weeks to go before America elects a new President, a new Congress and a new House of Representatives, the timing and tenor of the FBI announcement is, to say the very least, interesting.

The Feds are above petty politics and like MI5 in the United Kingdom, would never engage in practices intended to influence of undermine the democratic process. Founded in 1896 as the National Bureau of Criminal Identification, the assassination of President William McKinley five years later by an anarchist led to the policy of identifying political extremists. In 1924, J. Edgar Hoover became director and in 1935 the agency changed its name to the FBI. Wire tapping, covert surveillance and extra-judicial execution halted many a gangster, bootlegger and drug dealer. In later years, the FBI was integral to the McCarthy witch-hunts and the targeting of civil rights campaigners. Hoover, in a statement strangely reminiscent of Donald Trump`s description of Hillary Clinton, described Dr Martin Luther King Junior as a “notorious liar”. Conspiracy theorists love to talk about the political assassinations that took place during the 1960s and Donald Trump loves to talk about what the National Rifle Association might like to do to Hillary Clinton.

Advertisement

Happy days are here again

Speaking as the manufacturer of bespoke Halloween costumes and other specialist items of leisure wear for the discerning lady and gentleman, if it`s good enough for Nissan then it`s good enough for me.

Since the June referendum, when about 36 per cent of the electorate voted overwhelmingly with a huge majority of nearly four per cent to close our borders, renounce the single market, physically assault anyone who looks a bit foreign and not be at all interested in the terms and conditions of leaving the European Union, I have not hesitated to warn the government that any attempt to remove my UK business from the single market and customs union will result in me threatening to re-locate away from the United Kingdom and open premises either in Hamburg`s Reeperbahn or in the De Wallen district of Amsterdam.

Clearance Clarence

When the details of a secret that was never really a secret are revealed to an incredulous public, there are some punters with attention deficit who will be genuinely surprised and others, with something of an alternative agenda, who will feign shock and outrage to further their own political ambition. The two worst-kept Westminster secrets latterly revealed occurred on one mercifully slow news day. Firstly, Heathrow is to have a new runway and, secondly, the current Transport Secretary Chris Grayling has finally exposed himself as being a totally irredeemable half-wit. Who on Earth spotted that one coming?

A letter from the jungle

Just outside Dover – 24th October 2018

Dear Mum,

Just a quick note to let you and Dad know that I am fine and that you should not worry about what you saw on the news last night because I kept well away from the trouble and although a few bullets did come through my tent, they missed me. Sadly, the tent got destroyed when the eviction squads set fire to the camp this morning.

The soldiers came back a dawn and handed out leaflets giving us our instructions. We have to report to a shower block just outside the camp. After they have hosed us down we will be transferred by lorry to “re-settlement areas” where dental tests will be taken to find out which of us still support the European Union. Patriotic English citizens will be put to work building Britain`s infrastructure on a zero hour basis and Irish, Welsh and Scottish welfare tourists will be deported to the Isle of Man. Those still supporting the EU will be sent to “re-education centres” for lessons in patriotism, loyalty, gratitude and servitude. Don`t worry, that`s not going to happen to me. If only I hadn`t written that stupid blog criticising the government.

Treason

At first glance, the story of an obscure Tory councillor creating an online petition demanding that anyone who still supports membership of the European Union be charged with treason smacks of a crude attempt at humour and is obviously a very weak joke. A second glance would confirm the hoax as the petition is in the name of a councillor Christian Holliday who represents the Burpham ward in the delightful town of Guildford. If a councillor Cruella de Winterval representing nearby Effingham had demanded the re-introduction of thumbscrews and the rack into the criminal justice system, the joke would not have been more obvious. However, a third glance reveals the treason petition story to be true and a bizarre invention called Christian Holliday actually exists and wishes to “amend the Treason Felony Act to make supporting UK membership of the EU a crime.”

It seems that the petition has been taken down and a Guildford councillor has been suspended by the local Tory party. No doubt the councillor will complain of censorship, an attack on free speech and a liberal elite conspiring to bring about the end of democracy but will then slide deservedly back into obscurity where he will not cause too much damage. That a councillor, let alone a Tory councillor, should prove to be a complete and utter idiot is not unexpected news but, as a symptom of the collective emotional breakdown currently debilitating the nation, the thought that this kind of nonsense could ever be considered as even remotely appropriate is much more troublesome.