The Plastic Hippo

October 6, 2016

Lady Marmalade



Following the marvellous Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham, it has never been more obvious to any member of the voting public blessed with the ability to clutch a pencil and mark a cross, that Theresa May is the best Prime Minister that this nation has ever seen. We know this to be fact because her press secretary said so and it is her destiny to remain as Prime Minister for a glorious reign of at least a thousand years. We know this to be fact because of the number of votes she gained during the leadership election, the number of young people removed from the electoral role and with a spectacular piece of gerrymandering not seen since Gerry first Mandered, the redefining of constituency boundaries.

Even before the latest product of the Nightmare on Broad Street franchise hit the screens of Birmingham and beyond, the occasional confusion grenade was lobbed at a gullible public in order to distract from the main feature. The return of the grammar school was waved in front of Downing Street cameras as a diversion from the clueless attempts at an early withdrawal from Europe. “Oh you naughty boys,” giggled a coquettish government, “you have discovered my little secret.”

Later, to indicate just how compassionate Tories are, some government gigolo announced the cessation of hounding the dying to the grave or, to give this barbarism its official title, the Work Capability Assessment or, as history will remember it, Iain Duncan Smith`s experiments with eugenics and enforced euthanasia. It is interesting that a week earlier the Labour Party said it would end this affront to human decency. Remarkably, 16 years into the 21st century, some parts of society are angry because other parts of society might be allowed to exist due to support from the state. That anger within the soul of the Conservative Party means that the dying, sick and poor will continue to be persecuted regardless of the weasel words of some pimp in a suit.

At the red carpet premier of the Theresa May Story, our new Prime Minister was keen to get all that awkward Europe stuff out of the way on the first day. She set a timetable for the signing of Article 50 causing the pound to crash to its lowest level against the dollar in more than 30 years. Mercifully, a weak pound sent shares in multinationals through the roof and wildly increased the profits of hedge funds, merchant banks and other valued city interests who remain unregulated despite years and years of historic guilt. Some economists are predicting that the pound will be worth the same as the Euro before Britain jumps off the cliff and heaven knows what will happen to sterling after that. Thank goodness Gordon Brown kept the UK out of the single currency. For good measure, the Prime Minister talked of securing our borders against foreigners and never again shall Britons be ruled by European law. She also fired a shot across the bows of “divisive nationalists” wishing to break up the Union. Can anyone sense a piece of hypocrisy the size of a massive iceberg called nationalism as we steam relentlessly at full speed through the darkness?

She announced the Great Repeal Bill which will enshrine all EU law into new UK law and then pick off the laws the Tories don`t like. For a Prime Minister with a limited grasp on reality and a total stranger to the workings of the law, this might be slightly more problematic than failing to deport dodgy preachers. The task of completely overhauling the entire legal system is so vast that parliament will not have time to do it. So, our laws will be repealed by the executive order of an individual cabinet minister. You can bet your life that the first protections to disappear will be human and trade union rights. It`s called democracy, and we are waving it goodbye.

Theresa May might be the star of the show but we were treated to a variety of speciality acts determined to steal the limelight. Philip Hammond, a chancellor with all the charisma of road kill, calmly announced without any sense of shame that deficit reduction was no longer a government priority and borrowing money was no longer a perverse Marxist plot to end civilisation. This, however, does not mean that austerity and George Osborne should be judged as complete failures because austerity is guaranteed to remain. The borrowing will not be for investment, but to pay the tariffs on trade with Europe once all the bridges and boats have been burned.

Michael Fallon has promised to remove bits of the Human Rights Act so “left-wing” lawyers will no longer bring vexatious cases of human rights abuse and Jeremy Hunt said that one 1,500 new “home grown” doctors have been trained, doctors originating from overseas doctors will have their contracts terminated. Amber Rudd, who sounds more like a craft beer than a Home Secretary, wants businesses and schools, colleges and universities to draw up lists of foreigners either working or studying in the UK. Clearly, News International, the Bank of England and Conservative Central Office will not be required to issues yellow star badges to their overseas workers. “Mein Kampf” is not a Bavarian lager.

For sheer surreal oddness, we were treated to the crazy world of Andrea Leadsom. Briefly shaking free from the chains of obscurity, Leadsom was the red herring in the leadership contest tactically promoted to spike the guns of Johnson and Gove leaving Saint Theresa to scoop up Cameron`s hollow crown without a shot being fired. As her reward, she was appointed as Environment Secretary. In a truly bizarre speech, she claimed that the UK is selling coffee to Brazil, wine to France, naan bread to India and fresh air to China at £80 a jar. Her suggestion that British young people needing a job should turn to fruit picking explains the re-emergence of grammar schools. The 10 per cent of children selected for a future in merchant backing will be supported by the 90 per cent labouring in the fields. It is scary enough to realise that this half-wit is in charge of the environment but the fact that she was runner-up in the contest for Prime Minister is even more frightening. Just 24 hours after Theresa May promised to listen to the wishes of the people, a fracking license in granted in Lancashire against the wishes of the Parish Council, the County Council and the local people. It called the environment, and we are waving it goodbye.

The funniest moment, however, took the form of a tweet from the Department for International Trade. In perhaps the best example of straw clutching and sticking your fingers in your ears and going “la la la”, those that are taking us out of the single market tweeted: “France needs high quality, innovative jams & marmalades.”

The absolutely marvellous Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham ended with Theresa May`s vision of the future. She successfully claimed the centre ground and firmly placed the Conservative Party as the party of the working class. Sadly, May`s definition of the centre ground is the nasty stain left by an anti-social UKIP mercifully in its death throes and the definition of working class is white, English, earning more than 400 grand a year. It would seem that we are all still in this together. She heroically addressed the inequality and unfairness in society almost as if she had not been Home Secretary for the last six years. Still, all that is just water under the bridge and part of history. Now, she will not be giving a running commentary or blow by blow account of the negotiations that will affect every man, woman and child in Europe because, firstly, we don`t need to know and, secondly, the likes of Johnson, Fox and the other bloke haven`t got a bloody clue what to do.

Given that the entire conference was riddled with toxic xenophobia and casual racism, Theresa May said:
“I want us to be country where it doesn`t matter where you were born, who your parents are, where you went to school, what your accent sounds like, what god you worship, whether you`re a man or a woman, gay or straight, or black or white.”
Perhaps her decision to quote Sam Cooke`s civil rights anthem “A change is going to come” might strike the real working class as being rather distasteful. Maybe she should have listened to the Department for International Trade and Patti La Belle instead. Theresa May said:
“Come with me and we`ll write that brighter future.”
Hey sista, go sista, soul sista, flow sista.
“Come with me and we`ll make that change.”

Giuchie giuchie ya ya dada.
“Come with me as we rise to meet this moment.”
Voulez vous coucher avec moi ce soir.
“Come with me and together let`s sieze the day.”

Creole Lady Marmalade.

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