The Plastic Hippo

October 24, 2016

A letter from the jungle

Just outside Dover - 24th October 2018

Just outside Dover – 24th October 2018

Dear Mum,

Just a quick note to let you and Dad know that I am fine and that you should not worry about what you saw on the news last night because I kept well away from the trouble and although a few bullets did come through my tent, they missed me. Sadly, the tent got destroyed when the eviction squads set fire to the camp this morning.

The soldiers came back a dawn and handed out leaflets giving us our instructions. We have to report to a shower block just outside the camp. After they have hosed us down we will be transferred by lorry to “re-settlement areas” where dental tests will be taken to find out which of us still support the European Union. Patriotic English citizens will be put to work building Britain`s infrastructure on a zero hour basis and Irish, Welsh and Scottish welfare tourists will be deported to the Isle of Man. Those still supporting the EU will be sent to “re-education centres” for lessons in patriotism, loyalty, gratitude and servitude. Don`t worry, that`s not going to happen to me. If only I hadn`t written that stupid blog criticising the government.

I`ve met up with a few lads and we have come up with a plan. We have pooled what is left of our money and tonight we are going over the wire and down the cliffs. One of the blokes knows someone in the Border Agency and he has agreed to sell us a small boat and turn a blind eye when the tide is right. All we have to do is dodge English gunboats and Russian aircraft carriers and we could be safely in France by morning. Even if the boat sinks, we could easily swim the 22 miles.

One of the lads is from Sunderland and worked for Nissan before they left England and moved to France. He wants to make cars again and says he could get me a job over there. Once I claim asylum, I could send for Tracey and the kids. They have brilliant schools in France that teach children to be human beings and not factory fodder taught to hate others. Then, once I am allowed to become a French citizen, you and Dad can join us and you won`t have to live in that freezing house paying bedroom tax. Care for the elderly in France is a government duty and not a way for government to steal pensions and savings.

If that doesn`t work out, one of the other lads is a former steel worker from Port Talbot. He is trying to get to India or China to find work making steel. I might go with him because he says the Indian and Chinese governments look after their workers and give a fair day`s pay for a fair day`s work. Another bloke used to make cluster bombs and anti-personnel landmines for BAE Systems but ended up out of work following the uprising in 2017 that formed the Al Yamamah People`s Republic of Arabia. He wants to get to Iraq or Afghanistan and work as a “private contractor” because according to him, Iraq and Afghanistan are safer places to be than in England.

The rest of the group is a bloke trying to get to Israel to prove once and for all that he is definitely not anti-Semitic. His name is Jeremy and he claims to be the leader of the opposition. Another lad who has been organising football matches in the camp got sacked from his job because he expressed something approaching compassion on social media and in doing so enraged an immigrant newspaper proprietor to the extent that various hostile newspapers bullied him into leaving for a lucrative career in the Far East. The last economic migrant forced to leave the UK is a junior doctor.

Hopefully, by tomorrow we will be in France and if the French government and people allow us sanctuary from an out of control regime, we will find a place of safety. I will write to you again as soon as I find somewhere to stay. I`m sure that if we can just get through the next few years when the regime, like all corrupt regimes, will surely fall, we can return to the UK again and once more be proud of the country of our birth. Until then we remain as forgotten or despised inhabitants desperate to survive rather than citizens of the world empowered by human rights, common decency and, above all, freedom.

Give my love to Aunt Theresa.

Much love,
Your son

1 Comment »

  1. Dear Son

    As Captain Mainwaring famously stated – ‘Don’t panic’.

    I would bet my pension that Nissan will build a plant in France eventually. In 15 years, you wont know the place! I cant see much hope for your mate from the steel industry, but assembly of deadly weapons looks like a good option.

    I am sorry that your medical friend will have to go abroad to find a job, but that’s life. I just hope he finds something better than a rubber dinghy to get himself there.

    In the meantime, its going quite well over here. The Prime Minister has said that everything is tickety- boo, so that’s all right then.

    Must go – the food bank shuts at 1.

    XXX Mom

    Comment by The Realist — October 24, 2016 @ 11:51 am | Reply

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at

%d bloggers like this: