The Plastic Hippo

October 28, 2016

Happy days are here again

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 3:00 am
Tags: , , ,


Speaking as the manufacturer of bespoke Halloween costumes and other specialist items of leisure wear for the discerning lady and gentleman, if it`s good enough for Nissan then it`s good enough for me.

Since the June referendum, when about 36 per cent of the electorate voted overwhelmingly with a huge majority of nearly four per cent to close our borders, renounce the single market, physically assault anyone who looks a bit foreign and not be at all interested in the terms and conditions of leaving the European Union, I have not hesitated to warn the government that any attempt to remove my UK business from the single market and customs union will result in me threatening to re-locate away from the United Kingdom and open premises either in Hamburg`s Reeperbahn or in the De Wallen district of Amsterdam.

Mercifully, the reassurance offered to Nissan to persuade them to continue making motorcars in Sunderland is excellent news and those same reassurances will surely apply to my business and so many other businesses providing quality products in both global and niche markets. About 50 per cent of my market is firmly European and although my specialist harnesses and restraints are widely enjoyed by royalty, my noble Lords both spiritual and temporal and a variety of MPs, Europe provides the best opportunity for expansion. The supply chain of quality leather, buckles, studs and spikes no longer originates from within the UK and overseas suppliers require payment in Euros.

So with the UK economy growing by a massive one half of a per cent as people spend what is left of Sterling before it slips below the value of the fourth and now defunct Zimbabwean dollar, now is the time for the UK government to extend to the rest of industry and commerce what it has extended to Nissan. After all, it would be unthinkable for a British government to offer compensation, or grants or subsidies to a foreign owned massive corporation and not offer the same protection to smaller British companies. The very thought of some secret and preferential deal with a global manufacturer who only a month ago was looking at a future away from the shores of perfidious Albion is as unthinkable as it is extremely likely. We might have nurses being forced into using food banks and sanctioned people with disabilities taking their own lives in response to a vile, vindictive and cruel Department of Work and Pensions but a British government would never, ever ever be slaves to corporate interests as long as we continue with the tried and trusted austerity funding stream for schemes, deals, nods and winks.

It is most heartening to know that the British government is firmly on the side of foreign business as it negotiates an exit from the largest single market. It is, as cabinet ministers are keen to point out at every opportunity, faith in the fiscal management skills of Theresa May`s government that has convinced Nissan to stay and it is obvious that no secret chequebook deal has been struck. The government has shared with Nissan something it is not prepared to share with devolved regional governments, parliament and, more importantly, the electorate. The strategy, it seems, does hinge on a secret deal.

Any time during the next two years, the European Union will telegraph what will be described as “huge concessions” on the free movement of people. These concessions will be insignificant but enough to allow the UK government to announce that the referendum result is now void and that there is no longer any need to trigger Article 50. There was no promise to Nissan of compensation; the promise was, and is, the UK is not leaving the EU.

With the economy growing by half of one per cent, we would be mad to leave. Other items of torture are available.


  1. Under the velvet grip of the Blessed Theresa of the Non-Elected, Lord Hammond of Upper Shit Creek and Javed the Useless, Government transparency has been transformed.

    What was once a mist has now become a pea-souper. This makes it even more difficult to read lips and body language.

    Luckily, instinct allows most human beings to sniff out lies when they hear them.

    Comment by The Realist — October 28, 2016 @ 11:01 am | Reply

  2. See if you can dig out -perhaps through access to a university library – a copy of Garrahan and Stewart’s “The Nissan Enigma”, published in the early nineties (by Sage, IIRC). The Sunderland plant had great amounts of state “help” in terms of infrastructure, etc. when it was first attracted to Sunderland. Complaisant AEU officials also played a part with a single-union sweetheart deal. Second time as farce?

    Comment by Alan — October 29, 2016 @ 10:58 am | Reply

  3. Chains, leather and buckles’? Surely all those are still available locally? Very locally indeed…

    Comment by Tony Martin — October 29, 2016 @ 6:54 pm | Reply

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