The Plastic Hippo

November 15, 2016

Rat in mi kitchen

Filed under: Birmingham,Media,Music,Politics,Rights,Society — theplastichippo @ 4:05 am
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ub40Just when I thought that things could not possibly become any more horrific, problematic or deeply depressing, a rat has apparently taken up residence in the family home. About a week ago, perched upon the downstairs loo I became aware of a scuttling, scratching sound coming from behind the cistern. It was far too early to be the noisy neighbours from next door who tend to do their shouting and screaming after midnight and far too late for the student house on the other side who tend to finish their revels just before dawn. I finished my business and returned with a torch, a screwdriver and a substantial wooden mallet.

For weeks now, the house next door that is occupied by the noisy neighbours has been undergoing “redevelopment” to convert a normal three bedroom family home into six individual “executive style apartments”. The building contractors in their cowboy hats have disturbed a nest of rats quite separate from the slum landlord wishing to make loads of money through housing benefits paid directly from government into his tax avoiding bank account.

Since the initial encounter with the vermin, the children have spotted a rat on top of the fridge and a tail disappearing under the cooker. Droppings have been found on the bread bin and the pumpkin seeds saved from Halloween have been spirited away. Apples have been bitten into and there were claw prints in the left-over lasagne. There are tiny tooth marks in the butter. We have decided to name this most unwelcome house guest Nigel.

There is a spooky resonance with a rodent encounter in a student house some 40 years ago in a freezing northern city. A mouse was spotted in the kitchen which sent the women in the household into paroxysms of terror. In those halcyon days of mid 70s flares, tank tops and very long hair, the men of the household were instructed to find the mouse and then destroy it. By way of explanation, this was a simpler and less gender specific time and we decided to call the mouse Gerald as in “I`ve Got A Bike”.

Late one Saturday night, after playing rugby in the afternoon and drinking to excess in the evening, the warriors returned and with a combination of great white hunter guile, strategy, superhuman courage and drunken brute force, cornered Gerald the mouse next to the back door. Armed only with a frying pan that had not been cleaned for months, I left it to my brother in arms to dispatch Gerald to mouse heaven by dashing out the rodent`s brains with a mercifully quick blow from his brown leather clog. At this point, younger readers should know that a brown leather clog was briefly considered the very height of fashion along with loon pants, home-made tie-died shirts and Demis Roussos.

The titanic struggle between a tiny mouse and two huge drunks awakened the household and the women who demanded the demise of Gerald hurried to the site of his execution. Rather than bring their knitting to watch as the blade fell, they cried “no, let Gerald go free”. The mouse was duly presented, alive and kicking, to the front door step of another student house about six doors down from us who were not as nice as we were.

Now, the best part of a lifetime on, we face the challenge of Rat Nigel. It seems we have insurance against such vermin and the man arrived to assess the situation. Both cats have proved to be spectacularly incompetent at catching anything but expensively cured cat illnesses and the massive shame is that the vermin man cannot lay poison because the cats might die. Oh dear me, wouldn`t that be a shame. So traps it is then. Imagine the joy of waking up and finding a dead rat in a spring trap first thing in the morning. Perhaps the rat is not just in the kitchen but might be spreading its relatives throughout the house and beyond.

There`s a rat in the kitchen, what am a gonna do?

There is a rat in 10 Downing Street. There is a rat at the Home Office. There is a rat at the Foreign Office. There are rats at Justice, Health, Education, Defence and Local Government what am a gonna do? There is a rat about to enter the White House.

I`m gonna fix that rat, that`s what I`m gonna do.

1 Comment »

  1. May I be the first to offer some advice?

    Starve the fat cats. You will find an immediate improvement in their rat-catching ability. Check the wiring. If utilities start to malfunction, its likely to be a rat doing a bit of stripping.

    Adjust your household arrangements so that no food items of any kind are stored (thanks to IDS for that one). Call your local Council. The number is likely to ring out until the next super Moon, but it will take your mind off the rats for a while.

    If this fails, try Brexitrumpfarrage. Newly introduced, its effects on rats are largely unknown. But its impact on people is reported to be stunning.

    Taking the piss should be avoided. Rat urine is supposed to be deadly. However, latest studies show that significant numbers of the population carry some sort of immunity.

    Comment by The Realist — November 15, 2016 @ 11:06 am | Reply

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