The Plastic Hippo

November 23, 2016

Our man in Diego Garcia

Filed under: Fiction,Law,Media,Politics,World — theplastichippo @ 2:30 am
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Alice and the Dodo by John Tenniel

Alice and the Dodo by John Tenniel

November 2017 – in a surprise move announced by the Foreign Office, former leader of UKIP and renown international diplomat Sir Nigel Farage, PhD, OBE, VC and bar, has been appointed as the next Commissioner of the British Indian Ocean Territory of the Chagos Archipelago. His previous position as Governor General of the Falkland Islands came to an end after 100 per cent of Falkland islanders voted to make Spanish the official language, rename the islands Las Malvinas, accept Argentine citizenship and pledge alliance to whatever government happens to be meeting in Buenos Aries. Sir Nigel achieved this remarkable feat just six months after arriving in Port Stanley.

Prior to successfully strutting around in a big hat covered in feathers, Lord Farage of Brussels was appointed as UK ambassador to the Cayman Islands by former President Donald Trump but when ex-President Trump was impeached on charges of tax evasion even before his inauguration and his replacement ex-President Pence was declared clinically insane after accusing his pet lizard of being bisexual, the current President Michelle Obama removed man of the people Farage from the tax haven and Brussels and removed his fingers from the till.

Sources close to the new Foreign Secretary, Gina Miller, have denied that pressure from the BBC, ITN and Channel 4 to move Farage as far away from their news studios as possible influenced the decision to post him to the Indian Ocean and it is thought that other shortlisted locations including St Helena and the Moon would not necessarily deter the failed people`s champion from shameless attention seeking and a desperate need for lots of money for doing absolutely nothing. Ms Miller, who replaced Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary after the snap election was called when it was discovered that the previous government turned out to be a nest of geckos, refused to rule out the possibility of the Chagos Islands being returned to their rightful owners the Barclay brothers of Sark.

In an ironic turn of events, the few remaining members of King Nigel`s former party migrated from England to Mauritius ostensibly to escape from persecution or, in terms of the actual law, charges of fraud, corruption and racism. Sadly, their attempts to re-introduce the Dodo led to infighting and some seriously vicious pecking. It would appear that unless common sense prevails, the last two breeding UKIP pairs are facing the possibility of extinction which would once and for all – or possibly seventh – tragically end Nigel`s hope of ever becoming emperor of South Thanet or even the possibility of a rendezvous with Janet or Tina in the back of a Cortina.

Through the looking glass

Through the looking glass

Ever the pragmatist, the man who broke the mould of British politics by making everybody hate each other might decide to turn his gaze across la Manche after being rebuffed by shouting across the Atlantic. He might return to his economic migrant Huguenot roots and beg Marine Le Penn for a job – cleaning ashtrays, washing up, drinking her bath water, that sort of thing. As we approach Christmas 2017 with former President Trump safely housed at the Rikers Island correctional facility on the East River between Queens and the Bronx and Theresa May receiving therapy and mentoring at HMP Holloway, we can gather around the Christmas tree and tell our children how we defeated fascism, reversed man-made global climate change, ended the slaughter of innocent civilians on the orders of elected and unelected tyrants and voted lots of times to keep people on a celebrity TV talent contest.

Like Halloween, Black Friday is now a national holiday. It makes you proud to be British.

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