The Plastic Hippo

November 25, 2016

Pride, prejudice and more prejudice

Philip Hammond

Philip Hammond

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that an MP in possession of a cabinet portfolio, must be in want of the ability to say anything even remotely resembling the truth.

As a first foray into the world of economics, Philip Hammond`s autumn statement did not disappoint connoisseurs of massive fibs. Sadly lacking the charisma and idiocy of his predecessor, the new chancellor even attempted to tell jokes in between the lies. He started by describing a robust, resilient and secure economy based on a wise conservative fiscal strategy. It is not quite clear if he stated this as a joke or a lie but he went on to say that the promise to reduce the deficit has been abandoned and the government will be borrowing another £122 billion.

Interestingly, when a Labour government borrows or prints money, it is a reckless extravagance that will leave future generations in a hopeless spiral of debt, deficit and disaster but when a Conservative government borrows or prints money it is a prudent investment for future prosperity. It is blindingly obvious that a wrecked economy is about to fail again and the £122 billion is earmarked to pay bribes to firms like Nissan and to offset the fiscal suicide of leaving the single European market. Sniffing a hot deal, Jaguar Land Rover has piped up demanding a bribe of its own and it is only a matter of time before Poundland threatens to rebrand as Euroland unless it receives a bung from the government as well. Hammond and May are obviously out their depth when not accompanied by arch-bully Jeremy Clarkson.

Perhaps the oddest announcement from Chancellor Hammond was a gift from the tax payer of 7.6 million quid to an obscure but very large stately home situated in what was once the South Yorkshire coal field. Wentworth Woodhouse near Rotherham is huge and was the home of Thomas Wentworth, the first Earl of Strafford and advisor to Charles I who ended up, like the former King, having his head chopped off. It was also home to Charles Watson-Wentworth, a mediocre Prime Minister. Wentworth Woodhouse is believed to be the largest privately owned house in the United Kingdom and according to Philip Hammond, is one of the nation`s most important historic houses.

After committing £369 million to tart up Buckingham Palace, seven and half mil is peanuts in terms of rectifying an “act of cultural barbarity” carried out in 1948 by a Labour government who allowed open cast coal mining on rich people`s land. The family fortune gained from extracting coal from underneath poor people`s houses was not enough to maintain this massive symbol of wealth, power and dubious taste. Imagine a Uranium mine being dug below a Trump tower.

To justify the further funding of doing up a stately home, Hammond claimed that Wentworth Woodhouse was the inspiration for Pemberley in Jane Austen`s Pride and Prejudice. According to the Jane Austen Society, a group that no sane individual would even consider messing with, Austen never visited anywhere near Rotherham and the true inspiration was Chatsworth some 30 miles away.

Mr Darcy might be able to emerge from the lake looking good but Mr Hammond`s lies make him look wet, stupid and riddled with prejudice.

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