The Plastic Hippo

December 8, 2016

Splat the rat

Filed under: Health,Media,Politics,Rights — theplastichippo @ 2:30 am
Tags: , , , ,
Hear no evil

Hear no evil

It is with considerable joy and with a palpable sense of relief that the timely demise of Nigel the Rat can be announced to an indifferent public. Regular readers of this blog may remember the sorry tale of the uninvited pest invading the sumptuous kitchens of the hippo estate not yet four short weeks ago. Having established an excellent working relationship with the vermin extermination operative now known to the family as “Ron the Rat Man”, Nigel has scuttled his last and all the open bread bins in the world will not bring him back. He shall never again feast at my fruit bowl or drink at my sink or leave his droppings on top of my fridge; so he`ll go no more a burrowing so late into the night.

In the first week, Ron the Rat Man laid some fearsome looking traps that seemed to come from some steam punk gothic novel. Baited with peanut butter which, it seems, rats cannot resist, Ron was confident of a quick kill. He returned after a week to find the traps un-sprung and the peanut butter stolen away and Nigel still at large. Replacing the failed traps with devices that could ensnare an angry polar bear desperate for industrial quantities of peanut butter, Ron departed confident that his efforts would sort out the bugger once and for all.

Another week went by with both cats proving to be useless at anything other than sleeping and eating. The peanut butter had again been purloined without any obvious fatalities and it became evident that a battle of wills was raging between Ron and Nigel. Poison was now the answer and Ron placed small doses of deadly but tasty powder behind the cooker, washing machine and fridge – all known haunts of Nigel – with the assurance that the cats would not be harmed.

Ron explained that the poison was slow acting and being something of an expert on rat psychology, told us that Nigel would definitely eat the poison and feeling unwell would return to the safety of his nest and be dead within the hour. The problem would be the location of the nest. If he died in the house there would be a terrible stink hence the phrase “to smell a rat”. We could only hope that Nigel was a garden dwelling rat. Another week went by and Ron returned. After pulling out the kitchen white goods, allowing Mrs hippo to do much needed cleaning, he confirmed that all three poison sites had received attention and he was 99 per cent certain that Nigel had shuffled off his mortal coil. As a bonus, we could not smell a rat.

It is possible to feel some sympathy for Nigel. He was brave, cunning, tenacious and adept at manipulating intellects of varying quality. But vermin is vermin and we should be glad that he is dead.

However, it won`t stop the BBC giving him unparalleled exposure on Question Time.


  1. Hippo: What do you make of the suggestion that one of the QT audience hustlers is Britain First or some such glee club?

    Comment by Suzanne MacLeod — December 8, 2016 @ 11:16 am | Reply

    • Audience rigging comes as no surprise given that the BBC are worried about charter renewal and the chairman of QT is a former member of the Bullingdon Club.

      It`s also nothing new. A few years ago when Radio 4`s Any Questions came to Walsall, I was outside the venue having a smoke before going in when a minibus turned up emblazoned with the name of a minor public school based some 30 miles from Walsall. Out jumped about 10 young men, probably sixth formers, smartly dressed in collars and ties (one actually sported a cravat). They sat with some tattooed skinheads squeezed into some ill-fitting suits and cheered and clapped every time the Kipper on the panel shouted something stupid.

      I wonder if the chair of QT and the chair of AQ are in some way related.

      Comment by theplastichippo — December 8, 2016 @ 4:57 pm | Reply

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