The Plastic Hippo

February 19, 2017

Fake news

Dateline: Saturday 18th August 2017
Newly elected British Prime Minister Keir Starmer has caused further controversy just two days into office by signing a series of executive orders distancing the United Kingdom from formal agreements made by his predecessor with the government of the United States of America.

Mr Starmer`s meteoric ascendance to power is widely seen as a result of the Spring resignation of Jeremy Corbyn as Leader of the Labour Party and Leader of the Opposition. A humiliated Corbyn stepped down after two “page three girls” attempted to rub his face with lace handkerchiefs impregnated with an illegal high at a check-in desk at Luton Airport. A visibly annoyed Corbyn is reported to have said; “Sod this for a game of soldiers, I`m going back to real life.”

Following a brief leadership contest between Starmer, a small lump of Blu-Tack and a resurgent Tony Blair, the former Director of Public Prosecutions and Head of the Crown Prosecution Service became leader after Blair was sent to trial on charges of war crimes and the small lump of Blu-Tack found gainful employment holding up a sign saying “Closed until further notice” on the front door of the Department of Health. With no other suitable candidates, Starmer was elected with an overwhelming majority of 52 per cent based solely on the fact that no other posh Labour Party member has a first name that sounds so incredibly left-wing. Languishing in seventh place in the opinion polls, pundits from across the political spectrum were predicting the annihilation of the Labour Party until the extraordinary state visit to the UK by President Donald Trump in June 2017.

The state visit did not get off to a good start even though it had been arranged to coincide with a parliamentary recess to avoid Mr Trump access to the Houses of Parliament. Sadly, Airforce One was scheduled into Heathrow during Eid-al-Fitr and Russian intelligence had informed the Trump administration that as Hounslow was full of mosques, curry houses, and Muslims, it would be unsafe to travel within the M25. With a Muslim mayor, President Trump`s previous assertion that London boroughs were “no-go” areas for Christians turned out to be entirely correct and the presidential entourage diverted instead to Inverness to be near a Trump golf resort. Sadly, the airport at Inverness was too small to accommodate Airforce One so Trump landed in Glasgow instead which forced Her Majesty the Queen to abandon plans to entertain at Buckingham Palace and head off for Balmoral on the Royal Train.

The first meeting between the two heads of state did not go well. Trump presented the Queen with a gift of panty liners and colostomy bags designed exclusively for his daughter`s fashion brand. The president then asked if “that hot Diana” was in attendance and also asked after the daughter`s of his old friend Prince Andrew. Mr Trump presented Prince Philip with an automatic sub-machine gun and Prince Charles with a case of Viagra. Sources close to the Queen described the visit as “tense”. The following morning, the state visit was dramatically curtailed with Donald Trump returning to the United States claiming that he needed to solve a national crisis involving something Saturday Night Live had said about him. Unconfirmed reports suggest that the Trump luggage was placed at the gates of Balmoral by the Queen`s staff along with a laundry bill for the cleaning of bed sheets.

At this point, the then Prime Minister Theresa May, along with her entire cabinet, were arrested, charged with treason and incarcerated in the Tower of London on the direct orders of Her Majesty the Queen who also suspended parliament and re-introduced the death penalty by beheading. Fortunately, more moderate courtiers prevailed upon her gracious majesty and the monarch settled on life imprisonment with only occasional torture. After 24 hours, the Queen became bored of having to read endless documents regarding European suicide, straight bananas and health workers coming over here and saving our lives and decided to re-instate parliament, abolish the monarchy, spend the kids` inheritance by selling her property portfolio to some very nice Russian oligarch gentlemen and retire to a humble mansion on Mustique. As she departed, Her Majesty offered these final words regarding her government: “We simply switched the bally thing orf for a while and then switched it orn again. None of my subjects will notice.”

With the Tory Party hanging by their wrists in a dungeon, Keir Starmer won a landslide victory in the snap General Election in August. His first act was to pardon the Tory conspirators and allow them to earn an honest living as care assistants, train drivers, steel workers, nurses, teachers and many other professions that realise that a contribution to society is not limited to a national insurance deduction from a salary and is definitely not about expenses claims or tax avoidance.

The new Prime Minister has stated that he expects to see an early withdrawal from the global coalition formed between Theresa May, Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Rupert Murdoch to make sure that false news is never again allowed to suggest that the electorate will believe any old nonsense as long as it is served up by a failed Cruella de Vil impersonator, a president with all the substance of a cheesy whotsit, a gangster and an aged scrotum.

In other news; Labour is eating itself as the nation suffers.

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