The Plastic Hippo

February 27, 2017


Imagine that after defying all the odds and confounding both critics and supporters alike, you wake up to find that you have guided Leicester City to unexpected and ultimate success as Champions of the Premier League. Alternatively, imagine looking in the mirror and discovering that you are a Thai billionaire duty-free shop magnate with an interest in football that only extends to the amount of personal wealth that can be made. Just nine months after an astonishing sporting achievement, the loyalty of fans toward Claudio Ranieri seems undiminished unlike the loyalty of a chairman more interested in television revenues than fans and certain mediocre players more interested in the transfer market than loyalty to the manager.

Imagine waking up as “Sir Mo”, the darling of the tabloid press only to go back to bed as plain Mohamed after your coach has come under suspicion of being up to no good.

Spare a thought for Italy`s rugby coach Conor O`Shea who decided to bamboozle the England 15 by not competing at the breakdown or engaging in a ruck and standing in the way of the England line without causing the usual confusion of going offside. With offside rules complicated enough, the cheek of Mr O`Shea makes him Irish again rather than Italian and will probably result in a review of the offside laws in rugby. Eddie Jones, the England coach, even suggested that the Italians were not playing rugby and likened the tactics to Australia`s cricket team against New Zealand in 1981. With New Zealand needing a six to win, Greg Chappell ordered his brother Trevor to bowl the last delivery underarm to prevent any run being scored. Imagine if Mr Jones were not an Australian.

Imagine being Donald Trump or, even worse, Melania. Imagine being Jerry Hall or, even worse, Rupert Murdoch. Imagine waking up to discover that you are Piers Morgan or, even worse, waking up to find that due to the most unlikely and frightening of circumstances you are lying next to Piers Morgan.

Envisage a Labour MP in a formally safe Labour seat who after consistently criticising a twice elected party leader, decides to resign as an MP when he realised that boundary changes would make Stoke Central a three-way marginal. Taking up a job as Director of the Victoria and Albert Museum, Tristram Hunt displayed his loyalty and socialist credentials by crossing an official picket line at the University of London to address students on “Marx, Engels and the Making of Marxism.”

Consider the former Labour MP for Copeland, Jamie Reed. Before parliament beckoned the local Cumbrian man, Reed held the post of Press Officer at the nuclear reprocessing and decommissioning plant at Sellafield within the Copeland constituency also subject to upcoming boundary changes. Once inside the commons, he was elevated to the frontbench as a Shadow Environment Minister and then a Shadow Health Minister. He resigned from the Shadow Cabinet one minute after Corbyn was elected leader of the Labour Party. After hanging around for a while consistently criticising a twice elected leader, Reed displayed his loyalty, environmental credentials and committed to the health of his former constituents by taking a job as Head of Development and Community Relations at Sellafield Ltd. Seems that Jamie was working for the nuclear industry all along.

Imagine being the mother of four and a Conservative candidate in Copeland and not campaigning against the closure of Whitehaven`s maternity unit and imagine being a British Prime Minister refusing to answer questions about said closure. It would seem that moving a maternity unit as far away as possible from a nuclear plant makes absolute sense if you need the necessary and statistical distance.

Imagine being Jeremy Corby. After publicly accepting “some” responsibility for Labour`s catastrophic defeat at Copeland he stubbornly refuses to resign as party leader and continues dodge questions about his responsibility for the crisis, the meltdown, the disaster and the end of the Labour Party forever and ever amen according to the media. This clueless embarrassment to politics has refused to comment on his obvious responsibility for the decline of Leicester City in the premiership or his implicit support of the immigrant Mohamed Farah. Corbyn has yet to call for the immediate employment of Claudio Raniere as the new coach of the Italian rugby team which indicates just how out of touch with newspaper and broadcast news editors he really is.

Imagine if Labour MPs, past and present, and even a few former leaders and Prime Ministers decided to challenge the Tories and the Kippers rather than challenge Corbyn. Just give it try.

If being Jeremy Corbyn is unimaginable, consider being Paul Nuttall. Forget the inherited hatred and hypocrisy that hangs around his neck like a brace of enormous albatross and forget the odd sartorial style that might just one day transform into a uniform. Disregard the blatant lies of Stoke addresses, a PHD, professional football, imaginary quangos; the loss of close friends and ignore the talk of smears and victimhood. Imagine for a moment that Paul Nuttall had been at Hillsborough on that terrible day as a 12 or 13-year-old boy. Imagine the unspeakable horror that he witnessed and imagine the trauma and stress he had to bear as he grew from a boy to a man. Imagine the courage needed to turn down the comprehensive provision of counselling and support for those who experienced the disaster and imagine the quiet dignity of not providing a witness statement until years after the event when the political climate had changed.

On the other hand, imagine the kind of man who, for self promotion, claims that the boy was there even thought the boy was not. Either way, we now need to imagine a political world without the pollution of Paul Nuttall.

1 Comment »

  1. Almost perfect. Except for the mentions of Nuttall and Morgan. They should both be denied any sort of air – even in cyberspace.

    However, they have some things in common The former is a goner and a shit. The latter is a Gooner and an even bigger shit. Likes tics, they live off the poor sods who are sufficiently medicated by large doses of austerity.

    I understand that this is freely available from any Government outlet, but requires a deposit. This can, I am told, be easily obtained from Bank PFI. Reputable hospitals, schools and infrastructure investors will supply references

    Comment by The Realist — February 28, 2017 @ 12:13 pm | Reply

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