The Plastic Hippo

March 1, 2017

From Russia with Love

Filed under: Fiction,History,Media,Politics — theplastichippo @ 5:06 am
Tags: , , , , ,
And the 45th President of the United States of America is...

And the 45th President of the United States of America is…

It is a little known but irrefutable alternative fact that secret medical experiments attempting to reverse death developed during the Cold War in the then Soviet Union are continuing under the democratically elected government of the free, fair and completely trustworthy Russian Federation.

The research into preserving life after death started innocently enough during the civil war that followed the Russian revolution of October 1917. Various attempts to create harmony by re-assembling dead Bolsheviks mixed with dead White Guard counter-revolutionaries ended in failure as did an unsuccessful revival of the Romanov family in the hope of putting them on trial for crimes against humanity. One happy by product of the endeavour resulted in Lenin leaving behind an absolutely magnificent corpse.

Undeterred by these early setbacks, soviet geneticists persevered and by 1934 had managed to “harvest” body parts and tissue samples from a number of American criminals who each gained notoriety as being named as public enemy number one. The plan was to re-animate these gangsters and then re-introduce them into western society to continue robbing banks thus hastening the downfall of capitalism.

By 1960, soviet experiments with making dead people alive began to bear fruit. Just weeks before he was due to address the United Nations General Assembly in New York, Russian premier Nikita Khrushchev died suddenly of morbid obesity and chronic alcoholism. Science, however, made him live again but during the debate, a rogue big toe became separated from his foot prompting the walking, talking cadaver to remove its shoe in an attempt to beat to death the wayward toe before it escaped into the sewer system where it could mutate and pose a threat not only to greater New York but also along the entire Untied States eastern seaboard. It is a little known and irrefutable alternative fact that Khrushchev did not bang his shoe on the table and died of a heart attack in 1971. But none of that is of any relevance.

During the early 1980s soviet expertise at embalming had overtaken the skills needed for resurrection to such an extent that Leonid Brezhnev continued to appear in public some two years after his death supported by two heavily built soldiers in a specially constructed suit. Brezhnev`s successors, Yuri Andropov and Konstantin Chernenko did not require the use of electrodes as both were actually dead long before assuming the role of General Secretary of the Communist Party. On the other hand, both Mikhail Gorbachev and fresh-faced former KGB lieutenant colonel Vladimir Putin mercifully remain in remarkably robust health.

The early experiments in genetics during the 1930s, however, are rumoured to be ongoing and might be having an effect on western society. The body parts collected by former soviet scientists in 1934 alone are thought to include those of notorious hoodlums such as John Dillinger, Baby Face Nelson, Pretty Boy Floyd and, with disturbing topicality, Bonnie Parker and Clyde Barrow.

It is a little known but irrefutable alternative fact that Marine Le Pen of the Front National in France shares 98 per cent of John Dillinger`s DNA and that Geert Wilders, Boris Johnson and Donald Trump all bear an uncanny facial resemblance and the unkempt “mein kampf” hairstyle of Baby Face Nelson. Off less significance is the alternative fact that Nigel Farage in between public school and a career as a city broker once used the stage name “Pretty Boy Nigel” during his brief stretch as a “cabaret artiste” in various clubs in Soho. Sadly, that career was short lived due to discerning clients realising that Nigel was in no way, shape or form actually pretty.

Russia, however, has managed to pull off a soft coup of such audacity that any claims of international interference in elections and referenda or the hacking of cyberspace to further the interests of a global oligarchy of some rather unpleasant gangsters is obviously the product of alternative facts and false news.

Now that Russia is free of communists, it is perfectly fair that responsible businessmen should rule that former Empire and, for good measure, rule the rest of the planet by giving an “opinion” on how the rest of us vote. The recent Brit Awards had various nominations for “Grime Acts” but no Grime Act won. It is surely more than a coincidence that Vladimir Putin has, apparently, never downloaded a single track from Dizzee Rascal, Stormzy or Lethal Bizzle. I am minded to suck my teeth at both the Brit Awards and the former KGB officer currently dictating United States foreign policy. It is obvious that from now on Crufts, the X-Factor, the Ashes, the FA Cup, Wimbledon and the running order of the BBC 10 o`clock news will be decided by a bizarre clone enjoying a remarkable resemblance to Dobbie the House Elf.

Perhaps the greatest achievement of soviet science was to regenerate the remains of Bonnie and Clyde to oversee the latest attempt at robbery. The best movie was obviously a fantasy about Hollywood and not a film about being poor and black and gay in Miami.

Nikita Khrushchev`s toxic big toe did actually manage to escape to the New York City drainage facilities where it prospered on a diet of waste and fear and after evolving into Donald Trump almost successfully mated with a series of abandoned and feral crocodiles. The offspring now rule America.

Unexpectedly, Khrushchev`s other ghastly infected big toe floated across the Atlantic Ocean and evolved into a giant ocean going penis substitute owned by Sir Philip Green.

For the record, wire coat hangers are not always vulgar but a Lear Jet to Nova Scotia almost always is.

1 Comment »

  1. I am surprised that PWC has been found to be incompetent. I am depressed that it took so long.

    I am stunned by their stupidity in posting the wrong package.
    After years of passing brown envelopes, one hope that might have learned something about basic competence and the value of the Post Office

    Comment by The Realist — March 2, 2017 @ 2:13 pm | Reply

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