The Plastic Hippo

March 18, 2017

Standard job description

Filed under: Fiction,Media,Politics — theplastichippo @ 3:00 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

Image via Evening Standard

The owner of London`s biggest and best free sheet, cat litter and fish and chip wrapper is looking to recruit a dynamic yet compliant editor to take the flagship toxic rag forward during the inevitable disintegration of Europe and the rise of a new Russian Empire.

This exciting and demanding position is ideal for a self-starting, self-interested and self-obsessed wealthy white man with nothing very much to do. As an independent, unbiased agent of limited intellect and imagination, you will publish government press releases verbatim both in print and online and give voice to the proprietor and do as you are bloody well told. You will display the ability to invent stories and then defend the inalienable right of free speech by trashing the reputations of anyone who questions the veracity of your content. You will speak for the will of the British people and realise that anyone who disagrees with the owner is either a terrorist or a child molester and probably both. You will understand that the fundamental difference between terrorism and mental health is dependent upon skin tone and that women cannot be trusted.

Key responsibilities

You will set and achieve low standards of accuracy and balance.

You will generate and commission stories and features that reflect the wisdom, kindness and decency of the owner.

You will recruit, train and retain media professionals willing to write any old nonsense for money.

You will have in-depth knowledge and experience of MS Office, InDesign and Photoshop as well as proven expertise in mobile communication intercepts and rummaging in dustbins.

You will bring an extensive network of business contacts, advertisers, foreign governments, tax lawyers, bent coppers and ladies offering special bespoke services.

A proven track record of increasing debt, deficit and borrowing will not be a barrier to employment as long as the candidate can maintain austerity without attracting the attention of a lynch mob.

Key skills

Although literacy and numeracy might be useful at times, the ability to cut and paste editorials from the Economist and the Financial Times would be of a greater advantage.

A loathing of the prospect of Leveson 2 and a complete disregard of media law and ethical guidelines are essential.

An understanding of social media and in particular the capability to tweet insensitive, sexist, racist and homophobic death threats without incurring charges of defamation or the incitement of violence is important.

Experience as a journalist or any qualification in journalism or a previous editorship are not required as the successful candidate will not be required to engage in anything remotely connected to actual journalism.

Terms and conditions

An annual salary of approximately 71million Rubels, give or take a few Kopeks, will be paid into an off-shore account of a wallpaper and fabrics company that has not paid any tax since 2010.

The successful candidate will be able to use a number of dachas in the Sochi area and a luxury super yacht moored off Corfu.

A tax on Cornish Pasties will not be applied.

Based on zero hours, the working day starts at 5-00am just as Annabel`s is closing and ends whenever the House of Commons opens or a speech needs making or some hedge fund needs advice on how to ruin an economy.

The position would be perfect for a functioning user of Class A narcotics given the need to stay awake for long periods of unmitigated tedium and a private health plan and generous pension are part of the remuneration package. Family members, including unborn and illegitimate children also qualify for meaningful employment regardless of the existence of the child or the existence of the job.

References, criminal checks or bankruptcy proceedings are not required.

Closing date for applications

The closing date for this position has now been passed.

1 Comment »

  1. Gissa job. I could do that. Come on Mister, gissa job. I could do that job.

    Yosser Hughes

    Comment by The Realist — March 21, 2017 @ 11:35 am | Reply

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