The Plastic Hippo

March 30, 2017

Free at last

Filed under: Fiction,History,Law,Media,Politics,Rights,Society — theplastichippo @ 2:00 am
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Hard Breakfast

Historians will undoubtedly look back and describe these exciting times that we are privileged to be living through as a glorious English Spring bringing about a bright political, economic and social future. At long last free from the shackles imposed by a faceless Brussels bureaucracy, we can march to the sunlit uplands confident that we are adored by the rest of the world and certain in our knowledge that Johnny Foreigner has at last been put in his place.

Given the dog-whistle ubiquity of social media, the practicality of flags, banners and anthems as muster points in a call to arms or a rallying focus in battle now seems rather quaint. It is now far easier to express steadfast patriotism from the anonymity of a keyboard and the symbolism of a raised standard or regimental colour has been reduced to a hash tag or avatar. A simple flag can represent the unity, strength, purpose and inherent values of an entire population even as an online avatar represents the opinion of an individual prepared to say anything outrageous in order to harvest attention.

Article 50 has been triggered not with a bang but with a whimper. The United Kingdom will no more fly the flag of the European Union and will instead take back control of flag staffs across the nation and once again fly the standard Union Flag that has united our nation since 1801. The blessed cross of St George and the tolerated Saltires of Andrew and Patrick will once again puzzle boy scouts desperate not to send a signal of distress by flying what has been described as the butcher`s apron upside down. With this new dawn of freedom, independence and self-determination, the Welsh dragon, the Irish harp, the red hand of Ulster, the three-legged Manx cat and the French channel tax havens shall have no place on any replacement Jack and Patrick and Andrew might like to sling their respective hooks and get themselves well and truly off “our” flag. At long last, Agios Georgios has woken up and smelled the hummus. We shall be free from foreign influence and will be able to once again rejoice in our Neolithic, Roman, Viking, Saxon, Norman and American heritage.

If a flag symbolises a nation`s values, then a government represents a nation`s morality. In the year of 2017, we in the United Kingdom are lucky enough to have an executive that is blessed with the courage of wise governance. Our wonderful Prime Minister has brilliantly avoided answering any questions with a straight reply as to the future of the nation and will inform us of her plan when her plan has actually been formulated.

She has allowed us to take back control of our borders and take back control of our laws. Thank goodness immigration will now fall to below the 100,000 promised every year for the last seven years when the Prime Minister was Home Secretary. Mrs May has heroically signposted the door to all those scrounging EU brain surgeons, nurses, cancer specialists, engineers, teachers, artists and footballers who come over here to take the benefits of English armed robbers currently supporting the failing Costa del Sol economy. Mercifully, the fruit harvest will not rot on the branch as the absence of Europeans will mean more room for our sun tanned cousins arriving from our former Empire which is exactly what racist Kippers and racist Tories would love to see.

In her magnificent Great Reform Bill, Mrs May will do away with all the so-called laws made in Brussels by unelected MEPs and replace them with English laws that happen to be exactly the same apart from the useless ones banging on about equality, protection for people with disabilities, employment rights, the unfair harassment of slum landlords, tax evasion and anything to do with fat, old male MPs and their contact with children.

Mrs May quite rightly claims that she is creating “a more united nation” as the Scottish government press for another independence referendum and the island of Ireland considers unity if only to remove the woefully unfunny Mrs Brown and her boys from the BBC. Wales, once EU subsidies are removed, will have no choice but to twin with nations of similar sized economies which, in this case, are South Sudan and the Faroe Islands.

The British government should, of course, have instigated an exit from the EU years ago. Imagine how perfect the NHS would be if a Tory government had diverted the £350million away from the EU every week since assuming power in 2010. Now it seems that there will be an exit fee of possibly £50billion or even £60billion just to allow us to have bent bananas, Christmas, Easter and pounds, shillings and pennies again. It is obviously a complete coincidence that the Chancellor`s first budget set aside £50billion or £60billion as “contingency” to off-set leaving the EU. This money was going to be conjured up from an increase in Nation Insurance contributions from the self-employed but common sense prevailed when it was realised that the Chancellor is a blithering idiot. Instead, we will have to endure more unnecessary austerity to pay the exit bill and to bung car manufacturers compensation for inevitable tariffs once we are outside the single market. Health, education and social care will again be cut to the bone until all the limbs fall off.

During the referendum campaign, some things were said with passion rather than logic but what is totally disgraceful is the assertion that those who voted to leave the EU were, in some way too stupid to realise that they were being manipulated by dark and duplicitous political forces. Countless surveys have proved that the British people are the most sentient, cultured and intelligent race on the face of the planet and anyone who disagrees with this fact is stupid and being manipulated by dark and duplicitous political forces.

Believing every word that comes out of Boris Johnson, Michael Gove and Iain Duncan Smith is clearly the sign of a powerful intellect and agreeing with Nigel Farage is the only option for anyone with a modicum of cleverness. Trusting David Davis and Theresa May with negotiations is the action of a true genius who realises that poverty; hunger and ruin are merely symptoms of project fear and a treasonable lack of patriotism.

As for the small group of very stupid people who voted to remain in the EU, they should now be quiet, accept the will of the overwhelming majority and allow our wonderful government to keep us in our place. Our future is being a cut-price tax haven with wholesome allies like Qatar, Saudi Arabia and Kuwait. Donald Trump is our new best friend and Putin is obviously an all round nice guy who has no interest in destabilising Europe. As Friedrich Schiller opines in his Ode to Joy:

“Be embraced, you millions!
This kiss is for the whole world!


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