The Plastic Hippo

April 3, 2017

Rock on


Not since David Cameron infamously misplaced his child following an embarrassing photo opportunity in a pub has a British Prime Minister so spectacularly lost sight of a vulnerable dependent. By forgetting to mention the fate of poor little Gibraltar in her infamous letter-signing photo opportunity and according to some of the more excitable Tories still allowed out in public, Theresa May is prepared to wage war against Spain in order to defend the British Overseas Territory famous for its verminous Barbary macaques, crooked shell companies, tax avoidance and on-line gambling rackets.

This latest nonsense comes from Michael now Lord Howard who is only memorable as a former Leader of the Conservative Party because the rather odd Ann Widdecombe thought there was “something of the night” about this Welsh son of a Romanian migrant. It only took four days of swinging on the curtains, scratching table legs and eating the corner of the carpet in sheer joy before some Tories mistakenly thought the phrase “triggering Article 50” means starting a European war. The absolute idiocy of Michael Howard comparing Mrs May to Mrs Thatcher who sent a task force to protect a small group of British people against another Spanish speaking country sets new standards for future for buffoonery. He missed a trick by not mentioning Good Queen Bess as another resolute woman prepared to start a war against Spanish speaking countries.

Michael Howard is nothing short of an imbecile and a Barbary macaque has a better grasp of history, politics, economics and basic humanity than this attention seeking moron. Spain has never threatened military intervention to force its claim on Gibraltar. Indeed, during the Second World War, the generally accepted nasty piece of work Franco refused access through Spain for Nazi forces to take Gibraltar which was then a vital British naval base. Spain, now that the UK has pulled the trigger and the rest of Europe will take back Gibraltar by economic default. With no task force, no aircraft carriers, no aircraft and no sabres to rattle, the best Michael Howard can hope for is to borrow a few of Donald Trump`s pedalos and buggies from a golf resort on the Costa del Sol. Sitting in his armchair, it is very easy for Lord Howard and his like to fight a shooting war.

Gibraltar is not the only British child at the mercy of Johnny Foreigner; there are the official British Overseas Territories of Akrotiri and Dhekelia. If Cyprus, or possibly Turkey or maybe even Greece wants them back, then we will jolly well fight on the beaches, in the holiday homes, at the hotels and in the traditional English pub tavernas. Mercifully, the Crown dependencies of the Isle of Man and the Bailiwicks of Jersey and Guernsey are safe because they are not part of the UK but are possessions of the Crown and are definitely not in the EU or are even members of the Commonwealth. So if any Viking seeks to retake the Manx Kingdom or the untrustworthy French intend to annex the islands in la Manche, the need to remember that we Brits have nuclear weapons and are not afraid to use them if that is okay with the President of the United States and whatever American corporation has the launch codes.

It seems blindingly obvious that Theresa May will not be declaring war on anyone but there is a worrying realisation that she and the eccentric bunch of fantasists she had surrounded herself with are completely and utterly out their respective depths. Her letter starting divorce proceedings drew a parental sigh of exasperation from Europe, a writ from Scotland, the prospect of a hard border in the island of Ireland and a tiny squeak from baby Gibraltar. Mrs May responded with a thinly veiled threat regarding continued cooperation over organised crime, drug and people trafficking, serious child abuse and terrorism. She and her accomplices are making us a laughing stock and will inevitably lead us to public ruin and them to lucrative obscurity. The entire point of the European Union was to ensure that Europe would never again experience the most violent century in history and remain united against petty nationalism and invented, unnecessary conflict. Our government`s line seems to be that unless you buy our stuff, we will not tell you when your people are in danger.

One has to feel some sympathy for the Chief Minister of Gibraltar, Mr or possibly Seňor Fabian Picardo. Knowing that the place he is Chief Minister of is thought to be the last stronghold of Neanderthals and that the name derives from the Arabic “Jamal Tar” or Mountain of Tariq and given that the Dutch took the place from the Spanish only to give it to the British as part of the 1713 Treaty of Utrecht, he has a whole host of nations to declare war on if he so chooses.

The Treaty of Utrecht came some six years after the 1707 Act of Union between England and Scotland and fortuitously coincident with the expansion of the British Empire east of Suez and south of Gibraltar. The world would wait until 1957 for the Treaty of Rome and until 1973 for the Accession Treaty and then until 1992 for the Maastricht Treaty and then until 2007 until the Treaty of Lisbon. Still the Treaty of Utrecht belongs to those who pretend to hold power and the Lisbon Treaty is now ancient history.

We are being driven down a one way street towards a dead end by coachmen who have never seen a coach, or a street or have the simplest understanding of a dead end. More worryingly, the horses will see the wall head and take an instinctive right turn across the fields, over the rainbow and straight off a cliff. Declaring war on Spain is a particularly daft idea not just because of the cost internment camps in both nations but because, when all said and done and given the calibre of the current government, Spain would probably win.

Legend has it that if the macaques leave Gibraltar then British rule will end. Legend further has it that during the Second World War when the simian population fell to seven, Winston Churchill ordered a military operation to take Barbary macaques from the Atlas Mountains in Morocco and Algeria to re-populate the Rock.

Perhaps Theresa May should conduct an immediate census of all her monkeys.

Hasta luego.

Leave a Comment »

No comments yet.

RSS feed for comments on this post. TrackBack URI

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a free website or blog at

%d bloggers like this: