Taking the Mick

For a government that is seemingly obsessed with legislation, Mrs May`s merry band of jesters are failing to bring into law measures that will protect the British public from the very real and present danger of unimaginable horror. We need as a matter of urgency, comprehensive and robust anti-embarrassment legislation.

Forget about the Great Repeal Bill with its statutory instruments and technical amendments which will allow the government to abolish laws that protect universal human rights and laws that at least attempt to reign in wealthy crooks. These laws will disappear without debate or vote as a barely cogent government seeks to take back control of democracy by becoming completely undemocratic. The 14 per cent of European law that is there to ensure equality, employment rights and a sustainable environment are trivial sideshows made up by Remoaners to divert attention away from their profoundly unpatriotic cowardice. This time last year we were all Leicester City fans but now we cringe at the sight of Leicester`s finest throwing beer bottles at the Madrid constabulary in the belief that this act will protect Gibraltar as encouraged by the embarrassingly dire Murdoch tabloid.

We should concentrate on re-affirming traditional English laws which have managed to survive the meddling of faceless, unelected European bureaucrats. It is mercifully still legal to instantly behead a Scotsman should he be found in procession of a bow and arrow within the city walls of York. It is illegal, however, to carry a plank of wood along the pavement within the jurisdiction of the Metropolitan Police. It is illegal for MPs to wear armour within the House of Commons and it is an offence to found dead within the Palace of Westminster. These laws did nothing to prevent terrorist attacks so, according to one government court jester, centuries of oppressive colonialism and an ancient fundamental schism within Islam is all the fault of Snapchat so we need more legislation to control social media. If fear, panic and dread are the basic elements of terrorism, the press office at Number 10 are doing a grand job.

What we really need is a raft of laws to save us from looking ridiculous. The evidence is clear and incontrovertible and we only need to look to cabinet ministers to see the urgency of fresh legislation. Even if we ignore the physical appearance of the current Foreign Secretary, shouting the word “toxic” or “poison” or “contaminated” in the middle of a rambling incoherent sentence is hardly impressive as foreign policy. Originally planning an away day to Moscow to give Putin a piece of his mind, Boris Johnson was metaphorically dragged kicking and screaming off the aged VC10 at Northolt by men in black suits and sunglasses and diplomatic immunity as the UK is technically US territory. Happy, like his boss Mrs May, to swan around Middle Eastern dictatorships selling armaments, the Johnson spin was at first to refuse to legitimise the status of Putin by refusing to invite himself to the tradesman`s entrance at the Kremlin. Later, the word was that Johnson was needed in Italy for a meeting of G7 foreign ministers. As expected, Boris Johnson cocked the whole thing up yet again resulting in the UK appearing to be a clumsy, pig ignorant, useless oaf. He proposed sanctions against named Russian individuals. Perhaps he intends to cancel their Chelsea Football Club season tickets or charge them to read the London Evening Standard or maybe demand council tax for mansions in Mayfair.

If we had a sensible law that could force people in positions of power and responsibility to act in a way that did not bring this country into disrepute or attract hostile derision or make us appear as a nation of halfwits, then the likes of Boris Johnson will become less of a liability. Watching Boris Johnson is a little bit like watching the Oxford and Cambridge boat race; most of us don`t care about it but we watch and hope to see if there will be a catastrophic capsize. Feeling bullish, Johnson told the media that the evidence for Assad gassing civilians was “overwhelming”. Just 24 hours later, he told the same media that action would follow “if we find evidence” of Assad gassing civilians. A new anti-embarrassment law would place Johnson behind bars as a known suspect of having sympathies with other embarrassers and supporting other unknown persons in preparing for acts of embarrassment and funding embarrassment by sending his nephew a postal order for his birthday.

Johnson is not the only minister guilty of promoting embarrassment, ridicule and derision and a new bill would remove these dangers to society to a secure facility with air conditioning, private swimming pools, en suite luxury cells and round the clock security somewhere in the vicinity of the Cayman Islands.

Embarrassment, of course, is not just a major threat to the United Kingdom. Consider Syria having to endure leadership by a murderous chinless, lisping piece of excrement or Russia, ruled in totality by an elf-like being who likes to be photographed riding horses bareback. On the other side of the mountain we see a Whitehouse press spokesperson barely contained by an ever expanding suit and an ever expanding sense of the utterly ridiculous. Sean Spicer, like Steve Bannon and the CEO of United Airlines might not have the boyish good looks and massive intellect of the President of the United States of America, but they are equally embarrassing in their efforts to make the United States a laughing stock. Like the United States, North Korea is ruled by another petulant child and the two spoilt brats are about to launch their deadly toys at each other in an attempt to display maturity.

Back in the UK; health, education, social care, real employment, housing, infrastructure, any hope of an opposition and the economy are an excruciating embarrassment. Another government jester suggested that new grammar schools will benefit children from “ordinary” poor families. People are being admitted to hospitals to die rather than be cured. People within the Social Care system are being abused. People are being made homeless. Food banks have become acceptable as being a normal rather than an embarrassment or, more accurately, a complete disgrace.

One modern myth that states it is the right of a pregnant women to ask to urinate into a policeman`s helmet. Sadly, this myth is completely erroneous.

It is, however, perfectly legal for governments to embarrass us, place us in danger on a whim and urinate on the lowly citizenry who are expected to pay for the whole thing.

Advertisement