Humpty
The debt of gratitude owed by the entire nation to the current Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson is as incalculable as it is profound. His unique blend of avuncular eccentricity, knockabout buffoonery, deep intellectualism and an uncanny grasp of populist opportunism mark him as not just an accomplished statesman but also as a national treasure. From flattening Chinese children in a game of touch rugby during a good will visit to Hong Kong to dangling on a motionless zip wire Boris, as he likes to be known, is quite willing to make a fool of himself in the national interest or, more accurately, in the interest of Boris Johnson. As London Mayor, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson cemented his reputation as a man of the people by closing down London Fire Stations and buying some second hand water canon presumably to assist unwashed Londoners with personal hygiene issues. As a journalist, he has been found to be with unfortunate regularity something of a fantasist when in come to accuracy, honesty and anything remotely resembling the truth.
He is, however, instantly recognisable which is something important to a career politician devoid of principles and given his somewhat unstable behaviour during the European referendum, it is something of a surprise that the Bullingdon boy should find himself in the Office of Foreign Secretary. Even more surprising is that carbuncular Boris has been spared the fate of George Osborne who, during the general elections of 2010 and 2015, was gagged, tied to a chair with a sack over his head and deposited at the bottom of a disused mineshaft in case he said anything stupid. In sharp contrast, Johnson who was expected to be banished to the purdah inhabited by Lord Lucan, Shergar and the Leveson Inquiry, has actually been allowed to speak in public and, astonishingly, speak irrational nonsense a quantum leap beyond the usual irrational nonsense that issues from his eloquent and well-fed gob.
Deploying Boris Johnson as a spokesperson for the Conservative Party is either a monumental mistake or a monumental act of genius. In the second week of a general election campaign it looks like it is a really smart move. Boris Johnson, not content with merely being cleverer than everyone else, tells readers of the Murdoch tabloid that Jeremy Corbyn is a Mugwump. It is here that our debt of gratitude shall know no bounds. Not content with helping struggling Murdoch tabloid readers with Basic English, Mr Johnson has introduced concepts drawn from the Native American Algonquian language to illustrate that Jeremy Corbyn is not necessarily the devil incarnate. Vulgar Boris, it seems, is not that bright when it comes to historical insults when the intended insult is actually a compliment. Still, readers of the Murdoch tabloid are unlikely to notice and would rather not be bothered with facts or honesty.
Johnson, possibly a cannon that has fallen from a wall during the seize of Cheltenham during the English Civil War, might be more of a riddle than an egg that all the King`s horses and all the King`s men could not find in the IKEA catalogue. Like Humpty Dumpty in Through the Looking-Glass, perhaps Johnson has some difficulty with language, semantics and pragmatism.
Dumpty
“When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less.”
“The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean so many different things.”
“The question is,” said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master – that`s all.”
Alice was too much puzzled to say anything, so after a minute Humpty Dumpty began again.
“They`ve a temper, some of them – particularly verbs, they`re the proudest – adjectives you can do anything with, but not verbs – however, I can manage the whole lot! Impenetrability! That`s what I say!”
The Plastic Hippo 
Unlike the curates egg, there are no good parts in dear old Boris. Surely someone once must have told him that misquoting Greek and Latin classics, mangling vowels, swallowing consonants, re-inventing history, casually insulting people, constantly playing to an audience and filling the role of class clown is no substitute for intellect, ability and discipline.
If ever offered, the advice was ignored.This was a good move on his part. By using exactly the same tactics that he applied in the lower 5th, he has succeeded in becoming some sort of eccentric national treasure.
TV stardom came, followed by a few lousy books, several extramarital expeditions, a ready quip and tousled hair that somehow took him to the London Mayoralty. For a man who could not find his own arse with both hands, has the discipline of a leaf in the wind, the intellect of a zinc bucket and the comedic ability of Little and Large, the boy did good.
If only it had stopped there. Instead, the buffoon is now the nations Foreign Secretary. The lower 5th must be pissing themselves at such a jolly wheeze.
Comment by The Realist — May 4, 2017 @ 11:06 am |