The Plastic Hippo

June 14, 2017

Saint Theresa


There might just be a logical if difficult to grasp reason for the political instability we now face and it might just transpire that this reverse but credible logic will result in Theresa May being judged by history as being the greatest ever British Prime Minister.

Under the harsh spotlight of electoral catastrophe, it is easy to dismiss Mrs May as being an inept, shallow, duplicitous, vainglorious, cowardly, patronising, ignorant, bungling, one-dimensional, deceitful, arrogant, pusillanimous, condescending candidate for an entire Theresa thesaurus devoted to her long time as Home Secretary and her short time as Prime Minister. This, however, would be something of an over-reaction.

Look deeper, and perhaps there is an agenda of courage, patriotism and honour to be found.

Throughout her career as an MP, Mrs May has adopted the stealth of a submarine politician that stays below the surface observing the world through a pragmatic periscope and knowing when to run silent and run deep and knowing when to strike when within range. Surviving for six years as Home Secretary despite serial fist-biting gaffs is an astonishing achievement and her whispered support of remaining within the European Union proved to be invaluable when David Cameron made a pig`s ear of a referendum and then cried wee wee wee all the way home. Cleverly allowing other leadership rivals to stab each other in the back, Mrs May became Prime Minister May without a vote being cast and, for the obvious need for stability, any public vote in the form of an election was deemed to be out of the question because an election would probably be undemocratic because of the overwhelming support given to Theresa May in the referendum. A new word gained traction; “Brexit”, it seems, means “Brexit”.

At this point, some unpatriotic cynics including this blog began to indulge in scandalous fear-mongering regarding the sanctity of democracy and the nature of the mandate that the referendum produced. Thankfully, Prime Minister May stood firm and appointed Boris Johnson as Foreign Secretary plus David Davis and Liam Fox as the people who will negotiate the UKs withdrawal from the European Union and repeated that there would be no snap General Election as a snap General Election would weaken the UKs negotiation stance. At this point, some unpatriotic cynics began to indulge in the fantasy that Mrs May was not all that she seemed to be.

After looking into several sets of independent chicken guts, tea leaves, burnt offerings and BBC News broadcasts, Mrs May decided that a 20 point lead in the opinion polls would strengthen the UKs negotiating stance during our withdrawal from the European Union if we had a snap General Election. The campaign was short and simple and based on two simple facts. Firstly, Theresa May is the only person on Earth to save the United Kingdom and, secondly, Jeremy Corbyn is a terrorist.

The results of the General Election that took place on Thursday 8th June 2017 have now been recorded and it would appear that the Prime Minister who called for the election is either an idiot or a genius.

The genius of retaining Boris Johnson, Jeremy Hunt, Philip Hammond and others in the cabinet is a sure sign that Mrs May is, and has been, a socialist mole for a number of years. These characters are attracting Labour Party support every time they break cover. Appointing Michael Gove to Environment might maintain Rupert Murdoch`s presence around the cabinet table and his record as the longest serving UK PM and his disturbing fetish regarding ownership of the BBC, but will do nothing to attract voters who were in Year 6 when Gove set about ruining their futures and are now faced with debt after being discouraged from taking a place in a university. In this and in so many other ways, Mrs May is becoming the new Rosa Luxemburg.

Theresa May has achieved what was once thought to be unthinkable. She has mobilised young people to become active in the political process. She has transformed Jeremy Corbyn from being an unelectable terrorist sympathiser into a trusted, honourable, avuncular national treasure. She has convinced old people that their later years are meaningless and has assured multinational corporations that they would be better off peddling their exploitative trade elsewhere because a Tory government is simply not bright enough to manage its employment laws.

One might think that after this magnificent effort to destroy the Conservative Party, Mrs May might be allowed time to enjoy a retirement gurning at empty factories owned by Tory donors or frightening the trolls that live under bridges on Welsh mountainsides or being photographed by lifeless zombies holding up placards proclaiming “strong and stable”. For goodness sake people; the woman has done her best…let her rest.

Without any sense of irony, the Conservative Party rejects the notion of a leadership election because this would result in instability and will not countenance the idea of another General Election because, unlike Jeremy Corbyn, Theresa May is completely unelectable. So, Mrs May remains trapped by her own success. Without any sense of further irony, BBC News replaced its usual repertory voxpop cast of former Labour voters complaining about unelectable Jeremy Corbyn with a new repertory voxpop cast of former Conservative voters complaining about unelectable Theresa May.

At this point, we should recognise the selfless heroism displayed by Theresa May in serving our nation and defending our people. She has allowed Donald Trump to touch her. She has, as a woman, visited Saudi Arabia to sell weapons and not mention the selling and mutilation of women. She has ignored hatred and encouraged division. She has allowed families in the UK to descend into poverty and has ignored the plight of children fleeing from war zones being bombed under her orders by the Royal Air Force.

Her Divine Mission, however, is not yet complete. In order to retain power, Mrs May`s final sacrifice is to bend the knee to the 10 representatives of the Democratic Unionist Party unable to form a government in the northern part of the island of Ireland. Even if we ignore the bowler hats, the orange sashes, casual racism, the bizarre fetish with flags and marches and a suspiciously detailed interest in homosexuality, what could possibly attract a major government to a small group of people who have little or no influence on the real world?

With Stormont suspended not because of sectarian division but as a result of allegations of some fairly serious charges of corruption, Mrs May`s cuddling up to the DUP blows both of her election strategies apart and threatens the Good Friday Agreement. She is patently not a strong and stable leader if she needs the support of the disturbingly retrospective DUP and if she is happy to get into bed with an extreme right-wing party with clearly established links with terrorist organisations, then her repeated claims that Corbyn supports terrorism ring rather hollow. Still, at least UKIP are history and Sinn Féin might just turn up at Westminster.

Pity Mrs May. She tried her best to save us by pretending to be completely hopeless and very nearly succeeded in making the place better by being voted out. Sadly, her efforts fell short and we still have a little way to go before the nation recovers. With the Crown Prosecution Service finally finding insufficient evidence of illegality within the Conservative Party during the last General Election (apart from one who is up before the courts next month) and the DUP still under investigation over a massive fuel energy scam, a small majority will not only scupper EU negotiation but also the basic governance of the United Kingdom.

Thank you, Saint Theresa, it`s time for us to prepare for your beatification.

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