The Plastic Hippo

June 22, 2017

Queen`s speech – second draft


From: Cabinet Office and Prime Minister`s Office, 10 Downing Street
Part of: Government transparency and accountability
Content: Queen`s Speech 2017 first draft for Her Majesty`s input
From: Buckingham Palace
Content: Queen`s Speech 2017 second draft including Her Majesty`s input
Her Majesty`s most gracious speech to both Houses of Parliament.

“My Lords and Members of the House of Commons,”
If you think for a moment that I intent to drag out all of the horses and all of the men down to your tawdry waste of time you are mistaken. Philip has made it perfectly clear that he will not be attending and I will probably drive myself over in one of the Land Rovers on my way to Ascot. I give you fair warning that if that appalling little man Dennis Skinner makes any sarcastic comment then he will find himself mucking out at Sandringham for the rest of the summer.

“My government’s priority is to secure the best possible deal as the country leaves the European Union. My ministers are committed to working with Parliament, the devolved administrations, business and others to build the widest possible consensus on the country’s future outside the European Union.”
You do realise that you are fooling nobody but yourselves.

“A bill will be introduced to repeal the European Communities Act and provide certainty for individuals and businesses. This will be complemented by legislation to ensure that the United Kingdom makes a success of Brexit, establishing new national policies on immigration, international sanctions, nuclear safeguards, agriculture, and fisheries.”
Now look – trying to pass a law does not turn a catastrophic failure into a triumphant success. I`ve been in this business since you lot were sucking Farley`s rusks and I know a crap law when I see one.

“My government (I`m getting sick of this “my government” malarkey – I didn`t vote for you) will seek to maintain a deep and special partnership with European allies and to forge new trading relationships across the globe. New bills on trade and customs will help to implement an independent trade policy, and support will be given to help British businesses export to markets around the world.”
I will not repeat what the Duke of Edinburgh said about this load of old tosh.

“My government will work to attract investment in infrastructure to support economic growth. Legislation will be introduced to ensure the United Kingdom remains a world leader in new industries, including electric cars and commercial satellites. A new bill will also be brought forward to deliver the next phase of high-speed rail.”
You`re having a laugh now aren`t you.

“Proposals will be brought forward to ban unfair tenant fees, promote fairness and transparency in the housing market, and help ensure more homes are built.”
Given the current public mood, I wouldn`t promise that if I were you.

“My ministers will work to improve social care and will bring forward proposals for consultation.”
Definitely do not promise that.

“My government will ensure fairer markets for consumers; this will include bringing forward measures to help tackle unfair practices in the energy market to help reduce energy bills.”
That was Miliband`s idea – next.

“A priority will be to build a more united country, strengthening the social, economic and cultural bonds between England, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales. My government will work in cooperation with the devolved administrations, and it will work with all of the parties in Northern Ireland to support the return of devolved government.”
You have practically guaranteed a second Scottish independence referendum, opened the way to a united Ireland and annoyed the Welsh. What part of stop it do you not understand?

“My government will initiate a full public inquiry into the tragic fire at Grenfell Tower to ascertain the causes, and ensure that the appropriate lessons are learnt. To support victims, my government will take forward measures to introduce an independent public advocate, who will act for bereaved families after a public disaster and support them at public inquests.”
White wash – cover up – long grass.

“A commission for countering extremism will be established to support the government in stamping out extremist ideology in all its forms, both across society and on the internet, so it is denied a safe space to spread.”
Start with Murdoch, Dacre and Desmond.

“My ministers will ensure that the United Kingdom’s leading role on the world stage is maintained and enhanced as it leaves the European Union.”
You have no mandate, no majority and no clue. For God`s sake, which I may remind you I represent here on Earth, you cannot even make a deal with a small bunch of barking mad Orangemen.

“My government will work to find sustainable political solutions to conflicts across the Middle East. It will work to tackle the threat of terrorism at source by continuing the United Kingdom’s leading role in international military action to destroy Daesh in Iraq and Syria.”
So stop selling arms and London real estate to rogue Gulf States.

“Prince Philip and I look forward to welcoming Their Majesties King Felipe and Queen Letizia of Spain on a State Visit in July.”
But not that sleaze ball Trump; I`m warning you if he comes anywhere near me I`ll set the Corgis on him.

“Members of the House of Commons:
Estimates for the public services will be laid before you.
My Lords and Members of the House of Commons:
Other measures will be laid before you.
I pray that the blessing of Almighty God may rest upon your counsels.”

You are going to need more than God`s blessing. Now that this second ghastly grammar school woman no longer require a speech from me this time next year, I have cleared my diary for the next opening of parliament. I have pencilled you in for this coming October.

Get your skates on or you`ll end up with Charles.

1 Comment »

  1. Simply stunning in its elegance, wit and accuracy.

    Comment by The Realist — June 22, 2017 @ 10:44 am | Reply

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