Poached sushi

Raw sushi

When, on a cold and frosty morning, a car refuses to start when being late is simply not an option or the first intestinal rumblings indicate that the recently consumed piece of fish might have spent too long in the fridge, hope rapidly follows faith down the pan when it comes to being confident in having a mythical good day. No amount of de-icer or splashes of Wasabe can disguise the struggle in acquisition or the irredeemable loss when trust blows a gasket or crawls off the plate in search of greener pastures. The futility of bemoaning bad luck as being unfair can have no better example of wasting time than that of analysing the current government`s approach to governance, its notion of fairness and the Prime Minister`s definition of the words “strong and stable”.

One might think that after a parliamentary session fated to be viewed as one of the most disastrous yet, our shambles of a government would embrace the summer recess with open arms, closed mouths, numerous cases of Pinot Grigio; one or two Jeffrey Archer paperbacks and a list of company directorships up for grabs. Interestingly, rather than retreat from scrutiny and enjoy a couple of months respite from impertinent questions, corporate government is attempting to create an impression of actual functionality and is carrying on as if people still gave this self-inflicted farcical mess any credence. Obviously those at the high end of toxicity have disappeared without trace for the duration leaving expendable minions to fill slow news days with claptrap, twaddle and hogwash. In another life Zahawi, Rudd and Raab could easily pose as a firm of ambulance chasing attorneys attempting to prove negligence by deliberate and wilful irony by turning up at any crime scene and accusing the victims of being guilty.

Given the trouble that they have seen and, unfortunately, caused, it seems odd that government should wish to make things worse with grand if stupid pronouncements. The £1.3billion allocated to education turns out to be £1.3billion already allocated to education and will come from budgets already spent on fraudulent free schools and some very dodgy Academy chains. It seems that Cross Rail 2 in the South East of England is more of a priority than the electrification of railways lines in the Midlands, Wales and Cumbria based not on infrastructure need but on discredited opinion polls that guess at voter intentions.

After making an unholy mess as Lord Chief Justice and now as Secretary of State for Transport, Christopher Grayling`s decision to announce such crude vote buying on the last day of term should make us glad he is no longer in charge of the criminal justice system. With Young Offender institutions unable to offer a single safe and secure place anywhere in the country, the considerable increase in violent crime has, according to the government, nothing to do with the decrease in prison and police officers and has absolutely nothing to do with the imposition of austerity.

As a long-term study into longevity suggests that average life-span particularly for people with low incomes is decreasing, the government raises the retirement age, raids individual pension funds and claims that shorter life expectancy has absolutely nothing to do with the imposition of austerity. There is no better example than the NHS to prove that austerity as a tool of strong, stable and unified government is working to reduce borrowing, debt and deficit. If people are dead, then expensive care and treatment is longer required. It really is that simple.

After making an unholy mess as Education Secretary, Secretary of State for Justice and now as Environment Secretary, the disturbing Michael Gove owes his job not to the detached Theresa May but to a nasty old scrotum answering to the name Rupert. Gove, it seems, has seen the light and is now an expert on coastal shelf fish stocks, trees and nasty diesel pollution that will require urgent attention in about 20 years or it will kill us before the Cod Mornay a la Mercury and chlorinated chicken does. Michael, it seems, does not trust experts and is in cabinet to make sure it does Rupert`s bidding.

For some reason or other which has absolutely nothing to do with Rupert wanting control of the BBC, the government forced the BBC to disclose the salaries of its highest earners hoping to provoke public outrage at such greed and inequality. Apart from a bit of overtime for Clive Myrie and Reeta Chakrabarti who were not on the list and an occasional raised eyebrow as to the BBC`s judgement in considering Steve Wright to be worth half a million quid, the teacup storm has now passed and John Humphries can get back to giving government ministers an easy time. Should he or any of his colleagues have cause to take their employers to an Industrial Tribunal, then at least they will no longer be charged a fee because that would be unlawful.

Persecuting hard-working proletariat like Chris Evans can easily be dismissed but when charges of corporate manslaughter are levelled at a Royal Borough Council and a housing management organisation, then shrieks of sub judice will drown out any criticism faster than you can say Migration Action Group. With a government out of ideas and out of excuses, the only option seems to be to call for another report. The latest one is to accurately measure the economic impact of ending inward migration from the European Union. It has been more than a year since the historic landslide referendum result sees us marching triumphantly away from an unelected gravy train so it is probably about time to consider the consequences but not until about six months before we sign the paper, or two and a half years, or five years or more depending on which definition of “transition period” you believe.

Meanwhile, the 1975 Mark II Ford Escort is up on bricks and will not move let alone start and that nice piece of fish is attempting to break out of the fridge and demand a referendum on an independent and sovereign kitchen state.

Thank goodness we decided to take back control.

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