Catch a tiger by the toe

Farage via topspeed.com

I never use the words poisonous unfunny pillock and would never use them apart from on those occasions when I actually use them or when describing Jeremy Clarkson. In that last sentence I did everything humanly possible not to use those words and I beg for your forgiveness as I am now informed that I mistakenly, accidently and inadvertently used them even though I hate them and never, ever use them. Whoever leaked the footage to the Daily Mirror will be taken outside and executed in front of their families.

In many ways, Jeremy Clarkson is a national treasure. He is a national treasure in that he should be illegally taken to a deserted island in the middle of an ocean, buried and then forgotten about.

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Dick Whittington meets Aladdin

Banksy rickshaw

This is obviously only a personal opinion, but I find pantomime vulgar, boring and profoundly unfunny. I have no interest in the Mayor of London or his wretched cat or the tawdry tale of Widow Twankey Cameron peddling the bodily fluids of pigs in Chinese laundries. Innuendo is best left to those who know which endo the “ue” goes in.

Just a rumour that is going around town

Happiness is a warm gun

Any parent taking smug pride from the achievements of their offspring has to take care not to cross the fine line that results in a competitive dad physically assaulting a referee at an under sevens five-a-side football match. Parental satisfaction at little Jemima`s Grade Five pass at the violin or little Rio`s first ASBO transcends social divides and all too often is manifested as bizarre, filial, reflected glory.

This blog tends to ignore local gossip and rumour and prefers to wait for verifiable evidence before jumping to conclusions. However, the sleepy hamlet of Chuckery in the peaceful town of Walsall, England has been rife with speculation over an alleged incident that those in authority need to address. In the pubs, the shops and on the streets, there was talk of children discovering a loaded firearm in a play area. With the police remaining understandably tight-lipped over an ongoing investigation, the vacuum of actual information was soon filled with all sorts of outlandish theories involving the usual suspects; terrorists, fascists, drug dealers and gangsters.

Irony`s last will and testament

Dean Perks image via freethinker.co.uk

Ukip, being of unsound mind and decaying body, hereby bequeath all its worldly bonkers ideas to the nation in perpetuity.

Dean Perks is almost certainly a fine, decent, hard-working self-employed builder and that unfortunate misunderstanding with Her Majesty`s Revenue and Customs was, I`m sure, due to a simple error that any small businessperson can make but is yet another example of EU tax extortion of decent, hard-working British citizens. Similarly, saying: “Sharia Law in my opinion it works as a prevention and prevention is better than cure. If you think you are going to get your hand chopped off for pinching something you won`t pinch it” is a simple error that any prospective Ukip parliamentary candidate for Halesowen and Rowley Regis can make. Mr Perks was addressing a massed rally of the Ukip faithful in the back room of a pub in Coventry and was advising his supporters and a passing dog of the dangers of social media. He told his followers to be careful of expressing any opinion on the internet thingy because Ukip might get found out. Sadly, his wise words to the bemused audience of old, white, slightly portly male technophobes were recorded and ended up on social media.

Three billy goats gruff

Something must be done

When three indistinguishable scrubbed up school boys compete in a screeching contest to see which can produce the loudest outrage and shrillest condemnation, we descend once again into “something must be done” politics.

Public revulsion at each new horrific event is met by the bloated political classes falling over themselves to assure the public that “something must be done”. After cutting funding to social services to the bone and then cutting some more, freeloading rich men in suits with grave faces point the finger at stressed social workers and demonised teachers. Forgetting that the two vile creatures with a duty to care for; protect and love a small boy actually murdered him, a febrile press are more interested in pointing out, usually in upper case for emphasis that the guilty killers are from Poland. When other monsters commit unspeakable acts of barbarity, political opportunism demands some advantage and so because the accused are already guilty of “looking at the internet”, the important something that has to be done is stricter control of the internet.

The latest manifestation of internet control has come about due abuse on Twitter and has resulted in demands for a “Report Abuse” button for every tweet. Threats of violent assault, bombing, rape and murder cannot be defined as “abuse”. They are criminal acts under a variety of legislation not least the Communications Act 2003 and are subject to police investigation, arrest and prosecution. Rather than a “Report Abuse” button, Twitter might instead consider a “Report Criminality” button which is more likely to deter the rather sad keyboard moronic misogynists who get their kicks threatening women. If such disgraceful aggression took place away from social media, or the “real world” as some of us remember it, the charmless little oiks would be up before the beak faster that you can type hashtag Daily Mail. The difference in cyberspace is that if victims are quick enough with a screen shot or a deft RT to the old bill, the evidence of malicious and threatened communication is irrefutable and, more importantly, permanent. Anonymity is not an issue as we now know that all our communications are being monitored by GCHQ and the NSA so tracing the idiots is relatively simple. Perhaps we should consider some definitions.