The Plastic Hippo

October 28, 2016

Happy days are here again

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 3:00 am
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Speaking as the manufacturer of bespoke Halloween costumes and other specialist items of leisure wear for the discerning lady and gentleman, if it`s good enough for Nissan then it`s good enough for me.

Since the June referendum, when about 36 per cent of the electorate voted overwhelmingly with a huge majority of nearly four per cent to close our borders, renounce the single market, physically assault anyone who looks a bit foreign and not be at all interested in the terms and conditions of leaving the European Union, I have not hesitated to warn the government that any attempt to remove my UK business from the single market and customs union will result in me threatening to re-locate away from the United Kingdom and open premises either in Hamburg`s Reeperbahn or in the De Wallen district of Amsterdam. (more…)

October 24, 2016

A letter from the jungle

Just outside Dover - 24th October 2018

Just outside Dover – 24th October 2018

Dear Mum,

Just a quick note to let you and Dad know that I am fine and that you should not worry about what you saw on the news last night because I kept well away from the trouble and although a few bullets did come through my tent, they missed me. Sadly, the tent got destroyed when the eviction squads set fire to the camp this morning.

The soldiers came back a dawn and handed out leaflets giving us our instructions. We have to report to a shower block just outside the camp. After they have hosed us down we will be transferred by lorry to “re-settlement areas” where dental tests will be taken to find out which of us still support the European Union. Patriotic English citizens will be put to work building Britain`s infrastructure on a zero hour basis and Irish, Welsh and Scottish welfare tourists will be deported to the Isle of Man. Those still supporting the EU will be sent to “re-education centres” for lessons in patriotism, loyalty, gratitude and servitude. Don`t worry, that`s not going to happen to me. If only I hadn`t written that stupid blog criticising the government. (more…)

September 9, 2016

Area 50 Article 51



Area 51, as any self-appointed expert on alien life forms will more than happily tell you, is a top secret dark operations base located on a salt flat near Groom Lake in Nevada some 83 miles north-northwest of Las Vegas. The dead and injured victims of crashed space craft are taken there for either autopsy or examination. Some experts go so far as to suggest that surviving extraterrestrial beings are actually sharing their knowledge of advanced technology and are even now colluding with earthly governments in secret research. Obviously the presence of non-earthlings would create panic and be very bad for business for world religion so it makes perfect sense to keep such creatures locked up and safely out of sight. (more…)

August 3, 2016

Honours among theives

It is probably just a simple oversight or a minor administrative error or an honest to goodness human mistake but after days and days of waiting for the postman to arrive with confirmation, it seems than my name does not appear on David Cameron`s resignation honours list conveniently leaked to a Murdoch newspaper.

The fact that I am eminently qualified to be ennobled and thus elevated above the hoi polloi makes the omission even more inexplicable. I tirelessly supported the “Remain” campaign by bunging a load of cash at it. I instructed my newspaper editors to inform the public that my opinion is the only infallible truth and I defended democracy by bunging a load of cash to the political party that best serves my interests. I opened a Free School and used the funding to pay off the mortgages on my property portfolio and placed impoverish children in solitary confinement until their scrounging parents paid the lunch bill. I opened a chain of Academies and removed impoverished children and disruptive pupils displaying so-called special needs determined to spoil my reputation as an evangelical philanthropist. (more…)

June 2, 2016


Filed under: Fiction,Politics,World — theplastichippo @ 1:59 am
Tags: , , , , ,


Muchachas y los amigos de España; the great kingdom of Spain faces an unprecedented existential crisis brought about by unregulated immigration actively encouraged by faceless, unelected Eurocrats. Spain is full and we must take back control of our borders. Many hard working Spanish families no longer recognise their own pueblito and Spanish is no longer the most commonly spoken language at the bodega or village fiesta. Clearly, high unemployment, financial deficit, debt and the appearance of Lionel Messi in the Panama Papers accused of tax avoidance are all directly linked to uncontrolled immigration and not anything at all to do with the performance of government.

So, to protect our God-given sovereignty and to regain our inalienable right to deflect attention from inadequacy by blaming a group of people who just happen to be foreign, we will introduce an Andalucian points based immigration system. (more…)

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