It is probably just a simple oversight or a minor administrative error or an honest to goodness human mistake but after days and days of waiting for the postman to arrive with confirmation, it seems than my name does not appear on David Cameron`s resignation honours list conveniently leaked to a Murdoch newspaper.
The fact that I am eminently qualified to be ennobled and thus elevated above the hoi polloi makes the omission even more inexplicable. I tirelessly supported the “Remain” campaign by bunging a load of cash at it. I instructed my newspaper editors to inform the public that my opinion is the only infallible truth and I defended democracy by bunging a load of cash to the political party that best serves my interests. I opened a Free School and used the funding to pay off the mortgages on my property portfolio and placed impoverish children in solitary confinement until their scrounging parents paid the lunch bill. I opened a chain of Academies and removed impoverished children and disruptive pupils displaying so-called special needs determined to spoil my reputation as an evangelical philanthropist. (more…)
Muchachas y los amigos de España; the great kingdom of Spain faces an unprecedented existential crisis brought about by unregulated immigration actively encouraged by faceless, unelected Eurocrats. Spain is full and we must take back control of our borders. Many hard working Spanish families no longer recognise their own pueblito and Spanish is no longer the most commonly spoken language at the bodega or village fiesta. Clearly, high unemployment, financial deficit, debt and the appearance of Lionel Messi in the Panama Papers accused of tax avoidance are all directly linked to uncontrolled immigration and not anything at all to do with the performance of government.
So, to protect our God-given sovereignty and to regain our inalienable right to deflect attention from inadequacy by blaming a group of people who just happen to be foreign, we will introduce an Andalucian points based immigration system. (more…)
Usual suspects via some image agency or other
By promising significant improvements to an antiquated penal system, David Cameron has guaranteed a lasting legacy that will reverse the causes of criminality and the horrific downward spiral of recidivist degeneracy. Now elevated into the pantheon of enlightened reformers, Cameron`s “biggest shake-up of prisons since the Victorian era” places him along side worthy emancipationists including former Home Secretary Michael Howard, the inspiration behind the Howard League for Penal Reform, and Elizabeth Fry, the inventor of Fry`s Turkish Delight. From now on, the only porridge served will be Quaker Oats. (more…)
Image via David Fisher Rex Features
”And that was Life on Mars by David Bowie; a musical legend and the man who changed the world. In this hour we discuss Britain`s nuclear deterrent. Trident; good or bad, right or wrong, vital or irrelevant, fried or boiled, salt or pepper, indiscriminate weapon of mass destruction or the ultimate insurance policy? Have your say by calling our usual number.
Our first caller is Abraham from Barking. Hello Abraham, what would you like to say about Trident? Good or bad, right or wrong, vital or… (more…)
Due to unprecedented success and expansion, Her Majesty`s government is seeking to recruit further high quality senior executives across a broad range of disciplines to consolidate and develop corporate excellence going forward. We require high-end, front-facing, hands-on, self-starting, low-maintenance, top class professionals with a proven track record of leadership, innovation, accountability, robust scrutiny, sound economic judgement and previous extensive experience in the scapegoat sector. (more…)