The Plastic Hippo

November 23, 2016

Our man in Diego Garcia

Filed under: Fiction,Law,Media,Politics,World — theplastichippo @ 2:30 am
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Alice and the Dodo by John Tenniel

Alice and the Dodo by John Tenniel

November 2017 – in a surprise move announced by the Foreign Office, former leader of UKIP and renown international diplomat Sir Nigel Farage, PhD, OBE, VC and bar, has been appointed as the next Commissioner of the British Indian Ocean Territory of the Chagos Archipelago. His previous position as Governor General of the Falkland Islands came to an end after 100 per cent of Falkland islanders voted to make Spanish the official language, rename the islands Las Malvinas, accept Argentine citizenship and pledge alliance to whatever government happens to be meeting in Buenos Aries. Sir Nigel achieved this remarkable feat just six months after arriving in Port Stanley.

Prior to successfully strutting around in a big hat covered in feathers, Lord Farage of Brussels was appointed as UK ambassador to the Cayman Islands by former President Donald Trump but when ex-President Trump was impeached on charges of tax evasion even before his inauguration and his replacement ex-President Pence was declared clinically insane after accusing his pet lizard of being bisexual, the current President Michelle Obama removed man of the people Farage from the tax haven and Brussels and removed his fingers from the till.

Sources close to the new Foreign Secretary, Gina Miller, have denied that pressure from the BBC, ITN and Channel 4 to move Farage as far away from their news studios as possible influenced the decision to post him to the Indian Ocean and it is thought that other shortlisted locations including St Helena and the Moon would not necessarily deter the failed people`s champion from shameless attention seeking and a desperate need for lots of money for doing absolutely nothing (more…)

November 5, 2016

New Model Army

via-historyextra-com
November 5th 2017 – Sporadic fighting continues as skirmishes between rival factions in the English Civil War Part Two bring national misery and international derision. The Prime Minister, King Theresa May the First remains vehement that the Divine Right of Unelected Prime Ministers trumps the sovereignty of elected MPs and a subversive and unpatriotic parliament. The King maintains that no running commentary will be given regarding England taking leave of its senses; cards will not be put on the table and there will be no blow by blow account of England taking leave of the planet. So there… the King has spoken and the King has been chosen by Almighty God and not by the Conservative Party, or parliament, for that matter, the electorate.

The latest battles to take place between Cavalier royalists and Roundhead parliamentarians focuses on England`s overwhelming desire by 52 per cent to 48 per cent to sever allegiances with King Louis XIV of France, the Duchy of Lorraine, the Prince-Bishopric of Strasbourg and Ferdinand III of the Holy Roman Empire. The English people have clearly rejected various foreign treaties, protocols and declarations made in foreign places like Schengen, Maastricht, Amsterdam, Nice or Lisbon and wish to preserve the unique Roman, Viking and Norman Englishness of England by closing our borders to bloody foreigners. (more…)

October 28, 2016

Happy days are here again

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 3:00 am
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nissan

Speaking as the manufacturer of bespoke Halloween costumes and other specialist items of leisure wear for the discerning lady and gentleman, if it`s good enough for Nissan then it`s good enough for me.

Since the June referendum, when about 36 per cent of the electorate voted overwhelmingly with a huge majority of nearly four per cent to close our borders, renounce the single market, physically assault anyone who looks a bit foreign and not be at all interested in the terms and conditions of leaving the European Union, I have not hesitated to warn the government that any attempt to remove my UK business from the single market and customs union will result in me threatening to re-locate away from the United Kingdom and open premises either in Hamburg`s Reeperbahn or in the De Wallen district of Amsterdam. (more…)

October 24, 2016

A letter from the jungle

Just outside Dover - 24th October 2018

Just outside Dover – 24th October 2018

Dear Mum,

Just a quick note to let you and Dad know that I am fine and that you should not worry about what you saw on the news last night because I kept well away from the trouble and although a few bullets did come through my tent, they missed me. Sadly, the tent got destroyed when the eviction squads set fire to the camp this morning.

The soldiers came back a dawn and handed out leaflets giving us our instructions. We have to report to a shower block just outside the camp. After they have hosed us down we will be transferred by lorry to “re-settlement areas” where dental tests will be taken to find out which of us still support the European Union. Patriotic English citizens will be put to work building Britain`s infrastructure on a zero hour basis and Irish, Welsh and Scottish welfare tourists will be deported to the Isle of Man. Those still supporting the EU will be sent to “re-education centres” for lessons in patriotism, loyalty, gratitude and servitude. Don`t worry, that`s not going to happen to me. If only I hadn`t written that stupid blog criticising the government. (more…)

September 9, 2016

Area 50 Article 51

Chevening

Chevening

Area 51, as any self-appointed expert on alien life forms will more than happily tell you, is a top secret dark operations base located on a salt flat near Groom Lake in Nevada some 83 miles north-northwest of Las Vegas. The dead and injured victims of crashed space craft are taken there for either autopsy or examination. Some experts go so far as to suggest that surviving extraterrestrial beings are actually sharing their knowledge of advanced technology and are even now colluding with earthly governments in secret research. Obviously the presence of non-earthlings would create panic and be very bad for business for world religion so it makes perfect sense to keep such creatures locked up and safely out of sight. (more…)

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