After a journey of trillions of miles taking thousands of light years, on Saturday 15th January 2017 an object about the size of a sofa originating in the Kuiper belt far beyond the orbit of the planet Neptune approached Earth at great speed.
Coming into existence during the formation of the solar system, about 4.5 billion years ago, the small lump of rock originally ejected during the Jovian disruption of the then protoplanet that would become Jupiter, fell into an elliptical orbit around the sun travelling out far beyond the orbit of Pluto. The object slowed down as it approached the outer edge of the solar system only to accelerate as it returned toward the sun. Each long orbit over unimaginable periods of time brought the rock closer and closer to Earth. Now travelling at a velocity approaching the speed of light, a collision would result in serious repercussions for life on the planet. (more…)
The family and sycophants of an 85 year old newlywed have expressed their disappointment after medical tests have confirmed that the vindictive media tycoon continues to enjoy the rudest of health. Complaining of “a pain in the arse”, octogenarian Rupert Murdoch was rushed to the private Leveson wing of the Richard Branson Memorial Hospital and Cash Converter Superstore where teams of specialist doctors checked Mr Murdoch`s credit rating.
After a shameful wait on a trolley for more than 10 seconds before the £20million scanner recognised his Platinum American Express card, Mr Murdoch underwent a full Positron Emission Tomography scan which involved injecting radioactive glucose into the patient`s blood stream. However, the patient`s blood proved to be so toxic that the glucose was instantly absorbed and converted into sulphuric acid which damaged a Chippendale chaise longue and a Persian carpet in the media magnets £10,000 a day private hospital suite. Mercifully discharged, the world`s cultural guardian complained that the Dom Perignon was too warm, the foie gras lacked the taste of cruelty and the Picasso on the wall did not have any bare breasts. (more…)
Alice and the Dodo by John Tenniel
November 2017 – in a surprise move announced by the Foreign Office, former leader of UKIP and renown international diplomat Sir Nigel Farage, PhD, OBE, VC and bar, has been appointed as the next Commissioner of the British Indian Ocean Territory of the Chagos Archipelago. His previous position as Governor General of the Falkland Islands came to an end after 100 per cent of Falkland islanders voted to make Spanish the official language, rename the islands Las Malvinas, accept Argentine citizenship and pledge alliance to whatever government happens to be meeting in Buenos Aries. Sir Nigel achieved this remarkable feat just six months after arriving in Port Stanley.
Prior to successfully strutting around in a big hat covered in feathers, Lord Farage of Brussels was appointed as UK ambassador to the Cayman Islands by former President Donald Trump but when ex-President Trump was impeached on charges of tax evasion even before his inauguration and his replacement ex-President Pence was declared clinically insane after accusing his pet lizard of being bisexual, the current President Michelle Obama removed man of the people Farage from the tax haven and Brussels and removed his fingers from the till.
Sources close to the new Foreign Secretary, Gina Miller, have denied that pressure from the BBC, ITN and Channel 4 to move Farage as far away from their news studios as possible influenced the decision to post him to the Indian Ocean and it is thought that other shortlisted locations including St Helena and the Moon would not necessarily deter the failed people`s champion from shameless attention seeking and a desperate need for lots of money for doing absolutely nothing (more…)
November 5th 2017 – Sporadic fighting continues as skirmishes between rival factions in the English Civil War Part Two bring national misery and international derision. The Prime Minister, King Theresa May the First remains vehement that the Divine Right of Unelected Prime Ministers trumps the sovereignty of elected MPs and a subversive and unpatriotic parliament. The King maintains that no running commentary will be given regarding England taking leave of its senses; cards will not be put on the table and there will be no blow by blow account of England taking leave of the planet. So there… the King has spoken and the King has been chosen by Almighty God and not by the Conservative Party, or parliament, for that matter, the electorate.
The latest battles to take place between Cavalier royalists and Roundhead parliamentarians focuses on England`s overwhelming desire by 52 per cent to 48 per cent to sever allegiances with King Louis XIV of France, the Duchy of Lorraine, the Prince-Bishopric of Strasbourg and Ferdinand III of the Holy Roman Empire. The English people have clearly rejected various foreign treaties, protocols and declarations made in foreign places like Schengen, Maastricht, Amsterdam, Nice or Lisbon and wish to preserve the unique Roman, Viking and Norman Englishness of England by closing our borders to bloody foreigners. (more…)
Speaking as the manufacturer of bespoke Halloween costumes and other specialist items of leisure wear for the discerning lady and gentleman, if it`s good enough for Nissan then it`s good enough for me.
Since the June referendum, when about 36 per cent of the electorate voted overwhelmingly with a huge majority of nearly four per cent to close our borders, renounce the single market, physically assault anyone who looks a bit foreign and not be at all interested in the terms and conditions of leaving the European Union, I have not hesitated to warn the government that any attempt to remove my UK business from the single market and customs union will result in me threatening to re-locate away from the United Kingdom and open premises either in Hamburg`s Reeperbahn or in the De Wallen district of Amsterdam. (more…)