The Plastic Hippo

November 19, 2016

Hypocrites in Need

Filed under: Health,Politics,Rights,Society — theplastichippo @ 7:16 am
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Bling bling

Bling bling

Child poverty has been officially eradicated within the United Kingdom thanks to a caring government that increased the numbers of children in need and then ignored them until they went away. As with any wealthy economy, the waifs and strays should have the aspiration to work hard and look after themselves rather than be reliant on charity and if they cannot survive without hand-outs, the very least they should do is die of neglect as far away as possible from unwarranted publicity.

Now that the big society public has taken on the responsibility of patronising children who happen to be poor or ill, the government needs to re-direct its limited resources to encourage healthy children to donate pocket money, the aged to donate their pension money and guilty people in full and meaningful employment to cough up some dosh to pay for the stuff that government is responsible for but has decided not to pay for. So, on the one day of the year when big business secures some cheap advertising by donating a tiny fraction of profit and rich people announce to the world that they have spent a fortune to have lunch with some minor celebrity and we can all have a jolly good laugh at paying twice for social care, charitable giving needs to be redirected. (more…)

November 3, 2016

Once bitten

Who let the dogs out?

Who let the dogs out?

It is a source of constant delight and unexpected entertainment that a news agenda varying between the absurd and the terrifying should provide a story that requires no less than Michael Heseltine to vehemently deny that he killed his mother`s pet Alsatian dog by strangulation. Quoted in the Tatler magazine, the former Deputy Prime Minister originally claimed that the dog Kim had started to exhibit irrational violence so my Lord Heseltine “took Kim`s collar – a sort of choke chain – and pulled it tight. Suddenly he went limp. I was devoted to Kim, but he`d obviously had some sort of mental breakdown. There was no choice.” Tarzan might have been on safe ground with the readership of the Tatler, but animal lovers and the RSPCA took umbrage at this conservative approach to dealing with canine mental illness and Heseltine changed his story to claim that Kim was later taken to a Vet and mercifully put down. (more…)

October 22, 2016

Treason

nooseAt first glance, the story of an obscure Tory councillor creating an online petition demanding that anyone who still supports membership of the European Union be charged with treason smacks of a crude attempt at humour and is obviously a very weak joke. A second glance would confirm the hoax as the petition is in the name of a councillor Christian Holliday who represents the Burpham ward in the delightful town of Guildford. If a councillor Cruella de Winterval representing nearby Effingham had demanded the re-introduction of thumbscrews and the rack into the criminal justice system, the joke would not have been more obvious. However, a third glance reveals the treason petition story to be true and a bizarre invention called Christian Holliday actually exists and wishes to “amend the Treason Felony Act to make supporting UK membership of the EU a crime.”

It seems that the petition has been taken down and a Guildford councillor has been suspended by the local Tory party. No doubt the councillor will complain of censorship, an attack on free speech and a liberal elite conspiring to bring about the end of democracy but will then slide deservedly back into obscurity where he will not cause too much damage. That a councillor, let alone a Tory councillor, should prove to be a complete and utter idiot is not unexpected news but, as a symptom of the collective emotional breakdown currently debilitating the nation, the thought that this kind of nonsense could ever be considered as even remotely appropriate is much more troublesome. (more…)

October 6, 2016

Lady Marmalade

Via westminsteradvisors.co.uk

Via westminsteradvisors.co.uk

Following the marvellous Conservative Party Conference in Birmingham, it has never been more obvious to any member of the voting public blessed with the ability to clutch a pencil and mark a cross, that Theresa May is the best Prime Minister that this nation has ever seen. We know this to be fact because her press secretary said so and it is her destiny to remain as Prime Minister for a glorious reign of at least a thousand years. We know this to be fact because of the number of votes she gained during the leadership election, the number of young people removed from the electoral role and with a spectacular piece of gerrymandering not seen since Gerry first Mandered, the redefining of constituency boundaries.

Even before the latest product of the Nightmare on Broad Street franchise hit the screens of Birmingham and beyond, the occasional confusion grenade was lobbed at a gullible public in order to distract from the main feature. The return of the grammar school was waved in front of Downing Street cameras as a diversion from the clueless attempts at an early withdrawal from Europe. “Oh you naughty boys,” giggled a coquettish government, “you have discovered my little secret.” (more…)

May 1, 2016

Will

Filed under: Health,History,Literature,Media,Politics,Society — theplastichippo @ 1:01 am
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Picasso sketch 1964

Picasso sketch 1964

O for a Muse of fire, that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention to describe just how bloody wonderful it is to be an Englishman living in these joyous times.

Firstly we celebrated 90 glorious years of divine monarchy dedicating a lifetime of hollow crown duty by waving a lot and having to endure the permanent smell of fresh paint. Then we commemorated our holy English values as epitomised by our noble patron Saint George. As with most versions of English history, George`s origins and ethnicity are a little vague. He might have been born in Cappadocia which would make him a Turk or he might have been born in the Roman province of Syria Palaestina which roughly translates as either Syria or Palestine. What is certain is that he was not born within the concrete O of the M25, he did not speak English and his dragon slaying activities took place far away from Albion in a place called Beirut. Crying God for Harry, England and Agios Georgios might make you sound… well… a bit foreign. (more…)

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