The family and sycophants of an 85 year old newlywed have expressed their disappointment after medical tests have confirmed that the vindictive media tycoon continues to enjoy the rudest of health. Complaining of “a pain in the arse”, octogenarian Rupert Murdoch was rushed to the private Leveson wing of the Richard Branson Memorial Hospital and Cash Converter Superstore where teams of specialist doctors checked Mr Murdoch`s credit rating.
After a shameful wait on a trolley for more than 10 seconds before the £20million scanner recognised his Platinum American Express card, Mr Murdoch underwent a full Positron Emission Tomography scan which involved injecting radioactive glucose into the patient`s blood stream. However, the patient`s blood proved to be so toxic that the glucose was instantly absorbed and converted into sulphuric acid which damaged a Chippendale chaise longue and a Persian carpet in the media magnets £10,000 a day private hospital suite. Mercifully discharged, the world`s cultural guardian complained that the Dom Perignon was too warm, the foie gras lacked the taste of cruelty and the Picasso on the wall did not have any bare breasts. (more…)
Silly Abbey Road
Of all the government departments labouring away in the dark recesses of Whitehall, none is more expert at artifice, trickery and prestidigitation than the secretive Ministry of Magic. Employing sleight of hand and illusion, its job is to conjure up enough distraction to deceive a gullible public into thinking that everything is going to be alright and that government is kind and is not stealing money from tax payers.
The latest piece of trickery is to announce a complete non-story via the Secretary of State for Communities and Local Government that an oath of allegiance to “British values” might be introduced. Elected officials, including MPs and local authority councillors, civil servants, council workers, teachers and employees of the NHS and BBC will be expected to verbally pledge their loyalty to the crown. Smoke and mirrors are again being cleverly deployed to shift attention away from the ludicrous farce and ongoing train wreck that is our government`s stance on leaving the European Union. (more…)
Hear no evil
It is with considerable joy and with a palpable sense of relief that the timely demise of Nigel the Rat can be announced to an indifferent public. Regular readers of this blog may remember the sorry tale of the uninvited pest invading the sumptuous kitchens of the hippo estate not yet four short weeks ago. Having established an excellent working relationship with the vermin extermination operative now known to the family as “Ron the Rat Man”, Nigel has scuttled his last and all the open bread bins in the world will not bring him back. He shall never again feast at my fruit bowl or drink at my sink or leave his droppings on top of my fridge; so he`ll go no more a burrowing so late into the night. (more…)
Child poverty has been officially eradicated within the United Kingdom thanks to a caring government that increased the numbers of children in need and then ignored them until they went away. As with any wealthy economy, the waifs and strays should have the aspiration to work hard and look after themselves rather than be reliant on charity and if they cannot survive without hand-outs, the very least they should do is die of neglect as far away as possible from unwarranted publicity.
Now that the big society public has taken on the responsibility of patronising children who happen to be poor or ill, the government needs to re-direct its limited resources to encourage healthy children to donate pocket money, the aged to donate their pension money and guilty people in full and meaningful employment to cough up some dosh to pay for the stuff that government is responsible for but has decided not to pay for. So, on the one day of the year when big business secures some cheap advertising by donating a tiny fraction of profit and rich people announce to the world that they have spent a fortune to have lunch with some minor celebrity and we can all have a jolly good laugh at paying twice for social care, charitable giving needs to be redirected. (more…)
Who let the dogs out?
It is a source of constant delight and unexpected entertainment that a news agenda varying between the absurd and the terrifying should provide a story that requires no less than Michael Heseltine to vehemently deny that he killed his mother`s pet Alsatian dog by strangulation. Quoted in the Tatler magazine, the former Deputy Prime Minister originally claimed that the dog Kim had started to exhibit irrational violence so my Lord Heseltine “took Kim`s collar – a sort of choke chain – and pulled it tight. Suddenly he went limp. I was devoted to Kim, but he`d obviously had some sort of mental breakdown. There was no choice.” Tarzan might have been on safe ground with the readership of the Tatler, but animal lovers and the RSPCA took umbrage at this conservative approach to dealing with canine mental illness and Heseltine changed his story to claim that Kim was later taken to a Vet and mercifully put down. (more…)