Trust in me

Even when a mature democracy becomes a little dog-eared around the edges and the very definition of democracy presents wear and tear in more urgent need of refurbishment than a crumbling Palace of Westminster, the basic premise of the relationship between the governed and the government is based almost entirely on trust.

Consider who one should trust in a head-to-head between David Davis and Michel Barnier. Obviously Barnier is foreign so trust is at a premium but balance that against David Davis who is an idiot. After three rounds of negotiation, the likelihood of a smooth breakfast is further away than ever and Davis bumbles about without any semblance of a clue, a plan or an ounce of credibility. It could, of course, be an elaborate bluff with Davis killing time in the hope those who voted leave combust with anger at the lack of progress or simply die of old age. That would make Davis a genius but such a concept requires an awful lot of trust.

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Always let your conscience be your guide

No strings

Perhaps he has been lured away by two scurrilous villains known as Honest Liam the Fox and Gideon the Evening Standard Cat to join Stromboli`s evil puppet show or he has been transported to so-called Pleasure Island where foolish boys unable to tell the truth are transformed into donkeys and sold into slavery or, given his rather tenuous relationship with veracity, perhaps he has been swallowed up by a giant whale answering to the name Monstro. Whatever excuse for absence is offered, the big question is where the bloody hell is Jeremy Hunt.

50 days of May

Via Getty Image archive

The Prime Minister, in her Easter sermon to the masses, was correct in her assertion that Holy Week is a moment to reflect and an important time for Christians and others to gather together with families and friends. She went on to say that there is a sense that people are coming together and uniting following a period of intense debate over the right future for our country. She spoke of one great union of people embracing the world by leaving the European Union even as our shared values bring us together. Her childhood in a vicarage taught her the Christian values of compassion, community, citizenship and the obligation we have to one another.

Taking the Mick

For a government that is seemingly obsessed with legislation, Mrs May`s merry band of jesters are failing to bring into law measures that will protect the British public from the very real and present danger of unimaginable horror. We need as a matter of urgency, comprehensive and robust anti-embarrassment legislation.

Forget about the Great Repeal Bill with its statutory instruments and technical amendments which will allow the government to abolish laws that protect universal human rights and laws that at least attempt to reign in wealthy crooks. These laws will disappear without debate or vote as a barely cogent government seeks to take back control of democracy by becoming completely undemocratic. The 14 per cent of European law that is there to ensure equality, employment rights and a sustainable environment are trivial sideshows made up by Remoaners to divert attention away from their profoundly unpatriotic cowardice. This time last year we were all Leicester City fans but now we cringe at the sight of Leicester`s finest throwing beer bottles at the Madrid constabulary in the belief that this act will protect Gibraltar as encouraged by the embarrassingly dire Murdoch tabloid.

Jellyfish

Boris Johnson jelly

Ask any legitimate gathering of jellyfish, amoebas, plankton, protozoa and an accredited assortment of single-cell organisms making a living as newspaper editors and politicians and they will all agree that Bashar al-Assad, the 19th President of Syria, is basically a nasty piece of work.

His elder brother, Bassel al-Assad, managed to drive his Mercedes at high speed through fog into an unexpected obstacle and, according to the Syrian regime, died gloriously as “the martyr of the nation and the symbol for its youth”. If only he had survived he might be in a position to advise the youth of Syria not to drive too fast and always check your brake pipes.