It seems that February will offer no respite from the relentless onslaught of public loss and collective grief that January inflicted upon a heartbroken society. With the murder of a mother and her two children described by West Yorkshire Police as “a domestic incident” and another mother imprisoned for committing “an act of terrorism” by travelling to Syria to escape domestic violence, the nation must once again be brave in the face of the terrible realisation that after years of unfounded speculation, Lord Lucan is now officially, irrefutably and most definitely dead.
Apparently the son of the murderous peer wishes to inherit the family title and some bizarrely sensationalist press accounts suggest that the former “lucky” Lucan was eaten by a tiger. The fact that a woman was bludgeoned to death cannot be allowed to distract from irresistible speculation regarding the British aristocracy and their dysfunctional lifestyles. If the official passing of legendary icon and national treasure Lucan is difficult to endure, then the tragic loss of any credibility remotely attributable to the current British government in terms of strategic negotiation will propel the fragile populous into despair. Legendary icon, national treasure and minor aristocrat David Cameron will be remembered forever as a man who never once played bass in Motorhead. (more…)
Ducks are deceptive calculating creatures that must not under any circumstances be trusted. Cleverly pretending to be harmless dabbling surface grazers or amusing up-ended bottom feeders, these vicious Anatidae can turn nasty in an instant and lay waste to an entire English village pond.
The accuracy of taxonomy proves beyond any shadow of doubt that ducks are cunning masters of disguise. In order to cause maximum disruption, they take on the appearance of geese to frighten children and even impersonate English swans in the hope of poisoning Her Majesty the Queen at a private banquet. Fortunately, experts with years of dedicated training and vigilance can identify this extremist threat due to ducks being marginally smaller than real English swans and by displaying a completely different coloured plumage. (more…)
Whiter shale of paid
I freely admit that I have absolutely no idea if the process of extracting shale gas and oil using hydraulic fracturing is either economically viable or environmentally safe.
Mercifully, this shocking ignorance is quite rare as the rest of the planet is divided into those who are convinced of the definition of “viable” and others who are certain of the definition of “safe”. Even sensible “experts” not usually prone to the smooth hyperbole of drilling companies or the hysterical claims of anti-fracking campaigners seem divided. Some say; “Yup…it`ll probably work” but others remark; “Hmm…I dunno…needs more research.” (more…)
The tradition of giving thanks for a bountiful harvest pre-dates the Pilgrim Fathers of Plymouth Rock, all organised religions and probably even the invention of recognisable clothing. After successfully hunter-gathering the roots, berries and mammoth steaks, what better way to celebrate than pulling on the Sunday best and eating until physical activity is rendered impossible.
Fleeing from intolerance, religious oppression, imprisonment and summary execution, England Dissenters migrated first to Holland and then undertook a perilous voyage across treacherous seas to reach a new world offering a land of the free and a home for the brave. Many died in that first harsh winter but, according to legend, the colony managed to survive due to its endurance, toil and by the grace of God. Another version suggests that the local Native Americans took pity and shared their food only to be rewarded with the European gift of smallpox. (more…)
In these uncertain and dangerous times, it seems churlish to point out that even before the term was coined and the condition categorised, governments have operated from a position of paranoid schizophrenia. Monsters are out to kill us, they bellow. We will be murdered unless you do exactly what we tell you to do. Vote for us and we will keep you safe in exchange for your civil liberties. You have nothing to fear if you have nothing to hide. In the aftermath of yet another dreadful atrocity, “leaders” feel it necessary, usually in the same statement, to tell us that we are in great danger and yet also quite safe. (more…)