The family and sycophants of an 85 year old newlywed have expressed their disappointment after medical tests have confirmed that the vindictive media tycoon continues to enjoy the rudest of health. Complaining of “a pain in the arse”, octogenarian Rupert Murdoch was rushed to the private Leveson wing of the Richard Branson Memorial Hospital and Cash Converter Superstore where teams of specialist doctors checked Mr Murdoch`s credit rating.
After a shameful wait on a trolley for more than 10 seconds before the £20million scanner recognised his Platinum American Express card, Mr Murdoch underwent a full Positron Emission Tomography scan which involved injecting radioactive glucose into the patient`s blood stream. However, the patient`s blood proved to be so toxic that the glucose was instantly absorbed and converted into sulphuric acid which damaged a Chippendale chaise longue and a Persian carpet in the media magnets £10,000 a day private hospital suite. Mercifully discharged, the world`s cultural guardian complained that the Dom Perignon was too warm, the foie gras lacked the taste of cruelty and the Picasso on the wall did not have any bare breasts. (more…)
In her strides
If ghosts actually exist and if they do exist are capable of exhaling, then the ghost of Frederick North, second Earl of Guilford and Tory Prime Minister between 1770 and 1782 will be expelling an enormous sigh of relief at the moment. After 235 years of being generally considered as the most useless, indolent, weak and shallow British Prime Minister devoid of any leadership quality, he now finds himself in third place in that particular race to the bottom.
Lord North might be remembered as the Prime Minister who lost the Americas and fought numerous European wars against the French, Spanish, Dutch and just about anybody else. He even manufactured his own Falkland crisis in 1770 in order to fuel tensions between former allies France and Spain and won the conflict simply because of the dominance of the Royal Navy. Sadly, the Royal Navy, built on the proceeds of plunder, slavery and brutal colonialism could not secure victory in the American War of Independence. The irony that the American Navy some 242 years later could not defend America`s independence will not be lost on Vladimir Putin. (more…)
There can be no finer example of British values than the deranged irrationality of an ill-informed angry mob in full hue and cry. The indignant if ignorant enraged fury in other circumstances might be regarded as hilarious where it not for the seriousness of the current situation and the shrieks of bitter opprobrium in more sensible times would probably induce sympathy rather than a futile acceptance that the world has gone stark, raving mad.
Sir Ivan Rogers might not be a household name but that does not present a barrier to appearing on celebrity television game shows populated by celebrities that no one has ever heard of. His resignation as the British Ambassador to the European Union has elevated him to a fame beyond bag carrying diplomacy. (more…)
The next station stop
For people with a large sum of disposable income, I have a cast-iron, copper-bottomed, gold-plated investment opportunity guaranteed to return vast amounts of money for very little effort. All that is needed is initial start-up capital to provide basic raw materials.
I intend to lay a pathway of gravel between a picturesque if insignificant town and a deserted village some miles away. The path will be routed through various hamlets of between three and four houses. The actual location is unimportant but it must be within striking distance of the motorway network. On top of the gravel, I will place short yet stout wooden beams and at right angles to these will be two parallel steel rails at four foot, eight and a half inches apart. Four foot eight and a half is far more sensible than seven foot and a quarter of an inch because of some grooves at the gateway to a ruined Roman town in Northumberland and is the width of a chariot once the wheels have come off. I shall call my invention “a railway.” (more…)
There are and will be many eloquent eulogies, obituaries and retrospectives of those who breathed their last during 2016 and although some might find the deification of dead celebrities somewhat mawkish, this years` harvest of notable souls has been almost relentless. It is statistically unlikely that 2016 has seen a spike in the demise of the not so rich and rich and famous but it does feel like a lot of the good ones have fallen off the perch and gone beyond and too many of the bad ones are still alive and kicking. (more…)