The Plastic Hippo

November 25, 2016

Pride, prejudice and more prejudice

Philip Hammond

Philip Hammond

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that an MP in possession of a cabinet portfolio, must be in want of the ability to say anything even remotely resembling the truth.

As a first foray into the world of economics, Philip Hammond`s autumn statement did not disappoint connoisseurs of massive fibs. Sadly lacking the charisma and idiocy of his predecessor, the new chancellor even attempted to tell jokes in between the lies. He started by describing a robust, resilient and secure economy based on a wise conservative fiscal strategy. It is not quite clear if he stated this as a joke or a lie but he went on to say that the promise to reduce the deficit has been abandoned and the government will be borrowing another £122 billion. (more…)

November 23, 2016

Our man in Diego Garcia

Filed under: Fiction,Law,Media,Politics,World — theplastichippo @ 2:30 am
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Alice and the Dodo by John Tenniel

Alice and the Dodo by John Tenniel

November 2017 – in a surprise move announced by the Foreign Office, former leader of UKIP and renown international diplomat Sir Nigel Farage, PhD, OBE, VC and bar, has been appointed as the next Commissioner of the British Indian Ocean Territory of the Chagos Archipelago. His previous position as Governor General of the Falkland Islands came to an end after 100 per cent of Falkland islanders voted to make Spanish the official language, rename the islands Las Malvinas, accept Argentine citizenship and pledge alliance to whatever government happens to be meeting in Buenos Aries. Sir Nigel achieved this remarkable feat just six months after arriving in Port Stanley.

Prior to successfully strutting around in a big hat covered in feathers, Lord Farage of Brussels was appointed as UK ambassador to the Cayman Islands by former President Donald Trump but when ex-President Trump was impeached on charges of tax evasion even before his inauguration and his replacement ex-President Pence was declared clinically insane after accusing his pet lizard of being bisexual, the current President Michelle Obama removed man of the people Farage from the tax haven and Brussels and removed his fingers from the till.

Sources close to the new Foreign Secretary, Gina Miller, have denied that pressure from the BBC, ITN and Channel 4 to move Farage as far away from their news studios as possible influenced the decision to post him to the Indian Ocean and it is thought that other shortlisted locations including St Helena and the Moon would not necessarily deter the failed people`s champion from shameless attention seeking and a desperate need for lots of money for doing absolutely nothing (more…)

November 21, 2016

Siren`s song

Filed under: Media,Politics,Rights,Society — theplastichippo @ 2:17 am
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Pandora`s Box

Pandora`s Box

There are two golden rules that any politician blessed with wisdom and integrity should adhere to; in victory, avoid arrogant gloating and in defeat, never ever describe the electorate as being stupid. Sadly, political wisdom and any semblance of integrity have packed their bags and said goodbye to the circus leaving the winners in gleeful hysteria and the defeated moaning and whinging at the unfairness of it all. There was a time when it needed an elected term of four or five years to discover that a candidate is a liar, a cheat, a fraudster, a racist, homophobic misogynist bigot who cannot be trusted under any circumstance. Remarkably, it seems that these character failings are promoted as reasons for vote for some unspeakable bully and has resulted in actual electoral victories. We live, so we are told, in a “post truth” era. (more…)

November 19, 2016

Hypocrites in Need

Filed under: Health,Politics,Rights,Society — theplastichippo @ 7:16 am
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Bling bling

Bling bling

Child poverty has been officially eradicated within the United Kingdom thanks to a caring government that increased the numbers of children in need and then ignored them until they went away. As with any wealthy economy, the waifs and strays should have the aspiration to work hard and look after themselves rather than be reliant on charity and if they cannot survive without hand-outs, the very least they should do is die of neglect as far away as possible from unwarranted publicity.

Now that the big society public has taken on the responsibility of patronising children who happen to be poor or ill, the government needs to re-direct its limited resources to encourage healthy children to donate pocket money, the aged to donate their pension money and guilty people in full and meaningful employment to cough up some dosh to pay for the stuff that government is responsible for but has decided not to pay for. So, on the one day of the year when big business secures some cheap advertising by donating a tiny fraction of profit and rich people announce to the world that they have spent a fortune to have lunch with some minor celebrity and we can all have a jolly good laugh at paying twice for social care, charitable giving needs to be redirected. (more…)

November 17, 2016

Hovadina

Filed under: Law,Politics,Rights — theplastichippo @ 3:00 pm
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Boris Johnson kissing a fish

Boris Johnson kissing a fish

It would seem that our newly appointed Foreign Secretary equates European trade and unity, international détente, the globalised market and the free movement of people with the sale of Italian prosecco. The sad fact is; the newly appointed Foreign Secretary and the newly appointed Prime Minister are proving themselves to be something of an embarrassment to the United Kingdom and sadly renders us as the laughing stock of the world second only to the United States of America.

Boris Johnson is a complete and utter idiot. He may have a classics degree and can quote Ovid and Heraclitus with the ease of an inbred automaton coached in the language of privilege, but he remains a dangerous liability. His surprising elevation to Foreign Secretary might at first glance seem both bizarre and astonishing but it is, in fact, the nearest thing that Theresa “Baldrick” May has in terms of a cunning plan to remove the UK from the European Union. If anyone is qualified to scupper an exit, then Boris Johnson is the buffoon stupid enough to do the scuppering. (more…)

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