The Plastic Hippo

April 2, 2015

Five weeks to go

Wisgi Cymreig

Wisgi Cymreig

Only three days in, the proper general election campaign has already descended down a rabbit-hole to not just live next door to Alice, but to maliciously cohabitate with the intent of defrauding benefits from the Department of Work and Pensions. Surreal does not even begin to describe what the bloody hell is going on.

Back in the early hours of Monday morning, what better way to mark the passing of something awful than to raise a glass of something lovely and irrefutably Scottish. Thus, at one minute past midnight on the second day of British Summer Time, a celebratory Lagavulin was sipped in thanks and relief at the dissolution of the most woeful parliament in living memory. A second glass was raised in trepidation at what might come next. (more…)

March 29, 2015

Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte

Defending hard-working tax-dodgers

Defending hard-working tax-dodgers

Even if we embrace and take delight in a constantly evolving language, there are some occasions when the mangling of English is completely unacceptable. When asked “how are you?” the correct response is “I`m fine, thank you”. Replying “I`m good” disqualifies you from membership of the human race. The question is about your health not your morality.

Similarly, the correct way to ask for a cup of coffee is to say “can I have a cup of coffee please?” Do not, under any circumstances, attract ridicule by stating; “can I get Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte?” Going forward in an over-arching common framework might just maximise the potential of not getting a punch up the throat from colleagues, strategic partners and other stakeholders in the queue behind you. It`s only a blue sky thinking outside the box holistic initiative but let`s run it through the percolator and see if it comes out brown. Have a nice day. (more…)

March 26, 2015

Six weeks to go

Altrustic community work

Altrustic community work

Only the meanest of spirits and the smallest of minds would deny some level of sympathy for the hapless Afzal Amin. It would not be unreasonable to assume that the former Conservative parliamentary candidate for marginal Dudley North and a former “strategist” in the British Army Adjutant General`s Corps would run rings around the bone-headed EDL. Sadly, Mr Amin will be remembered as the idiot who tried to use, dupe and double-cross a bunch of knuckle-dragging Neanderthals only to be used, duped and double-crossed by the same knuckle-dragging Neanderthals. Imagine being thought of as less bright than the idiot who leads the EDL. (more…)

March 23, 2015

World Cup Walsall

Filed under: Fiction,Walsall — theplastichippo @ 2:00 am
Tags: ,

Walsall`s supreme leader

Scandal hit world football governing body FIFA has taken the extraordinary decision to relocate the 2018 World Cup away from Russia and stage the competition in the Metropolitan Borough of Walsall. In a further sensational development, FIFA supremo “Mr Football” Slap Bladdered has stepped down with immediate effect in order to spend more time with his money.

FIFA insist that the decision to withdraw from Russia is not due to the abuse of basic human rights, rampant corruption, the brutal murder of journalists and opposition leaders, the invasion of Ukraine or even the former host nation`s insistence on playing their group games at Chelsea`s Stamford Bridge. Instead, the emergence of Walsall as a world football powerhouse is the reason for this dramatic about face. Also the cheque from Vladimir Putin bounced. (more…)

March 19, 2015

Come back Britain



With his boyish good looks, irrepressible optimism and hilarious sense of humour, the grateful nation will surely miss George Osborne when he checks out of Downing Street and into the Priory. The first steps on the road to recovery are to acknowledge that denial is unhelpful and that “problems” need to be addressed. In his final budget, the Chancellor of the Exchequer has confirmed that his long term economic plan is working and that we are all literally rolling in money. It must be true because he said so.

According to George, the deficit is down, employment is up and Britain is walking tall again. We are, he said, a “comeback country” which comes as great news for the one million people needing access to food banks, young people unable to gain access to employment or higher education and those irritating children who insist on waking up hungry and going to bed hungry. It must be true because the voices inside Osborne`s head said so. (more…)

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