The Plastic Hippo

May 1, 2016

Will

Filed under: Health,History,Literature,Media,Politics,Society — theplastichippo @ 1:01 am
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Picasso sketch 1964

Picasso sketch 1964

O for a Muse of fire, that would ascend the brightest heaven of invention to describe just how bloody wonderful it is to be an Englishman living in these joyous times.

Firstly we celebrated 90 glorious years of divine monarchy dedicating a lifetime of hollow crown duty by waving a lot and having to endure the permanent smell of fresh paint. Then we commemorated our holy English values as epitomised by our noble patron Saint George. As with most versions of English history, George`s origins and ethnicity are a little vague. He might have been born in Cappadocia which would make him a Turk or he might have been born in the Roman province of Syria Palaestina which roughly translates as either Syria or Palestine. What is certain is that he was not born within the concrete O of the M25, he did not speak English and his dragon slaying activities took place far away from Albion in a place called Beirut. Crying God for Harry, England and Agios Georgios might make you sound… well… a bit foreign. (more…)

February 9, 2016

Serial re-offenders

Usual suspects via some image agency or other

Usual suspects via some image agency or other

By promising significant improvements to an antiquated penal system, David Cameron has guaranteed a lasting legacy that will reverse the causes of criminality and the horrific downward spiral of recidivist degeneracy. Now elevated into the pantheon of enlightened reformers, Cameron`s “biggest shake-up of prisons since the Victorian era” places him along side worthy emancipationists including former Home Secretary Michael Howard, the inspiration behind the Howard League for Penal Reform, and Elizabeth Fry, the inventor of Fry`s Turkish Delight. From now on, the only porridge served will be Quaker Oats. (more…)

August 15, 2015

Tears before bedtime

Filed under: Education,Literature — theplastichippo @ 2:00 am
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The_Plastic_Hippo_by_HMS_08

Philip Larkin was only partially correct in suggesting that we project our own faults onto our children; he forgot the bits about bequeathed neuroses and anxiety. The dead poet and librarian might have held some unpleasant opinions but he took his own advice and by having no children of his own avoided the gathering apprehension of an offspring’s A Level results day. Thursday was always going to be a tense morning. (more…)

May 28, 2015

Pull the other one

Filed under: Fiction — theplastichippo @ 2:04 am
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All in this together

All in this together

Hang on a minute; just run that by me again. You are telling me that an incredibly wealthy woman of German decent who is reliant on state benefits travelled about a mile in a gold coach with her Greek husband to “open” the law-making assembly of the United Kingdom.

You are also saying that she was wearing a 10 metre long ermine cloak and a crown covered in diamonds, rubies, emeralds, sapphires and pearls and sat on a gold throne to inform her “subjects” that “her government” is going to pass laws to take away employment rights, civil liberties, social housing and will continue to make the vast majority of the lives of her “subjects” thoroughly miserable during the next five years. Suggesting that Michael Gove dressed up as Baron Hardup from the Cinderella pantomime handed her the speech proves that you should go home – you`re drunk. (more…)

February 3, 2015

Stop it

Filed under: Education,Media,Politics — theplastichippo @ 2:59 pm
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No Mr Cameron, it`s not witchcraft, it`s called physics.

No Mr Cameron, it`s not witchcraft, it`s called physics.

Not that any of them will listen but please, please, please cabinet ministers and shadow cabinet ministers; stop organising photo opportunities in classrooms. You do not belong there – the teacher does not want you there – the Head teacher wishes you would go away – the parents hate you – the children are terrified of you and, if you are honest for a change, you will admit that you don`t want to be there either.

Spare yourselves from the toe-curling embarrassment of asking a child what he or she has learnt today. Free yourself of having to endure the torture of forcing a smile upon some scrounging infant or nodding intensely when a Classroom Assistant tells you that the children he or she supports are coming to school hungry and cold. (more…)

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