The Plastic Hippo

May 14, 2017

Always let your conscience be your guide

No strings

Perhaps he has been lured away by two scurrilous villains known as Honest Liam the Fox and Gideon the Evening Standard Cat to join Stromboli`s evil puppet show or he has been transported to so-called Pleasure Island where foolish boys unable to tell the truth are transformed into donkeys and sold into slavery or, given his rather tenuous relationship with veracity, perhaps he has been swallowed up by a giant whale answering to the name Monstro. Whatever excuse for absence is offered, the big question is where the bloody hell is Jeremy Hunt. (more…)

January 20, 2017

Constant sorrow

Filed under: History,Media,Music,Politics,Rights,World — theplastichippo @ 3:54 am
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its-gonna-be-great
In an infinite, expanding and increasingly bizarre universe where strangeness and what once passed for normality have become blurred, the prospect of George Clooney forming a ZZ Top tribute band to perform at the inauguration of a racist con man as the President of the United States would, astonishingly, not be considered as much of a surprise.

The days when presidential indiscretions were quietly ignored are long gone and the American people have decided, with a little helpful persuasion from a former KGB gangster who is now a presidential gangster, that a shameless sexual predator who uses his fame to molest women is the right man for the job. It would seem that the cruel mockery of a journalist with disabilities is acceptable and that a deeply disturbing attitude towards his own daughter is, in some way, normal and that overt racism encouraging hatred is somehow appropriate in the second decade of the 21st century. When a president elect claims that he will be the greatest president ever created by God and gives responsibility for a massive arsenal of lethal weaponry to a character who likes to be known as “mad dog” and when that same president elect is happy to be endorsed by the KKK, then it might be time to start stocking up tinned foods, candles and toilet paper. (more…)

January 10, 2017

M*A*S*H

Filed under: Fiction,Health,Media,Politics,Science — theplastichippo @ 2:05 am
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The 4077th

The 4077th

The family and sycophants of an 85 year old newlywed have expressed their disappointment after medical tests have confirmed that the vindictive media tycoon continues to enjoy the rudest of health. Complaining of “a pain in the arse”, octogenarian Rupert Murdoch was rushed to the private Leveson wing of the Richard Branson Memorial Hospital and Cash Converter Superstore where teams of specialist doctors checked Mr Murdoch`s credit rating.

After a shameful wait on a trolley for more than 10 seconds before the £20million scanner recognised his Platinum American Express card, Mr Murdoch underwent a full Positron Emission Tomography scan which involved injecting radioactive glucose into the patient`s blood stream. However, the patient`s blood proved to be so toxic that the glucose was instantly absorbed and converted into sulphuric acid which damaged a Chippendale chaise longue and a Persian carpet in the media magnets £10,000 a day private hospital suite. Mercifully discharged, the world`s cultural guardian complained that the Dom Perignon was too warm, the foie gras lacked the taste of cruelty and the Picasso on the wall did not have any bare breasts. (more…)

December 14, 2016

Rogue One

Filed under: Media,Politics,Rights,Society,Sport,Transport,World — theplastichippo @ 11:50 pm
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Sky Walkers Crisps

Sky Walkers Crisps

When something outrageous or provocative is broadcast on television or radio, there is a simple solution that could avoid a dangerous increase in blood pressure, impotent fury and a desire to hit the domestic appliance with an unusually heavy object. The answer is easy; change channel or switch the bloody thing off.

If the irrational ranting of an anonymous blogger pretending to be a polypropylene even-toed ungulate river horse causes outrage of such incandescence that you are moved to quote the Daily Mail as fact, do not read the blog and look instead at pictures of cats. There is, by the way, no need for any Mollie Sugden references here thank you very much.

If you take umbrage at a total stranger on Twitter or Facebook and feel the need to threaten them with rape and or beheading then the problem might be residing in you rather than in the opinions you disagree with. Try getting out more and maybe attempt to find a girlfriend or, indeed, a boyfriend or, as a short-term measure, another actual human being capable of an actual conversation that aspires to more than basic grunting. (more…)

November 19, 2016

Hypocrites in Need

Filed under: Health,Politics,Rights,Society — theplastichippo @ 7:16 am
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Bling bling

Bling bling

Child poverty has been officially eradicated within the United Kingdom thanks to a caring government that increased the numbers of children in need and then ignored them until they went away. As with any wealthy economy, the waifs and strays should have the aspiration to work hard and look after themselves rather than be reliant on charity and if they cannot survive without hand-outs, the very least they should do is die of neglect as far away as possible from unwarranted publicity.

Now that the big society public has taken on the responsibility of patronising children who happen to be poor or ill, the government needs to re-direct its limited resources to encourage healthy children to donate pocket money, the aged to donate their pension money and guilty people in full and meaningful employment to cough up some dosh to pay for the stuff that government is responsible for but has decided not to pay for. So, on the one day of the year when big business secures some cheap advertising by donating a tiny fraction of profit and rich people announce to the world that they have spent a fortune to have lunch with some minor celebrity and we can all have a jolly good laugh at paying twice for social care, charitable giving needs to be redirected. (more…)

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