Queen`s speech – second draft

Via elleuk.com

From: Cabinet Office and Prime Minister`s Office, 10 Downing Street
Part of: Government transparency and accountability
Content: Queen`s Speech 2017 first draft for Her Majesty`s input
From: Buckingham Palace
Content: Queen`s Speech 2017 second draft including Her Majesty`s input
Her Majesty`s most gracious speech to both Houses of Parliament.

“My Lords and Members of the House of Commons,”
If you think for a moment that I intent to drag out all of the horses and all of the men down to your tawdry waste of time you are mistaken. Philip has made it perfectly clear that he will not be attending and I will probably drive myself over in one of the Land Rovers on my way to Ascot. I give you fair warning that if that appalling little man Dennis Skinner makes any sarcastic comment then he will find himself mucking out at Sandringham for the rest of the summer.

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What`s in a name?

Moses parts the waters via Reuters

We have reached the stage in the great scheme of things when anything unpleasant is deniable and anything requiring responsibility can be dismissed as the fault of others or due to circumstances beyond the control of those in control.

So when Chelsea player Victor Moses took a dive worthy of Tom Daley but completely unworthy of an FA Cup Final, referee Anthony Taylor was blameless in brandishing a second yellow card for such blatant cheating. Similarly, given the new offside ruling on players interfering with play, the referee was correct to allow Arsenal`s first goal from Alexis Sanchez even though Aaron Ramsey juggled the ball like a pub team goalkeeper in a howling gale before proving that he was not interfering with play by whispering that fact into the Chelsea goalkeeper`s ear. In a blame game, everyone is innocent.

When the computer system handling the bookings for the world`s favourite airline decides to go pop and emit a little cloud of blue smoke, it is reasonable in these days of machine error to allow the CEO to say nothing for three days and then emerge to state categorically that the IT glitch was over after a few minutes and that the living dead wandering the cavernous purgatory of Heathrow Terminal 5 would be compensated with a free bottle of water.

Banned Aid

Via b3ta.com

It is difficult to decide what is the more entertaining aspect of an uncoiling election campaign; the hilarious posturing of repulsive and thoroughly nasty politicians braying their saintliness or the increasingly ridiculous and totally unachievable promises being made.

Labour cannot possibly provide free school meals for all primary school children by charging VAT on private schools fees and are bare-faced liars to suggest that this unwarranted attack on rich people forced to choose between a third annual holiday and the ritual humiliation of their offspring is fully funded. They would need to remove the charitable status awarded to the schools like Eton which operates as a business rather than a charity nurturing privileged toffs born expecting power.

Taking the Mick

For a government that is seemingly obsessed with legislation, Mrs May`s merry band of jesters are failing to bring into law measures that will protect the British public from the very real and present danger of unimaginable horror. We need as a matter of urgency, comprehensive and robust anti-embarrassment legislation.

Forget about the Great Repeal Bill with its statutory instruments and technical amendments which will allow the government to abolish laws that protect universal human rights and laws that at least attempt to reign in wealthy crooks. These laws will disappear without debate or vote as a barely cogent government seeks to take back control of democracy by becoming completely undemocratic. The 14 per cent of European law that is there to ensure equality, employment rights and a sustainable environment are trivial sideshows made up by Remoaners to divert attention away from their profoundly unpatriotic cowardice. This time last year we were all Leicester City fans but now we cringe at the sight of Leicester`s finest throwing beer bottles at the Madrid constabulary in the belief that this act will protect Gibraltar as encouraged by the embarrassingly dire Murdoch tabloid.

Jellyfish

Boris Johnson jelly

Ask any legitimate gathering of jellyfish, amoebas, plankton, protozoa and an accredited assortment of single-cell organisms making a living as newspaper editors and politicians and they will all agree that Bashar al-Assad, the 19th President of Syria, is basically a nasty piece of work.

His elder brother, Bassel al-Assad, managed to drive his Mercedes at high speed through fog into an unexpected obstacle and, according to the Syrian regime, died gloriously as “the martyr of the nation and the symbol for its youth”. If only he had survived he might be in a position to advise the youth of Syria not to drive too fast and always check your brake pipes.